"Oh yeah. Like a typical woman, you've got something to say. And like a typical man, I won't pay attention. It's simple, it works."
or click here"You're a wiffely-bobbly. Yes, a wibbly-bobbly. Stop with the wibbly-bobbly. (in a series of funny voices) Stop it I saaaaay! Stop iiiiit! Shtop it! Better, a little bit better. Better. Yes. Alright. Going to go it again!"
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"Sure you've got a job here... if you wanna work somewhere where you're NOT FUCKING WELCOME."
or click here"My meatballs taste better than yours. Oh, yes they do!"
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Adam DID make Turkish meatballs the night before he said this. He had made some minor adjustments to his mother's recipe and, I must say, they were even better than hers (sorry, Sandy)!
(with a sudden start) "Cock off, spider! Keep your legs to yourself. Stop playing with the shit that comes out of your arse as well. I don't care how sticky it is, I don't go spreading my shit all over the wall. Fucker! OOH!" (slaps my hand lying next to him)
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And here is the reveal. I love this one, that Adam can't quite get over the possibility that there might be a real spider involved. A couple of relevant facts: 1) For the past week, we've had a spider living in our bathroom. We've named him Patrick; 2) Adam and the kids have been feeding the spiders in our garden, tossing dead flies into their webs and watching them wrap them up and suck out their inside bits.
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| ADAM: | (suddenly slaps my hand, lying nearby) OOH! |
| KAREN: | It's okay. It was just my hand. |
| ADAM: | What're you doing? |
| KAREN: | There was a spider— |
| ADAM: | Did you wake me up— Where is a spider?! |
| KAREN: | You were talking about a spider. |
| ADAM: | Is it in the bed?! |
| KAREN: | Well— |
| ADAM: | I don't want to sound like a wuss, but I'd rather it's not in the bed. |
| KAREN: | No, there weren't any real spiders. |
| ADAM: | You sure? |
| KAREN: | Well I don't know, actually. There could be, by coincidence, but you were just talking— |
| ADAM: | Should we look in the bed? Do you think that Patrick's in bed? |
| KAREN: | I love Patrick! |
| ADAM: | No you don't. |
| KAREN: | Yeah! |
| ADAM: | When was the last time you fed him? Hm? He's an accessory to you, that's all. |
| KAREN: | No, he doesn't like to be fed. He likes to be self-sufficient. They don't like it when you feed them. |
| ADAM: | Well, not the ones in the garden, they seem to love it. |
| KAREN: | No, they're just patronizing you. |
"I've got some fabulous nail polish for that camel toe."
or click here"I don't care what you think. He's a cunt. And that must make you a cunt by association."
Ugh. Nice. For anyone that's lost on this one, you might want to visit this wikipedia page. In fact, everyone should go see it anyway; the absolute earnestness with which it treats this unfortunate condition is priceless.
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"Okay, everybody! Anyone who hasn't eaten, put their arms in the air!... That's not YOUR arm! Stupid fucking zombies."
or click here(singing to tune of 'I'm So Ronery' from Team America) "Fugly... You're so fugly...(spoken) Yeah you are. Yeah."
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"Loving you is an important life lesson. You learn about all the fucking stupid mistakes you make."
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Oh, he's such a romantic!
"I need a human pyramid. And it's got to be a naked human pyramid. No other kind will do."
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"Why the fuck do you have to keep acting like an arsehole? You must have Imitation Bowel Syndrome."
or click here"I should have known, crisps don't make good bookmarks. It's all messy! Oh! Clean my book, please. Thank you."
Oh. Wow. That's just... Wow.
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Don't forget, folks, "crisps" are potato chips around these parts.
"You know, you would be much more fun if you stuck seeds all over your body so I could watch the birds peck you to death."
or click here"You're losing weight, and I'm losing interest."
Oooh, that WOULD be fun!
I'm not sure how to interpret this next one. Perhaps STM prefers larger women?
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"I will learn the language of the gummy bear. They will be astounded, and they'll have to make me their king. Yeah. King of the gummy bears. Oh, I'll be nice to them… at first. (evil chuckle) At first. Num num num num num num. I'll eat their feet with a lovely carton of Ribena. Num num num num num num..."
or click here"Ffffffffffucker!" (followed by the usual series of random sounds)
Hmmmm, Silence of the Bears?
