Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Dec 30 2011

"No, you're NOT going out like that. Your feathers all ruffled and beak covered in that nasty lipstick, and that excuse for a skirt. You look like one of those street-corner dirty chickens. Go back upstairs and put something decent on. You live under my coop, you behave and you dress like a good chicken! This is hard-boiled love, you know."

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I guess that makes STM a cock.

And to support that theory, here is how he woke Adam up:

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STM: (suddenly slaps Adam in the face)
KAREN: Baby? What was that?
ADAM: I think I was attacked.
KAREN: By what?
ADAM: A rogue hand. It's not even having an attempt to try and hide. It's still there, on my face. I know exactly who did it. This isn't the kind of thing Miss Marple's needed for, this isn't Murder She Wrote, my hand is STILL ON MY FACE. I do have an itch, funny enough, but unfortunately it's not in the place where I've smacked myself in the head, so I need answers. But it's not talking. I don't think I'll ever ever understand why my hand hates my face so much! WHY?! What have I done to you??!


Dec 29 2011

"I'm not just id, ego, superego. I'm id, ego, super-mega-fucking-awesome-ego!"

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Good to hear that STM's sense of self-worth is still healthy and thriving!
"Tick, fucking tock, fucking tick, fucking tock, fucking boing. Fucking alarm clock. Bollocks."
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I think we've all felt this way on one of those early mornings.


Dec 28 2011

"Today is my gift to you. Today, I will not kill you and feed you to my children. Today, I'll let you frolic in the woods, picking daisies. Today, I'll let you count the stars and watch sunsets. Tomorrow, YOU'RE ON A SKEWER. Num num num num num num num num num num num num. Num num num num num. Num num num..."

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"This ginger ninja's gonna stick you with his syringa. Yeah."
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Dec 27 2011

"Well, don't YOU look like the icing on a fuck cake."

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And that lovely compliment was followed by one of Adam's delightful dead-of-night awakenings:

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STM: Gusset FUCK!
ADAM: I said nothing, and we're not discussing it.
KAREN: (sluring sleepily) What was the first part?
ADAM: Goodnight.
KAREN: 'Kay.
ADAM: I didn't say anything.
KAREN: 'Kay.
ADAM: I know I didn't.
KAREN: 'Kay.
ADAM: Don't put words in my mouth. Love you.
KAREN: Uh huv ooo.... I have to peeeeee.
ADAM: I'll get a wee-wee pad on the bed for you.
KAREN: That would be good.
ADAM: Not for me it wouldn't. And not for our marriage, actually.


Dec 26 2011

"Six packs of nails and four ears... What am I going to do with the nails?! The ears I like. Oh yeah. Ears are always handy."

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I guess STM got to open presents last night, too. Lucky him, I wish I'd gotten some new ears!

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KAREN: Do you think what I think, that it's gifts you're getting?
ADAM: I suppose.
KAREN: You must mean nails like (waggles fingers)
ADAM: Not really.
KAREN: Well, no, I was thinking of it as nails as in hardware. But since you're also getting EARS...
ADAM: Don't you need the nails to hammer in the ears, to keep them on?
ADAM: How else would you be attaching the ears. Or are they rubber ears? Why would you have real ears?
KAREN: Well, they're always handy.
ADAM: Fingers. They'll be handy.
KAREN: (giggles)
ADAM: Don't laugh at me.


Dec 23 2011

"Hey, boobs! Stop staring at my face!"

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If any of you guys out there feel that you simply must sport this stamped across your chest, check out the shirt shops later today!


Dec 22 2011

"Graphic novels: They're just comics that grew up, flipped you the bird, and waved a hairy nut-sac in your face."

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I'll never look at Maus the same way again.
"Your pants, my kind of romance."
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Dec 21 2011

"Hey! This is MY playground. These are MY swings. That's MY climbing pyramid. And that's MY springy elephant! THAT'S MY SPRINGY ELEPHANT! You crusty knob-end. Bog off! Leave this playground to the king of playtime! ... Mmmm, they're all mine.... I need a push. (whining pathetically) I can't swing without a push. PUSH ME! Where is everyone? Bastards. (muttering bitterly) This is MY playground."

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STM is his own worst enemy.


Dec 20 2011

"You like chest hair? Oh, I've got chest hair. I'm a fucking walking love rug. Yeah."

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That's true, actually. Adam is, in fact, a walking love rug.
"Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhannukah, suckers! Yeahhhhhh."
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Thanks for reminding me, STM!


Dec 19 2011

"Oh shit. There's a ton of shit coming in, and you're sitting there, doing the same old shit, not giving a shit. Get off your fucking ass, and get on with the shit that's coming in, otherwise we're going to be up to our necks in this shit. Shit. You're such a shit."

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"In conclusion, we can see that you're an ugly cunt stain that needs to be permanently removed from my life. Okay?"
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It's unfortunate that STM kept the full supporting argument to himself. We need evidence!


Dec 16 2011

"Oi! Oi! Stay out of my poop, Magneto. You've been warned."

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And the reveal...

