Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


July 31 2010

I am speaking to you from the past! We're off camping for the weekend, so this has been pre-scheduled from the nest-egg. In honor of the fact that we're sleeping in the woods:
"If a mozzie sucked the blood of a junkie, would it get high? Or would it see things? Fucking hate mozzies. Hope they get addicted."
 or click here

Karen's notes: "mozzie" = mosquito


July 30 2010

"Seriously, do the words 'You're an idiot' confuse you? Yeah, you see you're sweating now. Typical..... See? Even Google's got you on its list of fuck-ups."

 or click here

Karen's notes: My favorite part is that long pause. It's like he's actually taking the time to Google the term "fuck-up".

Merch news: The shirt shop just surprised us with ANOTHER special for this weekend: FREE SHIPPING!! No minimum purchase! Look to the left for details.


July 29 2010

"Monkeys don't lay eggs. That's in act two. It shows you how difficult it is for them to be surrogate parents. The hippos are in trouble, but, yeah, they'll find somebody's little baby for them."

 or click here


July 28 2010

"Is it a bird? Is it- Oh. It's Koala Man. Asleep in the branches again, and probably pissed. What an embarrassment to superhero-kind."

 or click here

Karen's notes: This was from the nest-egg. Don't forget, Americans, "pissed" = "drunk". Can anyone provide a cartoon to go along with this?

Merch news: Only FOUR DAYS LEFT for the special in the shirt shops. The details are in the "STM News" section over in the left panel.


July 27 2010

"It's amazing how you can smell so bad, but still be alive."

 or click here
"Yeah, I'm taking my gluteus maximus to the max."
 or click here
"Well, so what you call me fat. I'll forget you even existed the next time I see a doughnut."
 or click here

Karen's notes: Thanks to everyone for the lovely anniversary wishes! Speaking of which, and in light of Adam's final sentiment last night: We did carry out the tradition of hauling our wedding cake out of the freezer, unwrapping the sixteen layers of saran wrap (cling film, Brits), and partaking of a slice each.

Now, in its heyday, our wedding cake was quite literally the most delicious thing I had ever consumed. It was red velvet cake with vanilla butter-cream frosting, and it was mind-blowing. But I'll tell ya, twelve months in the freezer didn't do it any favors. Of course, that didn't stop us from finishing our slices (or me from having a second slice).


July 26 2010

Here's what my loving husband had to say as our one-year Anniversary dawned this morning...
"Today couldn't have been any more perfect. Knowing you were on a slow train in hell, oh, that would be the cherry."
 or click here
"Finger painting's fun. I need to get some more fingers, though. Give me your fingers. Oh fuck it, I'll just cut 'em off. You've got pretty fingers. I can do some pretty painting with those pretty fingers. Toes, I can use toes! Yay! I'm sorted. Fingers and toes."
 or click here

At least he thinks my fingers are pretty.


July 25 2010

"No. Don't look up. They're in the trees. Those tree cows. They're a deadly shot. They'll get you in the eyes. Get them down with threats of violence. And a bucket of grass, of course."

 or click here

That was in the dead middle of the night. Hours later, around 8am, I started gently stroking Adam's arm to wake him up:

 or click here

STM: STOP LICKING! (I hear "Stop looking")
KAREN: I wasn't looking. I-
ADAM: Cows are licking!
KAREN: Licking?
ADAM: Licking!
KAREN: I was petting you.
ADAM: You were licking me!
KAREN: I was not licking you. My tongue was firmly ensconced in my mouth, and I was just using my hand to slightly-
ADAM: It was wet.
KAREN: -pet you. It- Uh- it's, nope, not wet. I'm pretty sure. See? Dry.
ADAM: It's early, isn't it?
KAREN: No...
ADAM: You're bored.
KAREN: No...
ADAM: You've been up for a while.
ADAM: You're bored.
KAREN: It's... time. Now shut up and hug me.


July 24 2010

(in response to me sniffling from hay fever) "Don't cry. S'okay. You've got an important role to play. You're cannon fodder. Now be good and stand still."

 or click here


July 23 2010

"No. No! Not the spatula. No! The spatula strikes back!"

 or click here
"Well there, Mr. Mistoffelees. Not so clever now then, are you? Oh well. Mashed-up roadkill, Mr. Cadaverlies."
 or click here

Karen's notes: In case you didn't catch it, that was a CATS reference. Here is Mr. Mistoffelees. You can see why Adam might wish to imagine him as roadkill:


July 22 2010

"Mmmm. Hot dang! You look hot! And when I say hot, I mean... shite. Steamy, wet, stinky shite."

 or click here

Karen's notes: When Adam heard this, he said, "When have I EVER, in my LIFE, used the phrase 'hot dang'!?" Yeah, not exactly the Queen's English, is it?


