Jan 31 2011

"My main aim in life? Your face. You'd better watch out."

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Merch reminder: Only 5 days left for free shipping!

* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Jan 30 2011

"(in affected posh voice) One must always have a green bean coffee roaster. (back to regular voice) I mean, seriously. What a fucking douche."

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Karen's notes: Adam wishes to make it perfectly clear that he is NOT talking about his brother. He's sure that lots of people out there are into green bean coffee roasters, and that some of them are, in fact, douches.

* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Jan 29 2011

"Being overweight's hard work. You should applaud my determination."

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* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Jan 28 2011

"Don't worry. If you kick one bunny, then all the rest will scatter."

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* Today's post was pre-scheduled. We're off on holiday!

Jan 27 2011

"Ground Control, this is Weasel. I'm all ready to go. Just waiting now... (whispering) Itchy fur, itchy fur. (full voice) Ground control, this is Weasel. I think I've got fleas… Begin countdown... Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep... Ground Control to Weasel, I hope you're house trained."

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Karen's notes: Oh. My. God. Could STM possibly have given us a better send off for holiday?!

(I know that, like me, you're all singing to yourselves about Major Tom now).

Yes, tonight Adam and I head off into the rainforest of Ecuador to volunteer at a primate sanctuary for two weeks. But do not fear, fair reader! I have pre-scheduled posts for every day with gems from the nest-egg. And we will have occasional internet access, so we'll be keeping up with comments.

Hopefully, I'll come home with loads of monkey-inspired quotes to delight and disgust!

Jan 26 2011

WEDNESDAY REWIND: STM, Fashionista

"Yes, I can get away with wearing leather chaps. Just not on a windy day."

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"Since when did my underwear look good on you? Take it off. Take it off your face."

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"If I'm gonna be in charge, I need a cape. You can't do the job without a cape. Take me to the cape tailor."

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"You're right, elephants in thongs is not something you see every day. Enjoy it."

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"Methinks it's time to go naked native. It's a shower cap and singlet for me."

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And we can't leave out the classic

"Ninjas in stilettos. Fashion assassins! Not so stealthy, but oh so stylish!"

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Jan 25 2011

"I'm gonna keep this simple, for your sake: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE. Okay? Okay."

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"Don't— don't— don't let the midget out of the wardrobe. No. He doesn't come out until Thursday… Not until Thursday."

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And the reveal:

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transcript below

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Merch news: In response to a bit of clamoring, I put "I'm so happy I could shit a puppy" into the shops as quick as I could. And don't forget that there's free shipping on shirts right now!

KAREN:	You said, "Don't let the midget out of the wardrobe. He doesn't come out until Thursday."
ADAM:	He's got to polish all my shoes. Cleans my shoes, straightens my shirts, and guards against moths. Thursday is his day off.
KAREN:	Are moths afraid of midgets?
ADAM:	He eats the moths.
KAREN:	Oh. Does he get to eat anything else?
ADAM:	Moths and dust.
KAREN:	Dust is mostly human skin cells.
ADAM:	He eats dust.
KAREN:	So, you're saying he's a cannibal. Aren't you afraid of keeping a cannibal around the house?
ADAM:	No, I don't keep him around the house. I keep him in the wardrobe.
KAREN:	Where does he go on Thursday?
ADAM:	I let him out so he can stretch his legs. It doesn't take much. He likes to skateboard.
KAREN:	Does he?
ADAM:	Apparently so. I see him going up and down the hill. Then at six o'clock in the evening on the dot, he bounces back into the wardrobe. He likes it there. It's cosy. He's made a little nest in my t-shirts.
KAREN:	No wonder your t-shirts smell like that.
ADAM:	I love you, midget! Next year I'll give you a name.

Jan 24 2011

"(chuckling) I'm so happy I could shit a puppy."

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"I call this cake Death By Icing."

