I am speaking to you from the past! We're off camping for the weekend, so this has been pre-scheduled from the nest-egg. In honor of the fact that we're sleeping in the woods:"If a mozzie sucked the blood of a junkie, would it get high? Or would it see things? Fucking hate mozzies. Hope they get addicted."
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"Seriously, do the words 'You're an idiot' confuse you? Yeah, you see you're sweating now. Typical..... See? Even Google's got you on its list of fuck-ups."
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"Monkeys don't lay eggs. That's in act two. It shows you how difficult it is for them to be surrogate parents. The hippos are in trouble, but, yeah, they'll find somebody's little baby for them."
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"Is it a bird? Is it- Oh. It's Koala Man. Asleep in the branches again, and probably pissed. What an embarrassment to superhero-kind."
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"It's amazing how you can smell so bad, but still be alive."
or click here"Yeah, I'm taking my gluteus maximus to the max."
or click here"Well, so what you call me fat. I'll forget you even existed the next time I see a doughnut."
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Here's what my loving husband had to say as our one-year Anniversary dawned this morning..."Today couldn't have been any more perfect. Knowing you were on a slow train in hell, oh, that would be the cherry."
or click here"Finger painting's fun. I need to get some more fingers, though. Give me your fingers. Oh fuck it, I'll just cut 'em off. You've got pretty fingers. I can do some pretty painting with those pretty fingers. Toes, I can use toes! Yay! I'm sorted. Fingers and toes."
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At least he thinks my fingers are pretty.
"No. Don't look up. They're in the trees. Those tree cows. They're a deadly shot. They'll get you in the eyes. Get them down with threats of violence. And a bucket of grass, of course."
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That was in the dead middle of the night. Hours later, around 8am, I started gently stroking Adam's arm to wake him up:
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| STM: | STOP LICKING! (I hear "Stop looking") |
| KAREN: | I wasn't looking. I- |
| ADAM: | Cows are licking! |
| KAREN: | Licking? |
| ADAM: | Licking! |
| KAREN: | I was petting you. |
| ADAM: | You were licking me! |
| KAREN: | I was not licking you. My tongue was firmly ensconced in my mouth, and I was just using my hand to slightly- |
| ADAM: | It was wet. |
| KAREN: | -pet you. It- Uh- it's, nope, not wet. I'm pretty sure. See? Dry. |
| ADAM: | It's early, isn't it? |
| KAREN: | No... |
| ADAM: | You're bored. |
| KAREN: | No... |
| ADAM: | You've been up for a while. |
| KAREN: | Yes. |
| ADAM: | You're bored. |
| KAREN: | It's... time. Now shut up and hug me. |
(in response to me sniffling from hay fever) "Don't cry. S'okay. You've got an important role to play. You're cannon fodder. Now be good and stand still."
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"No. No! Not the spatula. No! The spatula strikes back!"
or click here"Well there, Mr. Mistoffelees. Not so clever now then, are you? Oh well. Mashed-up roadkill, Mr. Cadaverlies."
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"Mmmm. Hot dang! You look hot! And when I say hot, I mean... shite. Steamy, wet, stinky shite."
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"Hmmm.... PVC and duct tape... Superhero, or evil mastermind? I can't decide."
Oops, I drifted off and forgot to press "record" so I missed that one."Those gophers are back. I like 'em though. They're cheeky and cuddly. But they make a mess. Mmmmm. They need energy for the chase tomorrow."
or click here(Big wacky yawn. Then sort of singing) "Doo... Doo... Do you want to eat me? Hmm? Gobble me up? Chew on my hindquarters? Do you? WELL COCK OFF YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU'RE NOT TASTING MY MEAT! Fucking eat something else. I'm as tough as leather. Grrr. (sigh)"
or click here"WILL YOU GET COMFORTABLE!? Christ almighty. Uch... Right, that's better. Now we can begin!"
At this point, I turned over, ONE SINGLE TIME.
or click here"I'm GRRRRREAT! In your face, tiger!"
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"I'm sure you'll be thrilled and ecstatic at the thought of going out with me. But look at it from my point of view: Leeches attached to my testicles and a mass of flesh-eating caterpillars and ants over the rest of my body, gorging themselves on my flesh. A slow and ultimately painful death. So I hope you can see my point of view. It'll be a no to going out with you. Now run along and poison somebody else's life."
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"I'm just a chubby ninja. Able to move between skinny people. Tiptoeing elephant. No one can see me. And then I attack! With ice cream and jelly, with chocolate sprinkles on top. Mmmmm."
or click here(singing) "They went with a waddle and a quack, and a waddle and a quack, and a waddle and a SPLAT! Stay outta the road, duck-face!"
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"You know it's time to get up when you've got cold butt cheeks. Nothing worse. Goddamnit, I married you, the least you can do is lay across my ass and make 'em warm. Nothing else is working. (fiercely demanding) Warm my bottom, woman! Okay, I'm sorry. (whining pathetically) I don't like a cold bottom."
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By this point, I was feeling a moral imperative to cover Adam's exposed ass. I got out of bed, picked up the blanket, walked around to his side of the bed, and laid the blanket very gently on top of him...
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Before transcribing, I just want to mention here that, generally speaking, I do not use the word "bottom" among adults. I was merely quoting Adam.