July 21 2010

"Hmmm.... PVC and duct tape... Superhero, or evil mastermind? I can't decide."

Oops, I drifted off and forgot to press "record" so I missed that one.
"Those gophers are back. I like 'em though. They're cheeky and cuddly. But they make a mess. Mmmmm. They need energy for the chase tomorrow."
 or click here
(Big wacky yawn. Then sort of singing) "Doo... Doo... Do you want to eat me? Hmm? Gobble me up? Chew on my hindquarters? Do you? WELL COCK OFF YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU'RE NOT TASTING MY MEAT! Fucking eat something else. I'm as tough as leather. Grrr. (sigh)"
 or click here

At this point, I turned over, ONE SINGLE TIME.
"WILL YOU GET COMFORTABLE!? Christ almighty. Uch... Right, that's better. Now we can begin!"
 or click here
"I'm GRRRRREAT! In your face, tiger!"
 or click here


July 20 2010

"I'm sure you'll be thrilled and ecstatic at the thought of going out with me. But look at it from my point of view: Leeches attached to my testicles and a mass of flesh-eating caterpillars and ants over the rest of my body, gorging themselves on my flesh. A slow and ultimately painful death. So I hope you can see my point of view. It'll be a no to going out with you. Now run along and poison somebody else's life."

 or click here

Karen's notes: This was from Sunday night. Ya'll cannot imagine the power of will it took for me to hold this one back. But I really felt it deserved to be all on its own.


July 19 2010

"I'm just a chubby ninja. Able to move between skinny people. Tiptoeing elephant. No one can see me. And then I attack! With ice cream and jelly, with chocolate sprinkles on top. Mmmmm."

 or click here
(singing) "They went with a waddle and a quack, and a waddle and a quack, and a waddle and a SPLAT! Stay outta the road, duck-face!"
 or click here

Karen's notes: I almost lost it after "Stay outta the road, duck-face!" I truly have no idea why Adam keeps mentioning ducks.


July 18 2010

"You know it's time to get up when you've got cold butt cheeks. Nothing worse. Goddamnit, I married you, the least you can do is lay across my ass and make 'em warm. Nothing else is working. (fiercely demanding) Warm my bottom, woman! Okay, I'm sorry. (whining pathetically) I don't like a cold bottom."

 or click here

By this point, I was feeling a moral imperative to cover Adam's exposed ass. I got out of bed, picked up the blanket, walked around to his side of the bed, and laid the blanket very gently on top of him...

 or click here

Before transcribing, I just want to mention here that, generally speaking, I do not use the word "bottom" among adults. I was merely quoting Adam.

For those who are only reading, just imagine that "(laughing)" is added in at every line.

ADAM: Ah! What'choo doing? What are you doing?!
KAREN: You- You've just been talking on and on about your cold bottom! You've been-
ADAM: Go away! It's not cold, it's airing.
KAREN: You- Adam, listen to me-
ADAM: What?
KAREN: You even said, "I married you, the least you can do is lie across me and warm my bottom." And I started to feel so bad, that I finally decided to come cover your- cover your ass.
ADAM: You decided to wake me up.
KAREN: No- Adam-
ADAM: You attacked me with the blanket.
KAREN: Adam, why would I- why would I ever wake you up when you're talking and I want you to keep talking?
ADAM: No, my bottom's not cold, I like to air it. It has a mass so great, it gets so hot anyway.
KAREN: Adam, I'm trying to tell you-
ADAM: Listen baby, come- I love you and I'm sure you had the best of intentions, but you woke me up.
KAREN: Well, I didn't know what to do. You just kept going on and on about it.
ADAM: I go on and on about lots of things, most of the time you ignore me.
KAREN: But this time- I mean, this one seemed relevant to real life. I looked over and saw that it was in fact exposed. And then I started to feel so bad. You said, "I don't like having a cold bottom," and so I came to cover it because I was worried about you.
ADAM: That I'd get hypothermia of the ass?
KAREN: I didn't like you sounding so distressed.
ADAM: Oh, but baby, you threw the blanket on top of me.
KAREN: I laid it- You perceive that, but I actually laid it very gently.
ADAM: Oh, I felt like I was attacked by a heavy flat thing.


July 17 2010

"Oh that hobbit loving. Taking it one little step at a time."

 or click here
"Get him outta here. That dirty little rabbit worrier. Leave those twitchy tails alone. Fluffy little bunnykins. Who'd want to make you so anxious? You've got enough to worry about. Oh, hoppity."
 or click here

And here is us waking up.

 or click here


Karen's notes: I have nothing to say about this weirdness

Merch news: We had lots of requests for "Ooooh, ribbit" as a ringtone. Now you can get it here.