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Karen's notes: Definitely inspired by reality. Yesterday was my step-son's 10th birthday party with the family. As he does every year, Adam made an elaborately decorated cake. Although the cake was beautiful and delicious, the icing was, indeed, quite abundant and horrifyingly sweet.

You can see some of Adam's past cakes here.

Jan 23 2011

"You didn't leave me any ice cream. Why didn't you leave me any ice cream? You shit-head mother fuckers, you never give me any ice cream. Well happy fucking birthday. You're fucks, the lot of you. I only wanted some ice cream. With chocolate sauce. And oreo. And marshmallow. And some chocolate sprinkles. Yeah, that's all I wanted. AND A SPARKLER. Couldn't even do that for me. I hate you all. FUCK BAGS!"

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Last night, we had a slumber party for Adam's son's birthday. Five kids. And for dessert, we served— yup—ice cream with crushed oreos and chocolate sauce. I suppose STM thinks we should have taken it further, with the marshmallows and sprinkles and all. The thing is, Adam chose not to partake. Sounds like STM was feeling rather indignant about that. A bit harsh for a bunch of little kids, though.

Here's what followed:

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STM:	FUCK BAGS!
KAREN:	Ummm....
ADAM:	They didn't hear anything, did they?
KAREN:	I don't know. I don't think so.
ADAM:	What time is it?
KAREN:	It's early. Could we go back to sleep please?
ADAM:	I'm already halfway there, Baby.
KAREN:	I'm gonna do puzzles to put myself to sleep.
ADAM:	I've got a puzzle for you: How can I empty my bladder without moving. And without destroying our marriage.

Jan 22 2011

"Do I love you a little or a lot? Hmmm? No, it's a lot. It's your shit-head inner-self that only loves you a little."

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Karen's notes: I suppose this is counseling, STM style.

Jan 21 2011

"From now on, you will OBEY ME. 'Kay? Now just nod your head once for yes. That's good."

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"Ohhh, Snuffleupagus. You're such a hairy cunt."

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Karen's notes: My favorite part of that first one is the adorable little "'kay?" in the midst of all that machismo.

As for the other, I hope Adam looks at this picture and feels properly ashamed of himself:



Look at that. Eyelashes to die for! I'm sure I was not alone in Snuffleupagus being my number one on Sesame Street. I always did go for the tortured soul type.

Jan 20 2011

"I'm beautiful inside and out. Not my fault you're intimidated by my beauty."

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"Ahhh, Agent Hujinikabolokov. We meet again. Fancy tea?"

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Adam provided me with an explanation for this one. I even switched the recorder back on so that he could explain it again for your benefit:

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For those who are still lost, "nick" = steal, and "bollock" = testacle.

KAREN:	Ok, Adam, for the benefit of the people out there, would you please explain this quote.
ADAM:	It's a joke: What do you call a russian with three testacles?
KAREN:	I don't know, what?
ADAM:	Hujinikabollokoff.... No one said it was a funny joke. But I still giggle about it.
KAREN:	Thank you very much.
ADAM:	I love you.
KAREN:	I love you.

And, for those who are STILL utterly baffled, the answer is hidden in the comments.

Jan 19 2011

"So what, vegans are healthier and live longer. Let them be the last ones living on a dead planet."

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Karen's notes: Whoa, dark. Sounds like STM is jumping into the environmental debate in his own special way.

Sorry about the audio player yesterday, guys. It seems to have been an intermittent bug, either with the player itself, or with Blogger. Please let me know if it happens again today.

Merch news: February 14 is fast approaching, and that means two things — 1) Time to get your anti-Valentine's cards, and 2) The shirt shop is doing a free shipping promo! But you have to order by Feb 4, so hop to it.

Jan 18 2011

"I'll buy the cow and put it on the roof. High-rise farming is gonna be MY invention."

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"I can see your future. And— Oh. You just had the best bit."

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And for those with too much free time, this is what I found on the recording from the very beginning of the night. Adam has obviously found himself a delightful new amusement. There was a full 12 minutes of this.