For those who are only reading, just imagine that "(laughing)" is added in at every line.
| ADAM: | Ah! What'choo doing? What are you doing?! |
| KAREN: | You- You've just been talking on and on about your cold bottom! You've been- |
| ADAM: | Go away! It's not cold, it's airing. |
| KAREN: | You- Adam, listen to me- |
| ADAM: | What? |
| KAREN: | You even said, "I married you, the least you can do is lie across me and warm my bottom." And I started to feel so bad, that I finally decided to come cover your- cover your ass. |
| ADAM: | You decided to wake me up. |
| KAREN: | No- Adam- |
| ADAM: | You attacked me with the blanket. |
| KAREN: | Adam, why would I- why would I ever wake you up when you're talking and I want you to keep talking? |
| ADAM: | No, my bottom's not cold, I like to air it. It has a mass so great, it gets so hot anyway. |
| KAREN: | Adam, I'm trying to tell you- |
| ADAM: | Listen baby, come- I love you and I'm sure you had the best of intentions, but you woke me up. |
| KAREN: | Well, I didn't know what to do. You just kept going on and on about it. |
| ADAM: | I go on and on about lots of things, most of the time you ignore me. |
| KAREN: | But this time- I mean, this one seemed relevant to real life. I looked over and saw that it was in fact exposed. And then I started to feel so bad. You said, "I don't like having a cold bottom," and so I came to cover it because I was worried about you. |
| ADAM: | That I'd get hypothermia of the ass? |
| KAREN: | I didn't like you sounding so distressed. |
| ADAM: | Oh, but baby, you threw the blanket on top of me. |
| KAREN: | I laid it- You perceive that, but I actually laid it very gently. |
| ADAM: | Oh, I felt like I was attacked by a heavy flat thing. |
"Oh that hobbit loving. Taking it one little step at a time."
or click here"Get him outta here. That dirty little rabbit worrier. Leave those twitchy tails alone. Fluffy little bunnykins. Who'd want to make you so anxious? You've got enough to worry about. Oh, hoppity."
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And here is us waking up.
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"Ghostly froggies. A-hoppin' and a-haunting. Oooooh, ribbit. Oooooh, ribbit."
or click here"I feel a cold spot. Fuck off. You're a fucking cold spot."
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"You've got a nice face. But your personality is one huge cock block."
or click here"GYM: nothing more than Goddamn Yucky Masochism."
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"You offend my eyes. They're screaming. The burn! The burn! Oh, you're like acid on my vision. (groan, moan)"
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"Shhhh. Don't make noises in the kitchen like a tortoise. It attracts all sorts."
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"Welcome to your first day at duck school. I'll make the lesson simple. Okay: Quack. Quack quack. Very good class. Now go swimming."
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Adam talked his head off last night, and I put a bunch aside for a quiet night. But these three were right in a row. It's like STM went through an entire relationship over the course of 5 minutes..."Okay. Brace yourself. I can't be held responsible for the fallout. You ready? I Like You. Yeah, rock 'n roll."
or click here"How much do I love you? As much as I love myself, toned down a little bit."
or click here"Oh, this is a full stop. This is finished. This is no more. This is you and me. I'll make myself clear: piss off!"
or click here"We gotta get out of here. Oh! There's a giant aye-aye coming, and he's pissed! Oh!"
And then, we had this:
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Neither of us had any idea what Adam was talking about, so we googled around a bit. We discovered that an aye-aye is a type of lemur:
 | They are super freaky-looking. What is more freaky, though, is that Adam insists that he has never heard of aye-ayes in his life. |
"We should stand up for the downtrodden and ugly. Let them taste freedom for a moment... and then nuke the cunts."
or click here"Stop distracting me. I need focus! Goddamnit!"
It was time to wake up, so I started calling Adam's name softly and stroking his arm, to which he replied:
or click hereSTM: BOOBS!!
I waited a few moments, and then gave the arm-stroking another try....
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"Right, like I joined to get fit. I joined for the mirrors!"
or click here"Scuse me. 'Scuse me, have you got a- Oh! Sorry, wrong shop."
or click here"Oh! It's so cute. Now put it back in the fucking box. It makes me want to puke."
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"Nobody told me I couldn't bring that to tea. Why can't I bring it to tea? I'm really sorry to have upset you. It's not my fault. I thought it was ok. I did. Oh. It's not fair. It's not fair. You're bastards and you're trying to spoil my fun. Go on. I'm taking the iguana home. It's the last time you're gonna let your little chicks run around free!"
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"Elvis is dead. He is dead, I tell you! Buried and oh just a little bit smelly. Bad burger muncher."
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"Yeah I'm good. No shit, Sherlock. I'm the reason why there's so many adjectives for awesome."
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"I'm giving out tickets. Five minute slots to stand next to me. One at a time. Enjoy yourself."
or click here"You speak your mind, I punch your face. I think it's a fair exchange. We'll both be hurting."
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"The cake! It must be psychic. It's using Jedi mind tricks to make itself irresistible to me. This is the cake I want. I must have the soft icing."
or click here"CAKE-A-DOODLE-DOOoo! It's cake for breakfast!"
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"Of course I think about your family. I think about them all the fucking time! Christ it's depressing."
or click here"I've got a horrible urge to catch tuna in your stockings. Sustainably, of course."
or click here"Here's an avocado salad. There's danger camouflaged in the green."
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"Those little rascals! They made a froggie pyramid! That's how they got out. The Great Escape, froglet style."
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| Karen's notes: This one's easy. A couple of months ago, we collected two jars worth of frog eggs, and set them up in a tank in our garden. We watched them grow from tiny dots, hatch as tadpoles, grow little legs and arms, and lose their tails. We ended up with a tank full of tiny froggies, which we have been releasing back into the pond from which we took the eggs. Yesterday, Adam found that the last few had escaped from the tank into our garden. To put the size of these froggies into perspective, these little ones are sitting on the hands of Adam's nine-year-old son. |  |