Oh, you non-Brits out there, Ribena is black-currant drink. You gernally buy it super concentrated, and add it to water. It's the only thing I drink here!
And then, there was just this:
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"You're always coming back. You're like herpes, or a terminator. No one's looking forward to seeing those again."
or click here"Put that marrow away boy. You do not want to go there. I will fuck you up."
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I was baffled when I heard this one. Marrow? Like, the stuff inside bones? How exactly would you threaten someone with that?! It turns out that "marrow" is the UK equivalent of "squash". Here's a marrow:
And, like "squash" in the US, "marrow" is mistakenly thought to refer to only certain members of it's vegetable family, when it actually encompasses tasty things like pumpkins and zucchini as well ("zucchini" has it's own word here, too. It's "courgette").
"It's a story about a pirate, a cyborg, and his terrapin. It's an autobiography. 'Hardback'. It's reviewed very well."
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A literary triumph for shell-backed reptiles everywhere!
And this is a new development: My first sort of conversation with Sleep Talkin' Man, although at the time, I had no idea. Adam sat up quite suddenly, and the following conversation ensued. I assumed he was awake, and was relating to me his dream.
If Adam's final comment leaves you baffled, go watch this.
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| ADAM: | (sits up suddenly, with a gasp of breath) |
| KAREN: | Yes? |
| ADAM: | No, it's okay. |
| KAREN: | What was it? |
| ADAM: | I forgot my shower cap. |
| KAREN: | What did you need it for? |
| ADAM: | Oh, you know. The usual. But it's okay. I'm not doing it anymore... You don't need yours either. |
| KAREN: | Well that's good, 'cause it's really hard to find a shower cap that fits all my hair. |
| ADAM: | Big hair... Wait, what? |
| KAREN: | What what? |
| ADAM: | What— I'm confused. |
| KAREN: | Do you know— |
| ADAM: | What?! |
| KAREN: | Were you awake for the conversation we just had? |
| ADAM: | Um, sort of. Kind of— I'm— Arrr— You were talking to me. |
| KAREN: | No. I mean, yes, but because you were talking to me. |
| ADAM: | Nooooooo... What's going on?! |
| KAREN: | You— Well, what I thought was that you woke up very suddenly and very dramatically— |
| ADAM: | Oh, did I do the hamster? |
| KAREN: | What?! |
| ADAM: | Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUNN kind of dramatic? |
"Well in that case, I need a box of wine, a hand grenade, and 50,000 butterflies. That should do it."
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Anyone care to hypothesize as to what he has in mind here?
"You're one in a million... and I'm second to none. Who's better now, bitch? Hey? Who's better now?"
or click here"I've got all the ammunition in the world. But if I run out, bring on the chinchillas!"
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And the reveal:
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| KAREN: | Do you want to hear the things you said? I've been up for an extremely long time, so I already have them all ready to go. |
| ADAM: | Mmmm-hmmm. |
| KAREN: | Ready?... |
| RECORDING: | "I've got all the ammunition in the world. But if I run out, bring on the chinchillas!" |
| KAREN: | I have a question. I've been wondering for the last two hours while I've been lying awake. Is it that you have the chinchillas trained to attack? Or are you just planning to throw chinchillas at your enemy? |
| ADAM: | I thought I'd be using them as ammunition, so slingshots and catapults filled with chinchillas. |
| KAREN: | But it could be that they're all attack chinchillas, and you have a huge army of them, and you just let them loose. They're really fast. |
| ADAM: | They're even faster when you shoot them out of a cannon. |
"Hello tree. Hello flower. Hello bee… you wanker."
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Presumably inspired by this delightful Indian summer we're having!
"Since when did the intergalactic cowboy become sheriff in this town? It's MY town! Fuck off, space cowboy, with your plutonium chaps."
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Hmm. Plutonium chaps can NOT be comfortable.
"Mmm. You smell of… Hmm, what is it? Ah, you smell of arse vomit."
or click here"Cake and ice cream. A match made in belly heaven. Mmmm."
Ugh. I wonder if ass vomit smells anything like vagina chunder? Anyway, things got more palatable after that:
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"Open your mouth once more, and I swear I'll chew your fucking lips off. Try singing show tunes then, dickwad."
or click here"I can rebuild the world... in paper-mache. Friggin' awesome!"