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Readers who can't listen to audio for this, I'm so sorry, but it is just way too long and non-sensible to transcribe. Suffice it to say that Adam catches me in the state where you are dreaming just barely awake, and he keeps me talking rubbish as long as he can.

Jan 17 2011

"If I had wheels, how much would you pay to ride on me? Hmm? Not enough."

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"Stay monkey. Stay. Oh fuck, where did you go? Monkeeeeeeey? Monkeeeeeey! Stupid fuck face. MONKEY!"

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Those two were from the nest-egg, since we had no talking last night. (I LOVE "Stay Monkey".) But, here's what transpired this morning as I lay there in the early hours, working on my laptop, hoping to get something out of him:

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ADAM:	(singing out into the silence) There's a liiiiiight over at my wife's laptop. There's a lii-iii-ii-iii-iiiiight, shining from her crotch— No, that's not right—
KAREN:	I thought you were singing in your sleep. Now I'm disappointed.
ADAM:	Piss off. ...Good morning.
KAREN:	Good morning.
ADAM:	(rustling from the foot of the bed) Molly, what are you doing?
KAREN:	Awww.
ADAM:	Bring her up here.
KAREN:	Come on. Come visit with Daddy.
ADAM:	Oh, I can smell you from here actually.
KAREN:	It's her ears.
ADAM:	Her brain smells.
KAREN:	(to Molly) You have a rotten brain.
ADAM:	A rat for a brain?
KAREN:	Rotten brain!
ADAM:	Rotten.
KAREN:	Yes.
ADAM:	Say it.
KAREN:	Rotten.
ADAM:	Rotten.
KAREN:	(with exaggerated English accent) Rotten.
ADAM:	Better. Say it. Say "better".
KAREN:	(English) Better. B-E-T-T-A-H. Better.
ADAM:	Better.
KAREN:	No wonder your children cannot figure out how to spell -er words.
ADAM:	That's 'cause they're dumb.
BOTH:	(Laugh)

Jan 16 2011

"(chuckling) The joke's on you, God. I'm free will in action."

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Karen's notes: This one's from the nest-egg. It seemed an appropriate choice for a Sunday.

Jan 15 2011

"I'm telling you, there's no fate anymore. There's just television."

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"Where's your hair? Where's your hair? You got to let it out of there. Come on. Let it shiiiiine. That's better."

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Jan 14 2011

"Cream cheese to the moon, mother fucker!"

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Jan 13 2011

"Talk about a talented man... Go on, talk about me. A lot."

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"Yeah, I've got a healthy respect for chairs. Stools, hmm, dodgy fuckers."

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"dodgy" = of questionable moral or structural integrity, shady

"Why have I got shrimp on my wall? (whining) Oh, this isn't a musical. Guys! Oh. Shrimpy."

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And the reveal. In order to fully understand the conversation, you have to know that Adam is quite accident prone.

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KAREN:	"I've got a healthy respect for chairs. Stools, dodgy fuckers."
ADAM:	Stools?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Not true though. Don't believe that for a second.
KAREN:	Why, what do you feel about stools in reality?
ADAM:	Honestly? With my track record, stools are not to be trusted.
KAREN:	So, this is true, what you said.
ADAM:	I wouldn't say I have a healthy respect for chairs though. They're just more stable in my life.
KAREN:	Ha ha.
ADAM:	Ha ha ha... (in movie trailer voice) "Shrimp on the Walls: The Musical." Like Snakes on a Plane.

Jan 12 2011

WEDNESDAY REWIND: Knock 'em down a peg

"Look at you up there on your pedestal. I bet you're proud of yourself.... Twat."

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"You are the perfect candidate for post-natal abortion. Got it?"

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"If you weren't such a fucking prick, you'd be a decent person."

