Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Oct 31 2011

"Stupid vodka-shooting cat!"

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"I hate bubbles. Oh sure they're nice and pretty to begin with. But then the rainbow colors just go POP! Instant downer. Mother fucking bubbles."
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And here we are in the dead of night, after Adam has awakened from sleep talking. I'm trying to explain to him how amazing it is that STM waited to talk until I had the recorder sorted, and Adam simply refuses to focus on the correct point.

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ADAM: What are you doing so awake?
KAREN: Oh, well, I'm always like this when you're talking. But also, I had battery mishap.
ADAM: Battery mishap.
KAREN: You woke me up making little noises—
ADAM: Little noises!
KAREN: And so, I saw that the recorder wasn't on, and then when I pressed record, I saw it was because of the batteries. So then, I went running all over the flat looking for batteries—
ADAM: You ran over the flat? I mean, you went... You got out of bed?
KAREN: Oh yeah.
ADAM: Why are you talking to me with your eyes closed?
KAREN: I don't know, it feels nicer? And then I took the batteries from the remote. But you know the crazy thing?
ADAM: You can see!
KAREN: But you know the crazy thing—
ADAM: I cured you!
KAREN: You waited for me.
ADAM: Piss off.
KAREN: Usually, you do your little noises, and then you start talking.
ADAM: And did you do your hummy thing?
KAREN: ... A little.
ADAM: Young lady!
KAREN: But this is the most amazing thing, you waited! I'm almost sure you didn't talk while I was running around.
ADAM: I'm pretty sure you probably sat there going "hmmmm" again, at me, to get me to talk.
KAREN: But that's not the important part. You waited for me, that's crazy! There's something else, too, what was it?
ADAM: I know what it was!
KAREN: What?
ADAM: Go to sleep.


Oct 28 2011

"Thank you for dinner. Now if I ever say that something tastes like the anal evacuation of the recently deceased, I'll have a frame of reference."

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"Watermelon? What the fuck?! My fucking cantaloupe, mother fucker."
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Oct 27 2011

"I don't break hearts. No. I DESTROY THEM. I'm the Death Star of break-ups."

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And then...

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STM: Don't put those in my face. Get those away from my face. Get them away! Noooooo... TOES!
KAREN: ... Did you say "toes" or "toast"?
ADAM: (face buried in the pillows) Toes.
KAREN: Was someone putting their toes in your face, Baby?
ADAM: I don't know.
KAREN: You were saying, "Get those away from my face," and then you yelled "toes!"
ADAM: I gave myself a fright.
KAREN: Aw, come here. Don't be frightened.
ADAM: One minute I think I'm asleep—
KAREN: You didn't think you were asleep, you were asleep. You were not mistaken.
ADAM: You know when you dream you're falling, and you just start to hit the ground, and you brace yourself—
KAREN: Yeah, and you start awake.
ADAM: I hate that feeling, and that's what I just had, mixed with shouting.
KAREN: But, there were toes involved. Were you falling into a sea of toes?
ADAM: I can't imagine that. Can you imagine that? Dismembered toes?
KAREN: Maybe they're not dismembered. Maybe it's all people... lots of people doing handstands! Doing handstands! And so all their toes are wiggling in the air.
ADAM: If they're doing handstands and I'm falling into them, the toes are the last thing I'm worried about.


Oct 26 2011

"This is a friendly rock. Let me rub it on your face lightly. Yeah. Now it's got your scent, it'll like you. Let me show you: Stand there, and I'm gonna throw the rock at you. Watch how it wants to connect with you, time and again."

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"It's a cricket bat, dumb-arse! Jesus, dick-shit, a cricket bat. Game of the kings!"
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Oct 25 2011

"Don't make me come over there and piss in your shoes again. You know you don't like it."

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Well, who would?
"I know I shouldn't have, but, I got you a t-shirt. I got it for you in large and, just in case, in holy-shit-you're-fat size."
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Oct 24 2011

"You're one weeping snatch away from being a complete fucking bitch."

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Am I the only one who was confused on this one? Adam had to point out to me that, for this to make sense, STM must be talking to a man. Oh, okay. Now I get it.
(all sing-song) "Who's a cutie? Who's a cutie cutie cutie cutie cutie... You are! You've got your coat on, I've got the lead. Time to take the sea cucumber for a walkie. Come on, cucumber! Walkie!"
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Sea cucumbers are amazing marine animals. I went looking for a picture for you guys, and got totally paralyzed for choice, they are so varied. I finally managed to narrow it down to three. Can you imagine dragging one of these down the block on a leash?


Oct 22 2011

"Where's the nail polish remover? It's time to clean your eyeballs. Need the liquid! Mmm-hmmm. And a scouring brush. Yeah. Get into all those hard-to-reach places."

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Oct 21 2011

"I'm the best thing to happen to you since you discovered masturbation."

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Wow. That WOULD be tough to beat.

And then we had one of those repeats, in which STM apparently feels he didn't make himself clear the first time. Listen to this:
"Don't you dare interrupt me. You can interrupt me when I'm fucking goddamn finished!"
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And then go back and check out the May 17 post.