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And finally, we have another one of STM's marathon bizarre noise sessions. It's like an alien scatting. Except for that brief little James Cagney impersonation. Anyone else hear that?
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"I wrote your life story. It was shit. So I flushed it. And now it's bobbing along with all the other turds. You're a turd. Turdy turdy turd. A turd turtle! Turd. Turd. You're a shit. Turd. Poop! (giggles) I said 'poop'. Poop! Poop... You're a turd."
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My favorite part? Definitely "turd turtle".
Then, around 5:30 am, we had this fascinating conversation:
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| ADAM: | (waking suddenly) What time did you set the alarm for? |
| KAREN: | Six forty-five. |
| ADAM: | WHY!?! |
| KAREN: | ... Because it's a work day. |
| ADAM: | Oh. We can get up later. |
| KAREN: | We can? |
| ADAM: | I don't know. What time do you want to get up? |
| KAREN: | Um, I'm confused. |
| ADAM: | Well, you either get up or you don't get up. What time are you going to get up? |
| KAREN: | I would get up at seven thirty? |
| ADAM: | Right, set the alarm for six forty-five. |
| KAREN: | Adam? |
| ADAM: | Mmm-hmm? |
| KAREN: | I'm completely baffled by the conversation we just had. |
| ADAM: | Why? It's quite simple. Set the alarm for six forty-five, I'll get up at seven, and you get up at seven thirty, no? |
| KAREN: | Yeah... |
| ADAM: | All right then, go back to sleep. |
| KAREN: | But, that's what we always do. |
| ADAM: | Shhh. Stop waking me. |
| KAREN: | Wait, do you think I woke you up? |
| ADAM: | Well, yeah. You asked me what time... |
| KAREN: | Baby? I can't wait to listen to this conversation with you in the morning. |
"Mustard! Mustard before ketchup. Always after mayonnaise. Get it right, then you've reached perfection."
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"'Sea cow this' and 'sea cow that'. Fucking bastard sea cows taking up all the conversation! It's MY turn to shine."
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Here's what's so great about this one: I've started addressing Sleep Talkin' Man sometimes before we go to sleep. For example, if Adam hasn't talked in his sleep for a few days, I'll say, "Listen, Sleep Talkin' Man in there, I really miss you. Could you please come and visit me tonight?" A few nights ago, I said, apropos of nothing, "Sleep Talkin' Man, I'd really like to hear about manatees, okay?" And this was what came out that very night. Sounds like STM resented my showing interest in any particular subject matter, rather that his mere existence. Awesome.
"Hallelujah! I put the chicken in the vegetarian curry. Praise the bird! Praise the bird!"
or click here"Eyes. Oh, your eyes. Stop them! No! They're trying to eat my face! Bizarre. Oh. Ohhhhh." (followed by a series of horrifying noises utterly impossible to transcribe)
Well, we're back on the vegetarians again! And then there was this:
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And here's the reveal:
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| ADAM: | (waking suddenly) Oh shit, what's the time? |
| KAREN: | 6:14. Give me a moment, can you give me just a second? Okay: you're a freak! |
| ADAM: | I love you too. |
| KAREN: | Oh my god. Before you woke up, you were saying, "No, your eyes, they're going to eat me!" But then, you started making this noise... I can't... |
| ADAM: | What are you trying to say? |
| KAREN: | I got really freaked out, to be honest. I can't even do it. I can't do anything even remotely resembling, and I bet you couldn't even do it awake. |
| ADAM: | I'll have to hear it. Is it like the noises you've heard before? |
| KAREN: | No! No! It's like nothing I've ever heard before. Okay, I'm going to try really hard to do my best approximation. (to self) How would you make that noise... Something like (makes a noise that just barely resembles the actual noise...) You did it for a long time. It was horrible. I actually got kind of scared. I don't know what I mean by that, 'cause I wasn't scared in any kind of rational way that something would happen to you— |
| ADAM: | You were frightened about the eyes eating me? |
| KAREN: | No! |
| ADAM: | Okay, good. 'Cause that've been silly. |
| KAREN: | It was... just the noise, I can't explain it. |
| ADAM: | Well I don't feel weird about myself now! |