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(full belly laugh, then) "That was funny! Do it again! Yeah. I love it when you try to speak intelligently. So funny. So funny." (more chuckles)

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"Are you listening? Are you? You listening good? Keep listening... PISS OFF MOTHER FUCKER, YOU WEEK-OLD BAG OF WANK! Thank you for listening."

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Jan 11 2011

"Even your reflection thinks you're a pathetic piece of scum. Now leave me be. I've got some breathing to do."

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Jan 10 2011

"Watch out! I've got a hot-pant leg warmer moment coming on."

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"Are you really gonna go through life not realizing how ugly you are? Uch."

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And then there was this adorable little chuckle:

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Jan 9 2011

"Okay everybody. It's time for some whale song. Get ready: (a full 13 seconds of tuneful humming) MMMMmmmmm, mmmMMMMMMmmm, mmmmmMMMMMm... Oh, I'm filled with so much humpback happiness right now."

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And the wake up:

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KAREN:	(gently) Adam? Adam? Baby.
ADAM:	(starts awake with hand splayed in a "stop" position in front of my face)
KAREN:	Jeez!
ADAM:	Don't hurt me.
KAREN:	I didn't even move. I was just saying your name softly.
ADAM:	Were you?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	Okay.
KAREN:	I didn't want to touch you because then you wake up all sudden and violently. So I just tried saying your name... I don't know how to wake you up then. There's nothing left.
ADAM:	With ice cream. You can always wake me up with ice cream.

Jan 8 2011

"Yesterday I made history. Tomorrow can suck today's dick as far as I'm concerned."

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Karen's notes: This quote, uttered early this morning, is amazingly apropos for today's post.

You see, I once had a silly little blog that, on its very best day, had had 459 visitors. And then one fateful day, exactly one year ago today, in fact, Adam and I awoke to find that the world had discovered my little blog overnight— literally.

So on this first anniversary of the blog going viral, I want to thank all of you faithful readers for sticking around for so goddamn long. Here's to many years of STM amusing and offending us.

Jan 7 2011

"Ok sextopus, don't make me come under that rock to get you. I'm gonna count to six. Come on, boy. I would count to ten, but, he goes crazy every time he hears that word 'eight', especially after the boating accident. I feel sorry for him sometimes."

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"Oh, I hope you take this advice to heart: You look fat when you cry."

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Karen's notes: Get it? Sextopus? Like, octo - eight, sexto - six? What, didn't everyone study latin in high school?

(I'm already preparing myself for all the comments correcting me on my pseudo-latin.)

I have to tell you, though, STM cannot take credit for this one. Molly has a soft toy, which would be an octopus, except it has only six legs. I named it Sextopus. I'm so glad that STM has given him his moment in the spotlight! Here he is:

Jan 6 2011

"Oh, hamsters don't give love like guinea pigs. No, no. Guinea pigs are a love package, all wrapped up in little squeaks."

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"I'm telling you, you can't dance. You just look like a fat pogo stick, now sit down!"

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Karen's notes: I must say, I am in agreement with STM on this one. No, not the dance critique. I'm talking about the comparative analysis of rodent love. Guinea pigs are way more adorable and affectionate than hamsters. And here we have the ensuing conversation in which I do my best guinea pig impersonation, and Adam tells a story that many people who bought themselves more than one guinea pig (having been told at the pet store that they were the same sex) have experienced.

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KAREN:	Do you want to hear my guinea pig impression?
ADAM:	Go on.
KAREN:	WHREEE WHREEE WHREEE WHREEE WHREEE
ADAM:	(chuckles)
KAREN:	Are those my socks?
ADAM:	No! It's my black and white little ones.
KAREN:	What?! Those aren't black and white little ones.
ADAM:	They're black and grey little ones.
KAREN:	They're not even little. What are you talking about?!
ADAM:	They're my socks.
KAREN:	What did you think of my guinea pig impression?
ADAM:	I thought it was very guinea pig-like.
KAREN:	Was it?
ADAM:	Yes. I got put off guinea pigs when I had thirteen of the fuckers. Three were fine. I could live with three. They were good at cutting the grass. But when thirteen came along, I was... No.