Oct 20 2011

"Seriously, could you be any more annoying? Oh. Oh yes, you could. You could be your mother."

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"Get up! You gotta get up. We've got some watching to do. Mmm-hmmm. So get up, and make me food! I need food to watch. Gimme some watching food. Mmmm. Watching food."
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What could he be watching? And, what would make good watching food? Any ideas?


Oct 19 2011

"Oh, you've done it now. You've pushed me too far. I'm gonna bring out the attack gerbil and sit back and watch him tear you a new fuckin' asshole. Come on, gerbil, attack! Stop sitting there cleaning yourself looking cute, you fucker, and KILL! KILL!! Damn it. Stupid twitchy nose little thing. Arrrgh. I have to give up this killer-training-for-gerbil thing. Maybe I can train hamsters in the art of the ninja. They'll look cool in black."

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Oct 18 2011

"Watching you dance does remind me of a dyspraxic ice-skating octopus I once had."

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And then, Adam's delightful awakening:

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KAREN: Do you know what you just said?
ADAM: ... Jacket?
KAREN: No. I don't think so.
ADAM: I have a horrible feeling that I saw something horrible before I woke up.
KAREN: What?
ADAM: I don't quite remember.
KAREN: Well, what you said is a word that... sounds a little bit like jacket.
ADAM: Maggot... Does it rhyme with jacket?
ADAM: Well, why don't you tell me what the word is.
KAREN: Okay...
ADAM: Are you cringing?
KAREN: Yeah.
ADAM: Aw, no. Is it that bad?
KAREN: No, I guess not. Um, I'm pretty sure you just yelled "ejaculate."
ADAM: That would make sense. I had that feeling that there was something horrible coming towards me.
KAREN: Well, does that help you remember what you actually saw?
ADAM: Probably a whole load of ejaculate.


Oct 17 2011

"You know, the world will be a much better place when we get to eat vegetarians. Furthermore, you get your five-a-day with one of those."

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Just before we went to sleep, we were Skyping with my friend Jenny. Jenny, a vegetarian herself, signed off the conversation by saying, "Don't say anything mean about vegetarians tonight!" Apparently, STM doesn't take requests.
"Imay otay oingay... Oh, kids, just come out with it!"
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I was impressed at Adam managing to speak pig latin in his sleep, until I realized that he had thus far said "my toe going".


Oct 16 2011

"Don't stand so close to me. You've even got my asshole dry-heaving. Move away."

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Ugh. I apologize for posting this.


Oct 15 2011

"No one told me it was a bring your own rubber tortoise party."

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Oct 14 2011

"OOH! Oh, that's interesting. The back of your head is really interesting. No, no, let me keep looking at the back of your head. That's it, yeah. Now, if you walk away as well, it's incredible. Yeah. Keep walking. Fantastic!"

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Oct 13 2011

"I'm gonna need about five more arms, three eyes, and an eighth more brain. Yeah. And then I'll be a one-man X-Box ninja fighting army! Bring it on, bitches!"

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"Oh, jeez. You're so pathetic, you're permanently halfway towards pity sex."
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Oct 12 2011

"Oh no. It looks like we've got one of those Play-Doh homicides. Poor little fellow never stood a chance against THE MALLET. Call in the clear-up team, this one's a little messy."

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We do play with Play-Doh every so often, and Adam likes to make creatures of various ilks. Here's one of his creations. This guy looks too cool to have been the victim.


Oct 11 2011

"Ugh! Moses in a mosh pit, your breath stinks! Have you been sucking out my dog's anal gland? Pheeeeeeewww-eeee!"

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For those who, like us, have a doggie with an anal-gland issue, you can begin to imagine the horror of what that would taste like.

Also, I WILL find a way to use "Moses in a mosh pit" as an exclamation today.
"Sequins: A bag full of sparkly love. Mmm, sparkle sparkle. Yay! Sparkle sparkle..."
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Oct 10 2011

"That's not a goody bag! That's a fucking old shite bag. Fucking plastic toy. Oooh, balloons. You can't give that shit away without expecting a kick in the nuts, now give me a fucking goody bag and make it full of goody!"

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This was from Saturday night. Adam's daughter had gone to a birthday party that day, from which she returned with what I deemed to be a perfectly respectable goody bag. Sounds like STM didn't agree.

And after watching The X-Factor for the first time:
"You know what's so amazing about your voice? No, neither do I. I was hoping you could enlighten me, 'cause personally, I think it's shite. Fuck ooooooffff, mutha-fuckaaa!"
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For those outside the UK, The X-Factor is like American Idol, but with much more varied contestants, and way more heart. We watched it because we were staying at Adam's parents' house, and they are big fans. Unfortunately for Adam, I think I'm hooked.