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ADAM: Magneto's from the X-Men. Why am I telling an X-man to stay out of my poop?
KAREN: I don't know. Well, what's his power?
ADAM: He can do all things.
KAREN: He can do all things?
ADAM: He can do everything.
KAREN: Why, is he the bad guy?
ADAM: Yeah.
KAREN: Oh..... Well, what's he gonna do with your poop?
ADAM: The only reason Magneto would want to have anything to do with STM's poop is because STM's poop contains the ultimate super-power, having come from the utimate being. In STM's mind, obviously.
KAREN: I now consider this quote explained.
ADAM: Do you accept my hypothesis, or do you reject it?
KAREN: I accept it.
ADAM: Awesome.


Dec 15 2011

"Lentil hotpot, otherwise knows as... ass custard."

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As all long-time readers know, both STM and Adam detest lentils.
"Hey! Making fun of penguins is the law!"
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Dec 14 2011

"Pith helmet, check. Baby wipes, check. Small box, check. Let's go midget smuggling! YAY!"

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And Adam's thoughtful analysis:

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KAREN: So... Where do the baby wipes fit in?
ADAM: Okay: pith helmet makes sense; small box, yeah I can see why; baby wipes... maybe to keep them clean and fresh for when he delivers them on the other side, no? You know, if he's underground with his pit helment, he doesn't want to get his midgets dirty. He wants to deliver nice clean midgets.
KAREN: Makes sense.
ADAM: I only try to make sense of what goes on in my head.


Dec 13 2011

"You're exactly the type of person I'd throw a cake at. Swiftly followed by a brick. And then an elk."

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"Your head's so shiny. So freakishly shiny. It's too bright! Only go out at night with a head so shiny."
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Dec 12 2011

"This little tampon went out, this little tampon stayed home. This little tampon had an applicator, this little tampon had none. This little tampon's covered in... poop. WRONG HOLE, PEOPLE! Wrong hole."

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Wow. This one definitely deserves a post all to itself.


Dec 9 2011

"It's okay. I'm just gonna use my hands as hats for your boobies."

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Oh, thanks for that.

And here is how Adam woke himself up. Note: In the US, fanny is mild slang for ass. In the UK, fanny is mild slang for vagina.

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STM: Fanny. Fanny fanny... FANNY BATTER!!
KAREN: ... What did you say?
ADAM: Something "batter".
KAREN: Oh, in that case, yeah, I know, that's what I thought.
ADAM: I feel like I ripped out my throat doing that.
KAREN: You said "fanny batter."
ADAM: The UK version of "fanny"?
KAREN: Yeah.
ADAM: Okay. I do apologise. My mouth, but not my words.


Dec 8 2011

"There's so much bread! Gluten everywhere! Oh, the challah, the challah."

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If you've never seen Apocalypse Now, that one's probably lost on you. And for those not in the Jewish know, challah is a scrumptious super-eggy braided bread.
"Two window licks and a rubber brick, please. Yeah, spring cleaning's a chore."
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About this one, there's nothing I can say. Neither Adam nor I have any explanation that will give it more sense.


Dec 7 2011

"There's nothing more depraved than watching muppet porn. Too fuzzy!"

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Adam said that one while I was away in the States for Thanksgiving. It came out the night that my family went out to see the new Muppet movie. It was AMAZING, and I can confirm (spoiler alert) that there was no muppet porn.
"A long long time ago, right up until the minute you were born, everybody was happier."
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Dec 6 2011

"The only way you could be described as having an open mind is if I shove my fist through your fucking face."

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I think we all know someone like that.

And here is how Adam was awakened, being attacked by some lovely bubbles floating by.
"Bubbles of joy... Bubbles of joy... Floating bubbles of joy... AAARRRGGHHH!!"
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STM: Bubbles of joy... Bubbles of joy... Oh, floating bubbles of joy... AAARRRGGHHH!!
KAREN: Do you know— Do you know what happened? I mean... what... happened?
ADAM: I was shouting.
KAREN: No, I mean, you were saying, "bubbles of joy..."
ADAM: Yes?
KAREN: Did the bubble pop or something?
ADAM: Why? Because I shouted?
KAREN: Yeah.
ADAM: Hmmm... I don't know. Anything is possible. Like going back to sleep. That's extremely possible right now.
KAREN: Mmmm-hmm.
ADAM: I love you.
KAREN: I love you.
ADAM: I love sleep more though.
KAREN: Yeah.


Dec 5 2011

"Quick! Everybody lock your doors! Squirrelantula is on the loose again! And this time he means business. GET THE GIANT BROOM!"

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Lord, does that ever call for a cartoon!
"Mmmmm, meringue. Meringue-a-dang-a-ding-dong! Mmmm, yumness...."
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"...chop chop chop chop chop chopop chop chop... Cock-a-doodle wank job!"
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Dec 2 2011

"This is not a castle without badgers. BRING ME MY GYRATING BADGERS!"

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So we're back on the badgers, are we?


Dec 1 2011

"Don't panic! I'm allowed to shit myself. What's your obsession with smelling it? Put me down! Put me down!"

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Perhaps that was STM channeling the sentiments of every baby in the world.
"Put the turkey baster down! You sick puppy."
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