Another note: When Adam says "They were good at cutting grass," he's talking about the fact that he used to have the guinea pigs mow his lawn for him. He set up a four-sided barrier which he would lay on the grass, put the guinea pigs in, and go about his other business. After a while, he'd come back and move the barrier (and guinea pigs) to another square. He'd repeat this until the whole lawn was perfectly trimmed.

Oh, and, I just want to explain that the socks Adam was putting on were striped black and dark charcoal grey, and they were regular length, halfway-up-the-calf socks.

Jan 5 2011

WEDNESDAY REWIND: Food Fight!

"Don't... Don't put the noodles and the dumplings together in the boat. They'll fight! The noodles are bullies. Poor dumplings."

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"Stop throwing mangoes. You're going to take somebody's eye out, or worse!"

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"The carrots are winning! Damn those parsnips and their stupid infighting. They've got so much to learn. Bring on the swede. Ooooh, that'll show 'em."

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"It's a fajita fight."

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Merch update: We got a number of requests for "I'm not fat. It's just my awesomeness swelling up inside me" on merch. You can now get it on mugs, regular shirts, in plus sizes, and on maternity shirts! (thanks for that brilliant idea, LaCrisha)

Jan 4 2010

"I'm not fat. No. It's just my awesomeness swelling up inside me."

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"I'm gonna mess you up so badly, Stick Man, that when I'm finished with you, you're just gonna be a scribble. Yeah!"

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And then there was the awakening:

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ADAM:	(wakes suddenly, with a kung-fu block) I heard growling.
KAREN:	No, Baby, it was totally silent.
ADAM:	No, I heard growling.
KAREN:	I believe you—
ADAM:	It was a soft grrrrrrr.
KAREN:	I don't think so.
ADAM:	Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was. Right by me.
KAREN:	Ok.
ADAM:	Yeah... You know I could have karate chopped your computer to pieces.
KAREN:	(laughes incredulously)
ADAM:	It's true! I was— I was ready!
KAREN:	Uh-huh.
ADAM:	I was ready, I could have powwed it!
KAREN:	That's why we have insurance. For just that sort of thing.
ADAM:	Why have I got a cold? I've woken up with a blocked up nose, sore throat... Ow, Baby?
KAREN:	Don't worry. We'll fix you. We'll fix you.
ADAM:	Stop trying to jiggle me!
KAREN:	I'm not trying to jiggle you! I'm trying to reassure you.
ADAM:	If that's reassurance, I'd rather be scared.

Jan 3 2011

"Ah, the years have turned. And so has our love. Oh well."

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Karen's notes: This little number from last week seems a great way to kick off 2011.

Jan 2 2011

"Sure you can look at my arse... walking away from you forever. Dickhead."

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"No I'm not bony. I'm ergonomically designed. Smooth edges."

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"It's not that I love jogging. No, I've just got a phobia of taxis."

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Jan 1 2011

"I'll have you, Blackbeard. And then I'll have your beard. Mmmm, I love stealing beards. Be the Pirate Beard of the Bearded Sea. Arrrgggh. And all of you follicly-challenged people can be on MY crew. And everyone with beards will quake with fear!"

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"I love you. You've got the most beautiful eyes. They're filled with "I love you"… I'm talking about my dog, you silly cow. With those floppy ears. Mmm, floppy."

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Karen's notes: Happy New Year, everyone!

We had a little family New Years' party last night with Adam's kids and their cousins, and we all watched—you guessed it— Pirates of the Caribbean! Now, I can't help noticing that there is a bit of a contradiction here.

I should mention, by the way, that Adam is very much NOT follicly challenged. His five o'clock shadow comes in by about 11 am.

As for floppy ears and love-filled eyes, get a load of this: