"Hold me. I want you to feel greatness."
"You certainly are incredible. A perfect example of genetics gone wrong. Now go stand in the corner and dribble or do something just as intelligent."
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)
Warning: Um, don't play today's audio at work. Or in front of your small children.
"I can't see the trees for the dominoes. Knock down the trees. Have a knock-down tree rally."
"Oh please, give me the satisfaction of closing a door and you leave. You're so good."
"It's cabbage soup for you. All day. Nothing else. And you'll like it."
"You piss-flap motherfucking tosser! No, I DON'T want to say anything else. I think that sums you up enough."
or click here__________
Karen's note: Ok, this is my last real-time post for a couple of weeks. We're leaving for honeymoon at the elephant orphanage today, and we got ourselves "Elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only" t-shirts for the occasion.
But don't despair! I've pre-scheduled blog posts, Facebook updates, and Tweets for every day, and we've got an army of friends set up to moderate the comments, and a house-sitter to feed the fishies. You may even get some of my favorite audio while we're away!
(Speaking of audio, I've put up some new ringtones. Even if you don't have any interest in downloading a ringtone, you can hear some new audio there.)
We'll miss you guys!
"Don't play bingo. Legs eleven, my giddy aunt!"
"Who said ants are strong? I can still- I can still- I can still- I can- I can- I--- Bollocks! Squish 'em."
"The zero is the same. It always will be. It never changes. Zero is zero.... One? Huh, he's just a lonely cunt."
Karen's note: Ok, about that first one, Adam tells me that "legs eleven" is how you call out the number eleven in bingo. It frightens me that he knows this. He also tells me that "my giddy aunt" is some sort of expression that means "silly," although it definitely not the sort of thing he would ever use when awake. Anyone want to check on the validity of these?
"Forks. Forks to the left. To the left! No, greasy mugs go there. You really have everything ass-fucked backwards, don't you."
"Why don't you make your mouth useful. Say goodbye."
"You've got to save the curtains! Save the curtains... They hold so many secrets."
"Please bounce on my bed with me. Bounce with me. Because there's nothing more romantic than bouncing..... Boing."
Karen's note: I've never mentioned that Adam also has a funny way of waking up. Adam goes from dead asleep to fully cognizant in a single moment. He's what you might call a morning person. For example, this morning, he was lying there, breathing slowly and deeply, dead to the world. Suddenly, his eyes popped open and he announced, "Ear plugs. We have to get ear plugs for honeymoon. We don't know how loud it will be in the jungle." And this was not something out of a dream, or part of his sleep-talking. This was an entirely relevant, perfectly-formed thought. What a freak.
Oh, hey, we just enabled fan photos on the Facebook page.
Something went wacky with the recorder last night, so I missed out on whatever Adam said. I'm a bit gutted. To make myself feel better, I'll share THIS, for which I've been waiting for a special occasion:
"Don't move a muscle. Bushbabies are everywhere... everywhere... Shoot the fucking big-eyed wanky shite fucks! Kick 'em. Stamp them. Poke 'em in their big eyes! Take that for scaring the crap out of me."
or click hereAnd for those of you who have never seen one, this is a ferocious, terrifying bushbaby:
"She's knitting me a jumper. Fuck! I don't want to be a social outcast. Oh, not good."
"It's a good thing your breath smells of shit. It colors your words beautifully. Gives it an edge."
"I can't get it to work. Nope, it must be broken. There's no point you trying. Don't try. Stop trying… How did you get it to work? Bollocks!"
or click here__________
Karen's note: As cute as it is to imagine Adam in what Americans call a jumper, I feel is it my duty to mention that in the UK "jumper" just means "sweater". Actually, it refers to a variety of different kinds of tops.
“No, I want to swim with the giant gajumba. Hold on to their shell... The ones with the spiky faces, you idiot! They’re fun.”
Karen's note: Anyone who can figure out what a gajumba is gets some home-cooked aubergine lasagna.
Last night, before we went to sleep, Adam was doing his impression of Maggot Mayhem-- rolling up in the duvet and wriggling around-- and he fell out of bed! So, caution folks: don't try this stuff at home.
"Hey, I've got a great idea. You fuck off out of my life forever. Perfect!"
"Doozers. You know the doozers. They're geezers, the doozers... Tossbag!"
"Kisses and cuddles. Thank you. Get used to it."
"Barbie dolls. I've got to use barbie dolls. They're so underrated!"
Karen's note: Wow. Sleep Talkin' Man actually said something sweet.
Adam chattered his head off last night. Not only were there these, there were FIVE MORE that I got to add to the honeymoon store! Maybe I'll feed him aubergine (eggplant) lasagna every night.
Added later: I've had numerous requests for the recipes for eggplant lasagna and roasted eggplant soup, so here they are!
"Bring it on, King Kong. I'll kick your monkey ass right back to the jungle."
"My pony's for sale. Yes, it fucking works! I wanna get a stripey zebra instead."
or click here___________
Karen's note: Speaking of King Kong, check out Adam as the great gorilla and me as the distressed damsel in our re-enanactment of the classic film:
Now, come on, who is the Photoshop Master?!
To explain why I happen to have this around, we did a series of these iconic cinema re-enactments for the table theme at our wedding. I hope no one is scared off by seeing so much Adam.
Added later: In response to lots of requests, the rest of the set are now in an album on the Facebook fan page.
"Thunder snowclouds... Watch out!"
"Tea bags, see? Better be careful with the tea bags. They're delicate creatures. Handle them with care."
Karen's note: Keeping it honest, Adam didn't make a peep last night. I borrowed from our honeymoon stock.
In shameless promotion news, I've added more anti-valentine's cards, mugs, t-shirts and other apparel to the shops. The speech-bubble versions of the t-shirts will be added later today.
"Imagine waking up next to you every day... One chunder-bucket moment after another."
Karen's note: What's a chunder bucket, you non-Brits ask? I had the same question, so I looked it up on UrbanDictionary.com:
"Chunder means to be sick, it originates from old seafareing days when sailers would get seasick and stick their head out of the porthole in their cabin. As they did this they would shout "Watch Under" to warn people in lower cabins of the forthcoming puke."
"Too many legs! Far too many legs. Can't play football. Trip myself up."
"Chicken soup. Get down with that funky stuff. Mmmmmm."
Karen's note: I have to be honest, I was poking at Adam with my feet a bit when he started talking about legs. I've figured out that sometimes I can get him talking by wiggling around.
"Squid wrestling: all tentacles and no substance."
[scratching chest] "Itchies. Itchy itchies. They're crawling everywhere, those itchies. SMACK 'EM!"
or click here__________
Karen's note: I just had to add the audio for this. I love the way he said, "Smack 'em!"
"Fuck me, fuck you. Simple choice, really."
"Everybody wriggle. Everybody wriggle. It's maggot mayhem."
"My ass and my personality are the same thing. Huge and in your face."
Karen's note: "Maggot mayhem" is dedicated to my brother, who cannot bear to hear the word "maggot" under any circumstances. Just think of all that wriggling, Jason!
"Boiled sweets? Too hot for toffee!"
"Pants off! Air the jewels, air the jewels."
"Stupid fucking cunty bollocks..... expialidocious."
or click here__________
Karen's note: I thought I'd give you guys a sense of what the mornings are like around here. So here we have (drumroll....) The Reveal!
or click here
"Purple spot for sale! I need to buy my purple spots. Buy the purple spots, buy them all. No one else have any."
"I made this picture using pasta... Fuck you, it IS artistic!"
Karen's note: I totally had to bury my face in the duvet for that last one.
I feel the need to confess something: I've always felt really strongly that the blog be an exact log of what Adam says, when he says it. Now, for the first time, I am holding some content back from you guys. But it's only because I'm saving it so that we can have a friend keep posting while we are away on honeymoon in a couple of weeks. I hope you all understand.
Added later, based on comments/questions: We're spending the honeymoon volunteering at an elephant orphanage in Southeast Asia, and there is no internet access there. But I WILL be bringing the recorder, so I'll hopefully have a great collection to share when we come back.