Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


June 30 2011

"I'm so lucky to have disciples like you— FRIENDS, friends like you."

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"No really, lying IS just like telling the truth... when you do it in a really loud voice."
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"Poop! Poop! Poop!"
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June 29 2011

"God is good. God is great. But I'm fucking mega-awesome! ...Fuck nuts."

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"I speak the truth. I am the superhero of words. Sentences are my weapons. I'll fuck you up with my oral armor."
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And then there was this:

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STM: Sp— Spider... Spider!... Oh, spider. (lifts his right hand, and violently smacks his left hand, which is resting on his chest)
KAREN: Oh, Baby? (laughs hysterically)
ADAM: It hurts!
KAREN: (continued hysterics)
ADAM: When I'm hurt, your not meant to laugh! You're meant to be concerned and show me sympathy.
KAREN: (a stab at sympathy) Oh.
ADAM: Oh? That's rubbish.
KAREN: Here (rubbing his battered hand).
ADAM: (pathetically) Oh-ho. There was a spider on my chest.
KAREN: But it was your hand.
ADAM: I didn't know that at the time.
KAREN: That would be a HUGE spider.


June 28 2011

"Kiss my imperial arse, you Jedi mutha-fucka! Yeaaaaaah."

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To go along with this, we need a cartoon of Darth Vader mooning the entire Jedi Counsel


June 27 2011

"Oh, calm down. You don't wanna get him started. You DON'T want a kick-boxing hamster on your case."

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"I need an emoticon to tell that I'm gonna cut you up."
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I'd like to see that emoticon.


June 26 2011

"Your social life and the Bermuda Triangle are pretty much the same thing. Total mysteries and devoid of life. Now get the fuck out. Go play in the playground with the others."

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So, is STM criticizing the social life of a seven-year-old?
"Who do you think you are, coming in here with your pink blancmange. You and your classy ways."
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I was utterly baffled by this one. Thankfully, Adam was able to educate me about the blancmange. And here's a lovely image of a pink one. Looks to me like a jell-o mold:


June 25 2011

"I know I wasn't exactly paying attention to what you were saying. I was veering towards ripping out your tongue and using it as a crack wiper. Glad we got that sorted out."

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"Calm down. Calm down. Okay. Sit. Yeeees. Now, calm. Breathe. That's it. Relax. Relax. Caaaalm down. Thaaaat's good. WHAT'S THAT?!"
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And here is the reveal coming off that. Note that even Adam had no idea what he had actually yelled.

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KAREN: Matza? What? Mozart? Do you know what you yelled?
ADAM: "Monster."
KAREN: Oh, "monster." That does make more sense.
ADAM: What makes sense about "monster?"
KAREN: Well, it makes more sense that you would scream out "monster" than "matza", or "Mozart."
ADAM: I would never scream anything about Mozart. Matza, on the other hand, is nasty, evil stuff.


June 24 2011

"Nobody move. Stay absolutely still. The desk bunny is around here somewhere. Don't show him your fear, he feeds off your fear."

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Desk bunny? Might he have meant dust bunny? Ah, how can we possibly know the mysterious machinations of STM?
"I am the lord of all pirates! I've got the treasure map to find ALL treasure maps. Beat that, suckers!"
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June 23 2011

"Mmmm, I do like your shampoo. Smells like llama spit. Is it llama spit? Smells like llama spit."

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"Doe, a deer, I shot it through the ear… Oh, I killed that song dead."
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June 22 2011

"In a land, far far away, there lived a wanker. And that's where he's gonna stay, if he knows what's good for him."

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"Jesus was a zombie. Jesus was a zombie!"
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At the risk of offending a huge number of people out there, STM kind of has a point there.


June 21 2011

"Seriously, what am I going to do with a dead rat? Honestly. Your presents are getting worse and worse."

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"No, life isn't unfair. You were just born stupid."
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June 20 2011

"Yeah, you can keep looking at my arse as I walk away. It's having a spectacular day today."

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"Where's my migrey bat? Hmm? Where is he? I left him here in this box, and he's not there now. Ohhhh. He's metamorphosized! Yay! Oi, what's he changed into? That's disgusting. Clean it up, and flush it away. Ew. Nasty."
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As far as I can tell from my research, there is no such thing as a "migrey" bat. If anyone has any more information that might explain this one, please share.

Karen's notes: STM kept to himself again last night, forcing me to dip into the nest-egg. I suppose he's sulking that there's no one there to listen to him in real time. Oh well, it's just one more night without me. And then, he'd better make it up to me!


June 19 2011

"I'm not just any dad. I'm mega-super-awesome dad! FEEL MY POWER! Tickle time! Tickle time!"

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Karen's notes: I didn't find anything in the recording last night, but this one from the nest-egg couldn't possibly have a more appropriate day to shine. And, by the way, Adam actually IS a mega-super-awesome dad. Happy father's Day, Baby, and Happy Father's Day to all you other dads out there!


June 18 2011

"You keep smiling like that, I'm gonna be forced to wax your crotch with gaffer tape... Smile then, arse grumble."

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Hmmm, "arse grumble", now there is some creative name-calling.
"Has everybody got their gerbils? Alright? Good. Okay, commence shaving."
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Sounds like STM is teaching Rodent Styling 101.


June 17 2011

"(video game sounds) PEW! PEW! PEW! I'm deflecting your babbling whining with my happiness shield. PEW!"

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"That's a HUGE one! Wow! Very very very big. Where're you gonna put it? Woooooh."
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Karen's notes: These are from the nest-egg. I suppose STM kept quiet last night because he was lonely. I'm in the US, you see, and Adam's back in London. When we're separated, Adam has to record himself and then send me the audio file. I pop it open in the morning, never knowing what I'm going to find. Well, let's just hope STM comes back out of his shell tomorrow.


June 16 2011

"I'm like a god. Only, it'll hurt more when I judge you."

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"Don't growl. Don't growl at me. Not nice. You could purr. Go on, purr like a tortoise. I like it when you purr like a tortoise.... Shut up. You're crap. Where's my tortoise?"
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Karen's notes: Well, it was one of those quiet nights, so these are from the nest-egg.

I'm heading off to Boston for a few days, so the blog will be posted during US mornings, rather than UK mornings. Incidentally, on Friday and Saturday nights, I'll be going to see the new play by Liars and Believers, so if anyone wants to come along, please find me and say hello!


June 15 2011

"I'm like a vulnerable fawn in the woods. One that happens to carry an uzi, some ninja throwing stars, and a mother fucking bazooka."

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I think we need to see an illustration of Bambi with those tweaks.
"You can send me diary entries I can ignore, or I can ignore you personally. You choose."
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Diary = personal calendar around here. I can't seem to remember whether it does in the States as well!
"Oh! You ARE a girl. It's not the genitalia, it's your lifestyle that gives it away."
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I can't quite make sense of this one. Is he insulting this person's genitalia, or the female lifestyle in general?


June 14 2011

"I've got a great game. You get a car, and a house. A good life. Then shit happens, you lose everything. I'm gonna call it Grand Theft Divorce."

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Oh. Oh wow. Yup, that's a jaw-dropper.

Incidentally, that's pretty accurate. Adam departed company from his first marriage with nothing but a few changes of clothes and his set of Global kitchen knives. Literally.


June 13 2011

"(whispering) It's the soup! It's the soup. It tastes like rancid cock butter. Uch."

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"Yes. You're right. There's a fine line between making people happy and ruining their god-forsaken lives."
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June 12 2011

"The gym is my domain. Machines are my bitches."

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Interesting, considering that Adam hasn't set foot in the gym for weeks.

That was the only thing Adam said last night. This reveal is actually from early Saturday morning, I was just in too much of a rush to transcribe it yesterday. What you need to know is that on Friday, we went to the kids' school to give a presentation about volunteering at the monkey sanctuary in Ecuador. One of the children in year two (second grade) is clearly obsessed with crocodiles, as he kept asking about them (without putting his hand up, I might add). So:

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Sebastian's parents, if you are readers of the blog, Adam does not actually think your child is stupid, nor does he have any intention of using him as a thermometer in predator-infested waters.

STM: (Lots of little grunts. Mumbling about water. More grunts. More water mumbling. A bizarre, untranscribable sound. Water again. Then—) CROCODILE!
ADAM: Stupid kid. Got crocodiles in my head.
KAREN: (chuckles)
ADAM: Morning.
KAREN: Morning, Baby, I love you.
ADAM: I remember dipping my toe in the river, at the rescue centre, checking how cold it was. And then there was a crocodile. That was Sebastian's fault.
KAREN: Yeah.
ADAM: Next time I dream of the river, I'm gonna use him to test the temperature of the water. Then we'll see if he's so excited about crocodiles.


June 11 2011

"I'm like a sunset. People always want to have their picture taken with me... Here's another one. Smile!"

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"If you can do what I can do, then you too can wear plastic pants. Bright orange plastic pants."
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Don't forget that, around these parts, pants means underwear.


June 10 2011

"Watch out! The possums, they'll drop on you from anywhere. Don't look up! Don't look up… Possums dropping! RUN! Oh, nasty."

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Karen's notes: Sorry the post was late today, guys. Adam and I left really early this morning to give a presentation on our volunteering experiences to the kids' whole school! Kids just love pictures of fluffy animals.


June 9 2011

"I'm different to other people. And when I say different, I mean better."

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"Stick! It's not a stick! It's a mother-fucking wand, dickhead. Show you my power!"
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How very Harry Potter of STM.

Reminder: Hey guys, Father's Day is lurking around the corner. Get your dad an STM card for that special day! The link is over there to the left.


June 8 2011

"I'm bored. Let's go and trip some old people."

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Nice one! And I could tell that Adam was gearing up for one of his marathon sleep talking sessions, too. But then I accidentally passed the red light of the recorder right past his eyeline, with the following results:

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ADAM: (waking) Whuzzat? Flashing light?
KAREN: Oh shit. It was me accidentally, with the recorder. I'm sorry.
ADAM: What are you doing holding the recorder again?
KAREN: We've been over this so many times!
ADAM: Okay.
KAREN: I do it every time because the sound quality is better than the microphone. We've talked about this every time! I'm sorry, Baby. Go back to sleep and talk some more.
ADAM: You woke me up.
KAREN: I know.
ADAM: For that your punishment shall be silence.
KAREN: I know.
ADAM: I can't summon STM up at will, you know.
KAREN: Listen, Sleep Talkin' Man in there, please come back out again later. I didn't mean to shine the light and make you go away. Can you hear me, Sleep Talkin' Man, in there?
ADAM: Fucking no?
KAREN: I'm not asking you.


June 7 2011

"Put those finger-toes away. Put them away! Freak of fucking nature. Ugh. Finger-toes, don't you pick things up with them! Ew. That's just not right. You start using them like hands, I'll chop your fuckin' arms off. Then you'll be stuck with them. That'll teach ya."

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I'm with STM on this one. Ever seen people who can do all sorts of fingery tasks with their toes? Gross.
"Stop talking. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, 'kay? Just say 'okay'. Shut the fuck up! Just say 'okay'. Shut the fuck up! Stop talking. Stop talking! Say 'okay'— Shut the fuck up! Ugh."
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Hmmm. Could this be Adam and STM coming into some sort of existential crisis?

ps- am I the only one who can't seem to play the audio today?


June 6 2011

"Your singing can wake the dead. So shut the fuck up. I don't want any zombies dropping their jazz hands all over the fucking place. Alright? Just shut it."

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I wanted to include an image of jazz hands, for those who need the visual. But after plugging the term into Google images, I'd rather let you guys have that full experience. Go on, try it.
"This tossed salad is a joke. There are leaves everywhere! Tidy it up, for fuck's sake. God!"
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Is this a sexual innuendo gone wrong?


June 5 2011

"Pitch funk… Potch fig. Hmmm… Poach funk. Pitch figgle. Ohhhhh. Well, what is it? What is it? ... Well who the hell's ever heard of a pitch fork? I mean, jesus, pitch fork, who's ever heard of a pitch fork? Fuck that shit. I'm bored of your garden quizzes. Piss off! Tossbag... I'll fertilize his garden when he's asleep. Shit in his roses. Fucking bollocks."

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June 4 2011

"I would gargle contents of the arseholes of the recently dead than go out with you. It's not a hard choice really."

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"My moose doesn't moo. It's broken. Broken moose! Fix it please. Fix my moose to moo. Moooose moooooooo."
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Karen's notes: I could tell that Adam was JUST about to start talking this morning, when he suddenly woke up yelling that the pillow was attacking him. Totally gutted. So, these are from the nest-egg.


June 3 2011

"I can't find my elbows. I've got no elbows! Where do I get new elbows from? No, that's a KNEE shop, I need an elbow. Oh, bugger. Elbow shop, where are you?... Found it! Right, I'll be back in two days. Off to get some elbows. Want any?"

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So, I guess that it takes them two days to fit a new set of elbows?
"I've got worms in the shed. A gardener's freakin' nightmare. Seriously. Oh fuck…"
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Too bad I had stopped the recorder this morning just after we woke up. When I played this last one for Adam, he did a brilliant voice-over for the coming blockbuster Worms In a Shed.


June 2 2011

"You're married. That's why you feel paralyzed from the waist down."

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What a delightful view of the institution of marriage.
"I AM the third-person omniscient. I know everything."
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For those who don't remember their middle school education very well, third-person omniscient is the unnamed literary voice that tells a story in "he/she" rather than "I". So basically, what STM is saying here is that he is the all-knowing narrator of the universe?

Amazingly, I had to tell ADAM what was meant by this. He never learned a lot of the formal grammar stuff that many of us did.


June 1 2011

"I'd like to take a minute and talk about your life. Preferably, the last minute."

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"Yeah, that's it. Give the octopus a gentle squeeze, and make him feel loved. Not too hard. No, not too hard&mdash Yeah, that ink is gonna be a bitch to get out."
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