July 16 2010

"Ghostly froggies. A-hoppin' and a-haunting. Oooooh, ribbit. Oooooh, ribbit."

 or click here
"I feel a cold spot. Fuck off. You're a fucking cold spot."
 or click here

Karen's notes: These are both from the nest-egg, we had no talking last night.

Anyone notice a theme here?

At this juncture, I must reveal that Adam and I have been known to watch a TV show in which a team explores sites that are reported to have paranormal activity. They're constantly talking about cold spots. This explains why Adam has ghosts on the brain.

Now, by sharing this fact about us I'm demonstrating how much I've come to trust you all, so DON'T MAKE FUN. Everyone has their guilty-pleasure show. We also watch rather high-brow British panel shows, so there.

Added later: I have explained panel shows in the comments.


July 15 2010

"You've got a nice face. But your personality is one huge cock block."

 or click here
"GYM: nothing more than Goddamn Yucky Masochism."
 or click here

Karen's notes: I mentioned last week that Adam just joined a new gym. Every single time he works out, he emails me right after to describe the pain. Sissy. I'm definitely making him that in a workout shirt.

Merch stuff: Now listen up. I've noticed a few people have ordered enough merch to get themselves a free bag or apron, but then didn't take advantage of the offer. That's crazy! Isn't everyone as obsessed with free stuff as I am? Get your act together, people! Shameful.


July 14 2010

"You offend my eyes. They're screaming. The burn! The burn! Oh, you're like acid on my vision. (groan, moan)"

 or click here

Karen's notes: We got nothin' out of him last night, so I turned to the nestegg for this one. I couldn't figure out how one would spell those expressions of disgust at the end.


July 13 2010

"Shhhh. Don't make noises in the kitchen like a tortoise. It attracts all sorts."

 or click here

Karen's notes: Molly (the cutest dog that ever lived) was moving around on the bed right before this. I've never thought of her as particularly tortoise-like, but what do I know?

Irrelevant advice solicitation: Anyone know a great place to go camping in East Sussex? Preferably where you don't pitch your tent in a big open field among a bunch of other tents?


July 12 2010

"Welcome to your first day at duck school. I'll make the lesson simple. Okay: Quack. Quack quack. Very good class. Now go swimming."

 or click here

Karen's notes: This is one of those gems that I saved from Saturday night. I can't help wondering what training has qualified STM to teach Duck School. Quack quack, indeed.

Merch news: The shirt shops have a great special on. If you spend $40 or £40, you get an apron, messenger bag, or baseball cap free! Use coupon code ADDONFREE in either shop (Canadians, use CADADDONFREE).

If there is a quote you want on an apron, bag, or hat-- I'm talking about a quote that's already on shirts-- just drop me an email.


July 11 2010

Adam talked his head off last night, and I put a bunch aside for a quiet night. But these three were right in a row. It's like STM went through an entire relationship over the course of 5 minutes...
"Okay. Brace yourself. I can't be held responsible for the fallout. You ready? I Like You. Yeah, rock 'n roll."
 or click here
"How much do I love you? As much as I love myself, toned down a little bit."
 or click here
"Oh, this is a full stop. This is finished. This is no more. This is you and me. I'll make myself clear: piss off!"
 or click here

And then, we had this:
"We gotta get out of here. Oh! There's a giant aye-aye coming, and he's pissed! Oh!"
 or click here

Neither of us had any idea what Adam was talking about, so we googled around a bit. We discovered that an aye-aye is a type of lemur:
    They are super freaky-looking. What is more freaky, though, is that Adam insists that he has never heard of aye-ayes in his life.  


Merch news: Loads of people wanted "BOOBS" as a ringtone, so go get it!

And, I forgot to mention yesterday, I put "Right, like I joined to get fit. I joined for the mirrors!" into the shops. I want to see you all wearing it to the gym.


July 10 2010

"We should stand up for the downtrodden and ugly. Let them taste freedom for a moment... and then nuke the cunts."

 or click here

It was time to wake up, so I started calling Adam's name softly and stroking his arm, to which he replied:
"Stop distracting me. I need focus! Goddamnit!"
 or click here

I waited a few moments, and then gave the arm-stroking another try....

 or click here
KAREN: I don't think I'll put that one on the blog.
ADAM: I got "oobs". (meaning, "I know I said 'oobs'.")
KAREN: (laughing) You missed the first letter but you got the rest?
ADAM: Oh... "boobs" I said?
KAREN: (fondly)Yes.


July 9 2010

"Right, like I joined to get fit. I joined for the mirrors!"

 or click here
"Scuse me. 'Scuse me, have you got a- Oh! Sorry, wrong shop."
 or click here
"Oh! It's so cute. Now put it back in the fucking box. It makes me want to puke."
 or click here

Karen's notes: Adam just joined a new gym, and yesterday he worked out for the first time in over a year. If I had known his true motivation, I would have hidden all our mirrors to get him to join earlier!

In the second one, I imagine he's out shopping for, like, a new spatula, and he suddenly realizes that he's entered a hard-core sex shop.

As for the final one... I don't know. What's cute and comes in a box?


July 8 2010

"Nobody told me I couldn't bring that to tea. Why can't I bring it to tea? I'm really sorry to have upset you. It's not my fault. I thought it was ok. I did. Oh. It's not fair. It's not fair. You're bastards and you're trying to spoil my fun. Go on. I'm taking the iguana home. It's the last time you're gonna let your little chicks run around free!"

 or click here

Karen's notes: Oh, this one just broke my heart. Poor Adam sounds so hurt.

By the way, this is from last week, we had a quiet night last night.


July 7 2010

"Elvis is dead. He is dead, I tell you! Buried and oh just a little bit smelly. Bad burger muncher."

 or click here

Karen's notes: I was utterly baffled by that last phrase. "What did that have to do with anything?", I asked Adam. He replied, "Elvis ate a lot of burgers, didn't he?" Yeah, whatever.

Shameless merch update: "CAKE-A-DOODLE-DOOooo" is now on shirts, aprons and mugs. "I'm the reason why there's so many adjectives for awesome" is on mugs, and the shirts will be up later today.

Also, the prices on STM greeting cards have just dropped!

AND, I added "BaGAWK" and "Cake-a-doodle-dooo" as ringtones. Any other ringtones people want?

Links to all of the shops are in the left-hand panel.


July 6 2010

"Yeah I'm good. No shit, Sherlock. I'm the reason why there's so many adjectives for awesome."

 or click here

Karen's notes: I can't believe Adam actually said "No shit, Sherlock." The last time I said that, I must have been, like, fifteen.


July 5 2010

"I'm giving out tickets. Five minute slots to stand next to me. One at a time. Enjoy yourself."

 or click here
"You speak your mind, I punch your face. I think it's a fair exchange. We'll both be hurting."
 or click here

Karen's notes: It's a classic STM day: One self-aggrandizing, one insult!

Thanks to the couple of readers earlier who helped me figure out the "I punch your face" phrase, which I could not decipher for myself.

And thank you also to everyone who expressed their concern for us on Saturday. It was the first time in many months that there was no blog entry. Even when we are going away, I pre-schedule them, and I was very sad to break my sterling record. Ah well, all is back as it should be.


July 4 2010

"The cake! It must be psychic. It's using Jedi mind tricks to make itself irresistible to me. This is the cake I want. I must have the soft icing."

 or click here
"CAKE-A-DOODLE-DOOoo! It's cake for breakfast!"
 or click here

Karen's notes: Sorry about yesterday, guys. Our internet was down all day.

We did not have any cake yesterday, although I did mention cake. Of course, I mention cake every day-- I love cake. If I talked in my sleep, I would probably talk about nothing but cake.

Speaking of cake, I want to take this opportunity to tell you all about the lovely cakes that Adam makes for his children's birthdays every year. I think they're wonderfully executed. This year, he did an aircraft carrier on the ocean for his 9-year-old and a rain forest scene for his 6-year-old. I'm going to go find some images and add them.

Added later: Here are the ones I could track down. I had BETTER NOT see any of these on Cake Wrecks later:

those are licorice reins and a marshmallow eyeball!

that's the rainforest scene. The alligator pond is my favorite part.



July 2 2010

"Of course I think about your family. I think about them all the fucking time! Christ it's depressing."

 or click here
"I've got a horrible urge to catch tuna in your stockings. Sustainably, of course."
 or click here
"Here's an avocado salad. There's danger camouflaged in the green."
 or click here

Karen's notes: Please God, don't let my mom read the blog today.

Mom, if you are reading, Adam loves you, and he is not talking about my family in reality. For god's sake, the man talks about zombie guinea pigs. He's not well!

As for the avocado salad, it may be useful to know that Adam is allergic to avocado. If he ate one, his head would swell up and explode. I almost broke off the engagement when I found out, but because I am such a forgiving person, I have instead learned to live with this character flaw.


July 1 2010

"Those little rascals! They made a froggie pyramid! That's how they got out. The Great Escape, froglet style."

 or click here

Karen's notes: This one's easy. A couple of months ago, we collected two jars worth of frog eggs, and set them up in a tank in our garden. We watched them grow from tiny dots, hatch as tadpoles, grow little legs and arms, and lose their tails. We ended up with a tank full of tiny froggies, which we have been releasing back into the pond from which we took the eggs.

Yesterday, Adam found that the last few had escaped from the tank into our garden.

To put the size of these froggies into perspective, these little ones are sitting on the hands of Adam's nine-year-old son.