(sung to the REM tune) "Everybody poops, sometimes..."
or click here"Will the right honorable wank stain just answer the fucking question? You smug son of a bitch."
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Sounds like STM has entered the political fray! "Right Honorable" is the title by which Members of Parliment (MPs, equivalent of Senators or Representatives) address each other.
"Well that totally changed the atmosphere of the party. What made you bring the whisk here? What were you thinking?! Idiot."
or click here"You're so special. I bet you've even got sparkles in your shit."
I can't say I fully understand why someone brought a whisk to a party, nor why it had such a dramatic effect on the ambiance. Thoughts?
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"Close your eyes and pucker up. No, I'm not gonna kiss you. I just wanted you to look like a blind arsehole."
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Hey, everyone along the US east coast, my thought are with you guys today.
"I need someone else to help me catch ghosts. 'Cause we're going out to kick seven shades of spiritual shit. Yeaaaah. Ghost Kickers! Free floating vapor? Free floating fucker, more like. Come on, let's get 'em!"
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And here, again, I must shamefacedly admit that Adam and I have been known to watch Ghost Hunters. Actually, we're a bit off it now, but there was a time when we were watching it most nights of the week. Don't judge.
"It's not about believing or not believing in God. No, no, no. It's about not giving a crap."
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Yup, another one of those jibes at God. And here, for your listening pleasure, is the morning, in which Adam wakes up, makes a beeline for the bathroom, and runs at full speed into the closed door.
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| ADAM: | (wakes up suddenly) Oh! I need to go wee. (jumps out of bed, makes a beeline for the bathroom, and runs full-force into the door) |
| KAREN: | (laughs hysterically) |
| ADAM: | It was open when I went to bed, I'm sure it was! |
| KAREN: | Oh! I can't believe that! |
| ADAM: | Don't— I really hurt my nose. |
| KAREN: | Oh! |
| ADAM: | Bad enough waking up thinking you're going to wet yourself because need to go wee and then... the door's shut! |
| KAREN: | But Baby, we shut it every night because you don't feel good about it being open. |
| ADAM: | You're right. |
| KAREN: | Well, I bet now you don't like it shut. I can't believe you did that. |
| ADAM: | My nose! |
| KAREN: | Baby, we've lived here for over two years. |
| ADAM: | When I went to bed, right, last time I looked at that, and I remember looking, it was open. |
| KAREN: | But the thing is, okay: |
| ADAM: | What? |
| KAREN: | A— |
| ADAM: | Oh, god, you're going to be logical. Oh no. |
| KAREN: | Why wouldn't you make the assumption that it could be open or shut and just sort of feel for it instead of just walking full speed. |
| ADAM: | Please don't use logic. I always fall down when you use logic. It's not fair... Because I woke up quickly, and I hate that. And I needed to go to the toilet, and that's not a nice way to wake up, so I hate that twice over, so speed is of the essence, and my eyes weren't properly open 'cause I'd just woken up 'cause I hate that, and I had it in my head that the door was open, so it was gonna be easy! I was gonna be quick, it was gonna be direct route to the toilet, but there was a nasty obstacle in the way. |
"Stop telling everyone we're friends. Don't amplify my shame."
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And then there's this cat, caught barking. I know it is entirely unrelated to anything STM, but it's the best thing I've seen in weeks!
"How can I tell you you're as welcome as a 28-day-old used tampon infested by maggots without offending you?"
or click here"Oh Jesus, you dumb bitch, it's not a boat it's a church!"
Well, at least STM is considering someone's feelings for a change.
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Come now, why so harsh? It's a mistake anybody could make.
"Live long and... tutti-fruity."
or click here"Nobody should ever kiss you, except family. But, through a bag, mind. Only through a bag."
No idea why the Star Trek reference, but I am amused at how "tutti-fruity" sounds in a posh English accent.
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"Now listen, Mr. Dickhead Knobcheese Ballyfuck, I would highly recommend a name change. Something short and snappy... 'Cunt' would suffice."
or click here"A rodent with a machine gun: rat-ta-tat-ta-tat, rat-ta-tat-ta-tat-ta-tat, rat-ta-tat-ta-tat-ta-tat. Sweet!"
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Haha. Get it? Rodent. Rat-a-tat. Ha.
"Oh! It's a poltergoat. A poltergoat! You can't see 'em, but you find all your clothes chewed. If you listen carefully, you may hear a ghostly baaaahhhhh. Poltergoat! Baaaahhhhhhh."
or click here"You don't make me laugh. You make me want to shoot something, then laugh."
Oh, wow. That has to be my favorite in a while. Poltergoat! Baaaahhhhh.
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"Now it's time to suspend reality... from its fucking neck."
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And here is how Adam woke up:
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| STM: | (whimper, then) MANBAG! |
| KAREN: | Did you say 'man bag'? |
| ADAM: | Maybe? |
| KAREN: | What does that mean? |
| ADAM: | Not a girlie bag? I don't know! |
| KAREN: | Well, was someone hitting you with one? What made you yell it? |
| ADAM: | Umm... lost my man bag. |
| KAREN: | You lost it? Aw. I know where your man bag is, Baby, it's behind the sofa. |
| ADAM: | By the fish tank, actually, where I always leave it. |
| KAREN: | Well, now it's behind the sofa rather than next to the fish tank. I moved your man bag. |
| ADAM: | That's why! I knew it. |
"Nature can be so cruel. I mean, look at you. How could it fuck up that badly?"
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"Yay! I've got crusty nipples again! Oh, goody."
or click here"I had nothing, nothing to do with the rain. Now sunshine, that's a different thing altogether."
Yay, indeed. I'm really looking forward to that.
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If STM is the guy who controls the sunshine, I shudder to think what the guys is like that controls the rain.
"There are times when drinking the contents of the stomach of a ten-day-old corpse is a good idea. After hanging out with you, this is one of those times. Cock off!"
or click here"Oh, for god's sake. Your cat is eating my watermelon. Oh! It ate the whole thing! All gone."
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Oh, that desperate little moan in the middle just broke my heart.
"Oh crap. It's Wednesday afternoon, and I've already got Friday brain."
or click here"One, two, quick step turn, punch. One, two, quick step turn, pun—. GET IT RIGHT! Bunch of dribbling turds. One, two, quick step turn, punch."
I think all of us working folks can identify with that.
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Is STM teaching Ninjadance?
Added later: My favorite comment so far today, from JamiSings: "Obviously he's choreographing Fight Club: The Musical."
"Ladies and gentlemen, please remember to put your oxygen mask on first, followed by your favorite child."
or click here"Put your lemons away. Put them away! Did you not hear about the lemon law? This is serious!"
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There actually is a "lemon law" in the States, having to do with the sale of used cars that fall apart once you drive away. Although, that said, Adam swears he had never heard of it before.
We're back! We didn't get a whole lot out of STM. Sleep talking, you see, requires sleep, of which Adam got little, poor thing. Here is what I have for you:"The problem with your face… is that I can see it. Get lost!"
or click here"You can go outside and you tell those little fucking elves to stop throwing acorns! Seriously. A waste of all those acorns. Kick 'em. Kick 'em with the chickens."
This one will illuminate how STM interprets heavy rain falling on canvas overhead:
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"Fuck. Tits! Shit, I brought the wrong shit! It's shower-hat Wednesday, not cracker-pants Thursday. Bollocks! I really like shower-hat Wednesday. I've got the best. It's so pretty... These cracker-pants give me nasty chaffing… Oh, I shoulda put margarine on them! Lubricate the cracker bits. Yes, yes, yes…"
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"Oi! God! Shut the fuck up and listen to me."
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"There's a reason you're such an arsehole. You just don't have to keep telling everybody about it. People will work it out for themselves pretty quickly."
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"Even my reflection is jealous of me."
or click here"Oh, I love the space you leave behind when you go away. So please, fuck off and give me back that space."
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Adam was making the little groaning sounds that always precede a bout of sleep talking. I tried answering him with my own little groan, with the following results."Shut up! I know it's my turn. Now back off. Shhhh."
or click here"I can't wear these pants anymore. They're just too tight. They're giving me cock cramp... FREEDOOOOOOOOOOM! Yeah, wiggle it. Mmm, feel that swaying? That swaying is freedom!"
Sounds like STM was feeling a bit pressured to perform. But, in the end, he did not disappoint:
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Don't forget, "pants" here = underwear. This one prompted this conversation in the morning:
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| ADAM: | I could paint one ball blue and one ball white. |
| KAREN: | Are you talking about Braveheart? |
| ADAM: | Yeah. Bravecrotch. FREEDOOOOOOOOM! |
"I'm tired of looking for the solution to this problem. Look for someone to blame instead."
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It was a hot night, so I got up and turned on the fan. At first, Adam seemed to like it:
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But a few minutes later, he reconsidered:
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"Ice cream is my first line of defense. There is no second."
or click here"Mother fucker. Have some of that! Want some dessert? Come back for more then. This one's sweeter... Fucking butterflies."
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And here is the must-hear conclusion of that last one...
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| STM: | Fucking butterflies... (smacks own face) |
| ADAM: | AH! What did you do? |
| KAREN: | Nothing! |
| ADAM: | Did I do it? |
| KAREN: | You thought I slapped you? |
| ADAM: | I saw the thing in your hand, I thought you may have dropped it on my head. |
| KAREN: | Wait a minute. I just need to make sure I understand. You didn't even— You thought it was m— You— |
| ADAM: | Hello? |
| KAREN: | I just wanna— Can I establish a fact? You actually thought the big blunt thing that smacked you in the face was— |
| ADAM: | Be nicer about my hand. |
| KAREN: | — a different object than your hand? You didn't realize it was you who slapped you? |
| ADAM: | Well, I opened my eyes with my cheek stinging, and I saw you holding the microphone, and I thought maybe that had dropped onto my face. |
| KAREN: | Do you realize something wrong with what you just said? I'm just gonna repeat it back to you verbatim: "I saw you were holding the microphone—" |
| ADAM: | Yes, but you may have picked it back up— |
| KAREN: | Oh, okay. But I will tell you what happened, Baby. Right before you woke up, you were saying— |
| ADAM: | It stings! |
| KAREN: | Listen: I'm gonna tell you what you were saying. I think it will illuminate. You were saying, "Mother fucker, take some of that! Fucking butterflies." (giggling) They were butterflies! |
| ADAM: | Bastards. |
