Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts. Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam. Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)
"Cuff him! Arrest him! I don't care, that manatee is going down!"
"Green bananas. I've got lots and lots of green bananas. Really I've got lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fucking bananas. Please somebody get rid of my green bananas!"
Manatees - These are the most gentle, docile creatures. There is no way that any manatee has ever willfully broken the law.
Green bananas - Adam said this just last night, but I guess some things just stick with you. As explanation, here is a picture I took on our honeymoon of the elephant food preparation area:
Yes, everything you see in this picture is a green banana, even on those shelves in the background, and we personally lifted every single one of those stalks.
Apparently, on his birthday, Adam takes the night off from sleep-talking. Pity.
But that's ok, cause I have SO many great ones stored up from the honeymoon:
"Don't worry. I'll find it. That's what I do, find things. I find you annoying. See?"
"Next time I lend out my chest hair, it won't be to a dick-face like you. You've got it covered in lots of stuff. It'll take ages to clean up. One hair at a time."
and here, Sleep Talkin' Man abandons his usual cool demeanor, and displays his deep passion for low-quality children's snacks:
"Choc Dip. Gimme Choc Dip. Yes, a Choc Dip. Oh, I want a simple chocolate mother-fucking stupid ass-wiping cock-sucking mother-fucking SHIT FUCK chocolate dip please! Oh, thank you."
Finally, here is a picture from our honeymoon, in which Adam caresses little Faa Mai during her afternoon nap. Note the helpful instructions on the t-shirt:
("Elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only.")
"The grass on the other side of the fence: Burn it! It's not nice."
"You know, it's not easy being me. You should try it. I bet that after just five minutes, you'll then have an incredible healthy respect for how amazing I am."
"Soggy fucking saddlebags, I am NOT sticking around here. This place sucks.... Sorry Mum, but it's true."
"Me, fat? Think again, titty-fuck. I taught my muscles to be in a zen-like state of relaxation. Permanently."
"Ah, glass. My nemesis. One day, I shall beat you."
"Hmm, linguini on the ceiling! It adds a certain texture. Interesting... Just don't use penne. Or those crappy twisty ones."
(said in a cute sing-song) "Pee-po... Pee-po... Pee-po." (now with angry forcefulness) "You are SO gonna play my game, otherwise I WILL poke out your eye and skull-fuck you. Okay?"
"She's got my leg! She's got my leg! I'm not a hopper, I'm a jumper! Give me back. Don't like it."
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Karen's notes:
Glass - I should mention here that Adam is a bit, shall we say, accident-prone. For example, he habitually slams his forehead on windows while trying to look out at something. Our garden door is perpetually littered with oval-shaped smudge marks. When I told Adam about this one in the morning, he admitted to me that, at his job yesterday, he smacked his forhead into the window, in front of everyone.
"She's got my leg!" - Our little dog Molly had actually settled herself across Adam's legs under the covers, and had him pinned.
Zebedee - A character from the most annoyingly inane children's film, The Magic Roundabout. As Adam explained to me this morning, "he's got a spring up his ass."
DipDab - Adam had to look this up when he woke up (weird!), but once he did, he remembered loving them 30 years ago.
Toilet Showers - Here's my guess about this one: In Thailand, the toilets all have little hand-held spray nozzles that you can use to wash your nether regions. The Thais use this instead of toilet paper (in our case, we made use of both... sorry, probably TMI). At the end of the trip, Adam commented that he would miss them. They ARE refreshing.
Bogey - This is the British equivalent of "booger" in the States.
Don't Stop Believing - Shortly before we left for honeymoon, Adam got obsessed with the new version of the song from the show Glee. We listened to it every morning for two weeks. I have to admit, it does rock.
"No pens. There's no pens here. I can't do any work anymore. I'm in crayon heaven."
"This train's leaving, so get your mingy arse on board, you ginger minger." *
"Cheese balls for everyone. Share them around. They're fun and they're tasty. They're fasty! Yeah."
"Kiss me. Tastes good, doesn't it. Why don't you go back and have a second helping? Be greedy."
"Windy in my hair. Don't bend over, you'll whistle."
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Karen's note: In that second one, Adam pronounced "minger" with a hard g. That is, it rhymed with "ginger". Same with "mingy". "Minger"-- rhyming with "ringer" -- is a slang term here in the UK, but I've never heard the pronunciations that Adam used. Anyone want to chime in on this?
Adam and I had the most magical honeymoon volunteering at the Elephant Nature Park in northern Thailand for two weeks. It was all we could have possibly hoped for.
Our daily waking life at the park seemed to play a much bigger role in Adam's sleep talking than it does at home. So, for today's special sort-of-happy-to-be-back post, I've included a number of such musings.
"Oh, such wrinkly skin. And oh so hairy. Yeah, like grandmothers with trunks."
"I want an elephant race, with hurdles and everything... Watch them jump over ditches. And we can stick little dogs on top as jockeys. Doggie jockeys."
Adam said this one, along with a few extremely rude insults, on a night that we were sleeping out in the jungle with 12 other people. We had hiked up into the mountain with 5 elephants, some volunteers and a number of thai workers. The other volunteers all missed hearing it (we were sleeping a bit away from them), but the thais right next to us certainly didn't.
The rest of the time, Adam and I had a hut in "The Palace," which is a raised structure comprised of 6 huts and 5 bathrooms, made mostly of bamboo and wood. Anytime anyone walked around, the entire structure shook with their footfall. I assume that explains this one:
"Stop bouncing the floor. Stop it, seriously, I need to pee. I need to pee and I can't pee in the toilet when you're bouncing the floor... Fuck you shit-for-brains, that's it, I'm gonna piss up and down your body every time you bounce... There we go."
"What goes in one hole hot comes out the other hole hot. Burning fucking curry. Awesome stuff."
"Elephants with two arms!... Oh no, it's the tail."
"Fatal falling figs"
The Palace had been built around an enormous fig tree, which was left growing out of the middle of the structure. Lucky us, the tree happened to hang right above our hut's roof. So at night, when the wind kicked up, figs would thump onto the roof above our heads, then roll down, and thump again onto the floor outside (you can hear them in the last recording). This, along with the periodic howling of the park's 50 + dogs, did not always make for the most restful night's sleep.
Finally, for anyone who has ever shoveled elephant poo, this one needs no explanation:
"Totally green snowballs. Giant ones! They look wrong. They sound wrong when they hit you. And boy do they smell wrong."
If anyone out there wants to know about the park, we're happy to talk about our experience. By the way, we were told that a day-visitor at the park asked for us, but it was a couple of days before we arrived. If this is you, make yourself known to us!
We missed you guys, and as hard as it is to go back to real life, we're happy to be back on the blog.
"Don't come in to work tomorrow. In fact, don't come back at all. Basically, I don't want you around, cause you're-- I'll keep this simple-- a cock. A small, pathetic, flaccid, looking-at-your-shoes-constantly kind of a cock. Okay, bye-bye!"
"Of course blue dogs are more expensive. Pink dogs are shite."
"Oh, I forgot to mention: You're an ugly fuck with no sense of style. You need to do a lot more to yourself to make you socially acceptable. You need help."
