Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts. Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam. Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)
And here we are in the dead of night, after Adam has awakened from sleep talking. I'm trying to explain to him how amazing it is that STM waited to talk until I had the recorder sorted, and Adam simply refuses to focus on the correct point.
Oh, well, I'm always like this when you're talking. But also, I had battery mishap.
ADAM:
Battery mishap.
KAREN:
You woke me up making little noises—
ADAM:
Little noises!
KAREN:
And so, I saw that the recorder wasn't on, and then when I pressed record, I saw it was because of the batteries. So then, I went running all over the flat looking for batteries—
ADAM:
You ran over the flat? I mean, you went... You got out of bed?
KAREN:
Oh yeah.
ADAM:
Why are you talking to me with your eyes closed?
KAREN:
I don't know, it feels nicer? And then I took the batteries from the remote. But you know the crazy thing?
ADAM:
You can see!
KAREN:
But you know the crazy thing—
ADAM:
I cured you!
KAREN:
You waited for me.
ADAM:
Piss off.
KAREN:
Usually, you do your little noises, and then you start talking.
ADAM:
And did you do your hummy thing?
KAREN:
... A little.
ADAM:
Young lady!
KAREN:
But this is the most amazing thing, you waited! I'm almost sure you didn't talk while I was running around.
ADAM:
I'm pretty sure you probably sat there going "hmmmm" again, at me, to get me to talk.
KAREN:
But that's not the important part. You waited for me, that's crazy! There's something else, too, what was it?
Don't put those in my face. Get those away from my face. Get them away! Noooooo... TOES!
KAREN:
... Did you say "toes" or "toast"?
ADAM:
(face buried in the pillows) Toes.
KAREN:
Was someone putting their toes in your face, Baby?
ADAM:
I don't know.
KAREN:
You were saying, "Get those away from my face," and then you yelled "toes!"
ADAM:
I gave myself a fright.
KAREN:
Aw, come here. Don't be frightened.
ADAM:
One minute I think I'm asleep—
KAREN:
You didn't think you were asleep, you were asleep. You were not mistaken.
ADAM:
You know when you dream you're falling, and you just start to hit the ground, and you brace yourself—
KAREN:
Yeah, and you start awake.
ADAM:
I hate that feeling, and that's what I just had, mixed with shouting.
KAREN:
But, there were toes involved. Were you falling into a sea of toes?
ADAM:
I can't imagine that. Can you imagine that? Dismembered toes?
KAREN:
Maybe they're not dismembered. Maybe it's all people... lots of people doing handstands! Doing handstands! And so all their toes are wiggling in the air.
ADAM:
If they're doing handstands and I'm falling into them, the toes are the last thing I'm worried about.
"This is a friendly rock. Let me rub it on your face lightly. Yeah. Now it's got your scent, it'll like you. Let me show you: Stand there, and I'm gonna throw the rock at you. Watch how it wants to connect with you, time and again."
Am I the only one who was confused on this one? Adam had to point out to me that, for this to make sense, STM must be talking to a man. Oh, okay. Now I get it.
(all sing-song) "Who's a cutie? Who's a cutie cutie cutie cutie cutie... You are! You've got your coat on, I've got the lead. Time to take the sea cucumber for a walkie. Come on, cucumber! Walkie!"
Sea cucumbers are amazing marine animals. I went looking for a picture for you guys, and got totally paralyzed for choice, they are so varied. I finally managed to narrow it down to three. Can you imagine dragging one of these down the block on a leash?
"Where's the nail polish remover? It's time to clean your eyeballs. Need the liquid! Mmm-hmmm. And a scouring brush. Yeah. Get into all those hard-to-reach places."
"Get up! You gotta get up. We've got some watching to do. Mmm-hmmm. So get up, and make me food! I need food to watch. Gimme some watching food. Mmmm. Watching food."
"Oh, you've done it now. You've pushed me too far. I'm gonna bring out the attack gerbil and sit back and watch him tear you a new fuckin' asshole. Come on, gerbil, attack! Stop sitting there cleaning yourself looking cute, you fucker, and KILL! KILL!! Damn it. Stupid twitchy nose little thing. Arrrgh. I have to give up this killer-training-for-gerbil thing. Maybe I can train hamsters in the art of the ninja. They'll look cool in black."
Just before we went to sleep, we were Skyping with my friend Jenny. Jenny, a vegetarian herself, signed off the conversation by saying, "Don't say anything mean about vegetarians tonight!" Apparently, STM doesn't take requests.
"Imay otay oingay... Oh, kids, just come out with it!"
"OOH! Oh, that's interesting. The back of your head is really interesting. No, no, let me keep looking at the back of your head. That's it, yeah. Now, if you walk away as well, it's incredible. Yeah. Keep walking. Fantastic!"
"I'm gonna need about five more arms, three eyes, and an eighth more brain. Yeah. And then I'll be a one-man X-Box ninja fighting army! Bring it on, bitches!"
"Oh no. It looks like we've got one of those Play-Doh homicides. Poor little fellow never stood a chance against THE MALLET. Call in the clear-up team, this one's a little messy."
We do play with Play-Doh every so often, and Adam likes to make creatures of various ilks. Here's one of his creations. This guy looks too cool to have been the victim.
"That's not a goody bag! That's a fucking old shite bag. Fucking plastic toy. Oooh, balloons. You can't give that shit away without expecting a kick in the nuts, now give me a fucking goody bag and make it full of goody!"
This was from Saturday night. Adam's daughter had gone to a birthday party that day, from which she returned with what I deemed to be a perfectly respectable goody bag. Sounds like STM didn't agree.
And after watching The X-Factor for the first time:
"You know what's so amazing about your voice? No, neither do I. I was hoping you could enlighten me, 'cause personally, I think it's shite. Fuck ooooooffff, mutha-fuckaaa!"
For those outside the UK, The X-Factor is like American Idol, but with much more varied contestants, and way more heart. We watched it because we were staying at Adam's parents' house, and they are big fans. Unfortunately for Adam, I think I'm hooked.
You also said, "the prince and the mermaid lived happily ever after. Until her brain exploded. The end."
ADAM:
A twist on the... It's not a nice kind of story to tell kids.
KAREN:
Wouldn't it be funny if STM came in to do reading hour in a public library?
ADAM:
I did have to go to nursery to read the kids a story. Oh my God, I just remembered the story I read them. Okay, so, parents are invited to go and ready a story to their children's class at nursery. And they can come and read a book of their choice. Me being me, I wouldn't take any book. No. I brought the book about the story of the mole and the poo. It was about a mole who came out of the ground, and as he was poking his head out of the ground for the first time ever, something pooed on his head. And he had to go around to all different animals to find the different poos to work out who it was that pooed on his head. It was a great story. The kids loved it. The teacher's face was horrific. But once I started, they just couldn't stop me. Yeah... It wasn't called Who's Poo Is It Anyway... Oh! The Mole Who Knew It Was None Of His Business.
KAREN:
Come on.
ADAM:
Yup.
KAREN:
It's a book?
ADAM:
Yup. Soon to be a film, I'm sure. And so, he went to visit all the animals, and as he was exploring the poos there were sound effects to go with each.
KAREN:
Like SPLAT?
ADAM:
There was lots of splats or if it was a deer it was the pitter patter pitter patter, and he had to describe the shape and the color.
KAREN:
Oh my God.
ADAM:
I know! It was a great story. I thought it was hilarious.
KAREN:
Well, it's not just hilarious, it's educational.
ADAM:
Yeah. Especially kids that age. Toilet training and everything. I wanted to make poo fun!
I presume those outside the UK won't get this one. Dick Turpin was England's most famous highwayman. Think of him as the Billy the Kid of the UK.
__________
Merch news: I've added some new quotes to the shop. You'll find "Why pray when you can google", "I've got some fabulous nail polish for that camel toe" and "You must have Imitation Bowel Syndrome"!
AND, Spreadshirt is doing a new promo: If you manage to spend $50 or £50, you get $10 or £10 off your order. Your order has to include a long-sleeved shirt (it's all about autumn), and it's only until Oct. 10.
"It's the green cherries we need. They gotta be green. They gotta look like a pair of dead dog's testicles. Yeah. Just with a little bit of dangle. Not so much give. Yeah. Perfect."
"I've got a solution to the problem. It's the only one that'll work. But you're gonna have to die. DIE JELLY BABY!! Hahahahaaaa. Yum yum yum. You're gonna have to die, too. And you. Not you, I don't like you. You're the red one, the red ones are horrid. You just get dried up in a corner. Yeah, ha ha."