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ADAM: (loud smack!)
KAREN: (horrified gasp) Oh my god! Baby? What just happened?
ADAM: Where are we?!
KAREN: We're at your parents'.
ADAM: Oh, it's not a bad dream. I really am here.
KAREN: (giggles, then) Baby, what just connected with what?
ADAM: Oh, yeah, that'd be my aching hand...
KAREN: With what?
ADAM: The solid wall.
KAREN: Aww. Well, you know what, you were twitching and stuff.
ADAM: So I was just twitching and then I lashed out? Nothing else?
KAREN: No, I mean, you were talking.
KAREN: The last thing you said before you woke up, I think it was, (yawn) it was related to The X-Factor.
ADAM: Oh you don't be serious, please no.
KAREN: You said, "You know what's so amazing about your voice? Neither do I."
ADAM: You know you can never post that, don't you? 'Cause I don't want anybody knowing that I watch The X-Factor, okay?


Oct 9 2011

"Never, NEVER have a food fight with an octopus. Custard pie eight-shooter with deadly accuracy. Who invited him in the first place?"

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Oct 8 2011

"That's an interesting perfume. What do you call it? Eau de Sweating Shit, maybe?"

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Ugh. Nice one.


Oct 7 2011

"So the prince and the mermaid lived happily ever after... Until the mermaid's brain exploded. The end."

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Aaaaaand the reveal:

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KAREN: You also said, "the prince and the mermaid lived happily ever after. Until her brain exploded. The end."
ADAM: A twist on the... It's not a nice kind of story to tell kids.
KAREN: Wouldn't it be funny if STM came in to do reading hour in a public library?
ADAM: I did have to go to nursery to read the kids a story. Oh my God, I just remembered the story I read them. Okay, so, parents are invited to go and ready a story to their children's class at nursery. And they can come and read a book of their choice. Me being me, I wouldn't take any book. No. I brought the book about the story of the mole and the poo. It was about a mole who came out of the ground, and as he was poking his head out of the ground for the first time ever, something pooed on his head. And he had to go around to all different animals to find the different poos to work out who it was that pooed on his head. It was a great story. The kids loved it. The teacher's face was horrific. But once I started, they just couldn't stop me. Yeah... It wasn't called Who's Poo Is It Anyway... Oh! The Mole Who Knew It Was None Of His Business.
KAREN: Come on.
ADAM: Yup.
KAREN: It's a book?
ADAM: Yup. Soon to be a film, I'm sure. And so, he went to visit all the animals, and as he was exploring the poos there were sound effects to go with each.
ADAM: There was lots of splats or if it was a deer it was the pitter patter pitter patter, and he had to describe the shape and the color.
KAREN: Oh my God.
ADAM: I know! It was a great story. I thought it was hilarious.
KAREN: Well, it's not just hilarious, it's educational.
ADAM: Yeah. Especially kids that age. Toilet training and everything. I wanted to make poo fun!


Oct 6 2011

"Seriously, the more questions you ask, the more reasons you give me to use your mouth as a piece of anal plumbing. Cock off!"

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Am I the only one who had to puzzle this one out?

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KAREN: What exactly are you saying there? So you're going to... put something down their throat?
ADAM: Use their mouth as a piece of anal plumbing...
KAREN: Oh. Wait. Are you gonna poop into their mouth?
ADAM: I think so...
KAREN: Who's anus is it?
ADAM: "Who's Anus Is It Anyway"! Um, if I'm going to be using their mouth as a piece of anal plumbing that would be—
KAREN: Yes, okay, that means that you're going to—
ADAM: My arse, their mouth.
KAREN: Okay, yeah, I agree. This one requires—
ADAM: A diagram?
KAREN: Maybe it does.


Oct 5 2011

"Wow. I can't believe I got punched in the face by a cow! Those bovines have bad attitudes. Total bitches. Oh, that's gonna leave a mark."

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"I am the highwayman in a half shell. I'm Dick Terrapin. Scourge of the roads, nibbler of fingertips."
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I presume those outside the UK won't get this one. Dick Turpin was England's most famous highwayman. Think of him as the Billy the Kid of the UK.

Merch news: I've added some new quotes to the shop. You'll find "Why pray when you can google", "I've got some fabulous nail polish for that camel toe" and "You must have Imitation Bowel Syndrome"!

AND, Spreadshirt is doing a new promo: If you manage to spend $50 or £50, you get $10 or £10 off your order. Your order has to include a long-sleeved shirt (it's all about autumn), and it's only until Oct. 10.


Oct 4 2011

"Yeah, okay, you're sorry. You're French, you've got to be fucking sorry! Mangetout twat."

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Mangetout is the fancy-pants word for snap peas or snow peas.
"Red panda. Red panda!... Blue gazelle. Whoopie shit."
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Oct 3 2011

"It's the green cherries we need. They gotta be green. They gotta look like a pair of dead dog's testicles. Yeah. Just with a little bit of dangle. Not so much give. Yeah. Perfect."

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Oct 2 2011

"Wait, wait! No, wait... Oh, shit, I forget... Hang on... What is it? What is it? Think... Oh, I remember now: FUCK YOU! Glad I remembered that."

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Oct 1 2011

"I've got a solution to the problem. It's the only one that'll work. But you're gonna have to die. DIE JELLY BABY!! Hahahahaaaa. Yum yum yum. You're gonna have to die, too. And you. Not you, I don't like you. You're the red one, the red ones are horrid. You just get dried up in a corner. Yeah, ha ha."

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Jelly Babies are much like gummi bears, except way creepier...