Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Jul 30 2012

"You're so blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, I'm so cool. And I'm like, blah blah blah blah shut the fuck up. Seriously."

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Sometimes, Molly the little beagle has to get up in the night to pee. She nudges her way out from under the covers, jumps down from the bed, and trots down the hall to the kitchen where we leave out a wee-wee pad for just such occasions. Although our bedroom is carpeted, the long hallway is wood flooring, and her adorable little claws make quite a clicking. Here's STM's interpretation of Molly coming back to the bedroom.
"(Molly click click clicks up the hall) TURN OFF THE RAIN! (she steps on to the bedroom carpet) Thank you."
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Jul 27 2012

"Ninja, or history teacher… Ninja, or history teacher… Hmmm…. Teach magna carta, or fuck you up with throwing stars… Hmmmm, tricky."

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"Wow. I see gravity's gone to town on your ass."
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Jul 25 2012

"Hey, Universe! Sort out your mysterious fucking ways, or I'll stick a super-nova up your fucking black hole."

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(a long series of crazy sounds, and then) "Yup. That just happened."
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Jul 23 2012

"Sit. Sit. It won't sit... Uh, come here! No, it's just sitting there now! Oh, this potty doesn't want to be trained. Bad potty!"

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Ah yes, potty training. Always a challenge.

This weekend, we took Adam's 8- and 11-year old kids camping. Saturday afternoon, Adam and I were lying out on a blanket while the kids pottered around us, and Adam drifted off to sleep for a while. Suddenly, he woke with a shout of "FUCK NUTS!" You can imagine the pandemonium that this caused with the children. I kick myself for not having the recorder going.


Jul 20 2012

"That's my foot in your face! Smell the pain! SMELL THE PAIN!"

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Jul 18 2012

"I am Mediterranean Man! Hear my cry: TZATZIKIIIIIIiiiiiii and tremble with fear. I will cut you with my throwing pita. But not at three o'clock, 'cause it's siesta time. TZATZIKIIIIIIiiiiiii and away!"

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After that, I managed to drift back to sleep, only to be awakened by the following commotion:

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STM: (slams his fist into the headboard)
KAREN: Baby?
ADAM: Ouch!
KAREN: Whadyu— Whaddoo?
ADAM: What?
KAREN: Wha'd you do?
ADAM: Nothing.
KAREN: You punched the headboard again.
ADAM: No, I didn't!
KAREN: What do you mean, no you didn't?
ADAM: I didn't punch the headboard.
KAREN: What did— Okay.
ADAM: Nothing ever happened. Okay?
KAREN: That was a very noisy nothing.
ADAM: Sometimes noisy nothings happen.


Jul 16 2012

"What are you doing, apart from making your immediate environment look fuck-shit ugly?"

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"Jibba jabba jibba jabba... jibba jabba jibba jibba... fucking jibba jabba jibba..."
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Jul 13 2012

"But Batman's poo is so good for your skin."

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One really has to wonder at the scenario that led to that statement.
"Fucking skipping monkey. Stop skipping! Oh, hopscotch, is it? Ooooh."
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Jul 11 2012

"Bras: they're like... booby traps."

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"Listen up, people. Sasquatch has been in my sock drawer again, and now he's somewhere lose in the bathroom. So I'm setting up a six-foot perimeter fence, and someone bring me my clippers. He's mine this time."
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And the reveal:

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RECORDING: ...And someone bring me my clippers...
ADAM: What was—?
KAREN: Sasquatch. Bigfoot.
ADAM: Why does he want to shave him?
KAREN: Well, that's the whole thing about Bigfoot, he's hairy all over.
ADAM: Why does he want to shave him?!
KAREN: I think there's a more important question.
ADAM: A six-foot perimeter fence isn't a very big area.
KAREN: I know. That's why when you said it, I was thinking maybe it's a tiny, miniature Sasquatch.
ADAM: Littlefoot.
KAREN: Yeah, Littlefoot.
ADAM: He's been in his sock drawer, and now he's somewhere in the bathroom. Now, our bathroom's not very big—
KAREN: Exactly.
ADAM: Teenyfoot.
RECORDING: So, I'm setting up a six foot perimeter fence...
KAREN: A six-foot perimeter—That's, basically, this big (holds fingers up).
ADAM: That's not a six-foot perimeter.
KAREN: Oh, six-foot, not six-inch. But that's still just about this big (holds arms up).
ADAM: No. A bit bigger than that.
ADAM: Yes?
KAREN: That's a foot-and-a-half on each side.
ADAM: It's Microscopicfoot!
KAREN: (chuckles)
ADAM: Maybe he needs his clippers 'cause he's gonna shave the floor rugs to chase Microscopic Sasquatch out.
KAREN: Maybe he has teeny teeny tiny clippers.
ADAM: So how would he know if he's been in the sock drawer? If he's so small.
KAREN: Maybe he leaves slime.
ADAM: From what part of his body would Sasquatch, even Microscopic Sasquatch, leave slime?
KAREN: Oh! Oh! Okay, maybe he's microscopic, but he's actually got kind of long hairs. He's basically like a little fuzz ball. Maybe he sheds his hairs.
ADAM: If these hairs are small, right, then they could be really itchy.
KAREN: Yeah. That could be it. Whenever his socks are itchy, he knows Sasquatch has been in there... What was he doing in your sock drawer, though?
ADAM: There are certain things I keep in my sock drawer that I like to keep to myself.
KAREN: I'm the one who puts all your socks away after laundry, I know what's in there.
ADAM: Now you're just going to make out that you do all the domestic chores around here, and that's not exactly the truth now, is it?
KAREN: I do the laundry.
KAREN: I do the laundry.
ADAM: I hope you haven't been recording any of this.
KAREN: Who said I haven't?
ADAM: Oh, you bitch.


Jul 9 2012

"You are the love of my life... until my life decides it doesn't need your shit anymore."

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"Come on, let's see it then. Let's see Mr. Jiggles. Oh, so that's Mr. Jiggles. Hey! No pooping on the pillowcase."
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Jul 6 2012

"Awwww, you're so cute. I'm gonna stuff you full of sweeties, and BEAT YOU LIKE A PINANTA! Now fuck off."

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"Don't stare at the cow— Does he have his moocle? Come on, get out of the pool. No moocle, no swimming, out cow! You know the rules. Dickhead."
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I don't know what delights me more, that a cow snorkle is called a moocle, or that STM just called the cow a dickhead.


Jul 4 2012

Hey, Happy 4th, my countrymen and women! I'm sorry not to be there to eat too many burgers and watch pretty colored lights with all of you. Instead, I'll trudge off to work through the SAME RAIN WE'VE HAD FOR A WEEK. So much for independence. Good thing I've got STM to add a little extra sunshine to my nights.
"Oh yeah. With my army of runner ducks, I'm gonna take over the world! With a waddle and a quack, and a waddle and a quack, I'm gonna rule this world. Yeah."
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And the reveal:

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ADAM: Do you think he's sitting in a nest? His secret lair is this giant nest, and he's wearing a fake beak.
KAREN: (giggles along)
ADAM: And he's in his little swivel chair, and as he turns around to face you, saying, "Ah, Mr. Bond, I'm expecting you," instead of stroking a cat, he's stroking a little duck.
ADAM: It'd be funny if he had a navy of rubber ducks. Motorized, weaponized rubber ducks... Ducks shit everywhere, that's their weapon.


Jul 2 2012

"If only Jesus had a cape. Hmmm, if only....."

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If only, indeed. This next one I tried posting on Friday, and screwed it up by posting the wrong audio clip. Here it is again:
"Dim sum. Dim sum! The wontons, they're not cooperating, and there's soy sauce everywhere now. Listen, you fat globby balls, get out of the steamer and help me! Thank you."
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