Nov 30

"Why don't you stop looking for answers when your questions have as much weight as a turd floating out to sea."

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"Power to the panda. Black and white ninja bears. Don't give 'em no bamboo back-chat."

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__________

Karen's notes: I'm back in bed with my husband, and we're back on our normal blog schedule. Yay!

Hey, STM is getting philosophical on us. Bonus: if you listen closely around "when your questions," you'll hear Molly's ears flapping.

Merch reminder: Last day for both of those promos in the right-hand panel. I'll give you a hint, though, that they're starting free shipping for orders over $30/£30 tomorrow, so if that's better for you, wait it out.

Nov 29 2010

"Listen: It's about time you grew up, and stopped trying to take over the world."

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"Oooooh! I'm in love. I can hug all day, and still want more. I love me!"

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Karen's notes: I imagine STM is talking to some pathetic little evil scientist who conceives plot after plot to seize power, and fails miserably every time. The poor guy should probably give up and get a job as a telemarketer or something.

And, as always, I'm pleased to see that my husband's sense of self-worth is so healthy.

Nov 28 2010

"I'm gonna make you laugh so hard your holes will leak. Wet pants time!"

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Karen's notes: Anyone else out there cringing right now?

Nov 27 2010

"I like the way you look. The way you walk. Your eyes... But your voice, dear god, your voice!"

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"Next time you come over, I'm definitely gonna throw a party.... After you leave."

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Merch news: Spreadshirt has added another promo for the last few days of November. This one is for 25% off orders of $40 min or more, and it's in the US shop only:



(It took me a minute to figure this one out. You know how the day after Thanksgiving is called Black Friday, because everyone descends on the shops for the big sales? Apparently, the Monday after Thanksgiving is the biggest online shopping day of the year, and has come to be called Cyber Monday.)

The buy-4-get-1-free is still on for 4 more days! But you have to choose one of the promos, can't do both.

Nov 26 2010

"Oh Baby. There's always time to eat pie. Always."

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Karen's notes: This one's from the nest egg. At midnight, as I was standing in front of the fridge eating pumpkin pie straight out of the dish, it struck me as delightfully accurate.

Now, apropos of nothing, here's a little something.

Nov 25 2010

"Don't trust the sweet potatoes. They'll take over the kitchen. You've got to keep an eye on them. Let them out. Don't!"

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Karen's notes: This one came out of the nest egg for Thanksgiving. Sounds frightening! Anyone want to do an illustration?

I wish all you Americans out there a lovely day of tame root vegetables. To everyone else, Happy Thursday.

Nov 24 2010

Remember those days when I was posting only one audio clip every few days (what was I thinking?!)? Well, I've been considering that goldmine of never-before-heard wackiness, and all the bizarre, creepy, hilarious things STM has said that are buried in the archives. Thus is born the WEDNESDAY REWIND!

So, in honor of Thanksgiving:

"You can tell that turkey when it comes back here that it's not welcome. You tell it good."

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"I can't believe you went to pick up a turkey without introducing yourself first. How rude of you. How presumptuous. A turkey has its own mind. Be kind."

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"Put it down! Step away from the yam. Step away!"

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"Butter... nut... squash. I like those words."

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Nov 23 2010

"You don't make any sense. You must be part of the alien menace. Stop with the retarded hand gestures already. Stop!"

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That was from the nest egg. The only thing I found in the recording from last night was this emotional roller coaster of chuckles and whimpers:

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Karen's notes: I'm really impressed by the two people who bought "I'm so cute" baby onesies. Someone even bought two!

And I've added iPad sleeves for the holidays!

Nov 22 2010

"I curse you with my words! Taste the venom in my spittle!"

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"Oh, I hope it fucking pisses down on you. I am the weather man. I AM THE WEATHER MAN!"

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Karen's notes: A UKism, "pisses down" = "rains rather hard"

Merch update: Loads of new stuff in the shops. "Noodle soup" is on aprons; "I'm so cute" is on mugs and babywear, and I salute anyone who has the balls to put their baby in it; "Three steps to happiness" is on absolutely everything.

Don't forget about the order-5-pay-for-4 promo (hard to forget with that huge graphic to the right). If there is a quote in the shop that you want on a different product, email me with your request.

Nov 21 2010

"Where are you? Where aaaaaare yoooouu? Where have you gone? Helllooooooo? Hellooooooo? Where are yooo-oou-uuu? Where aaaaare you? (whimpering) Where ARE you?! (more whimpers) Oh! Theeeere you are. Right: FUCK OFF! Fuck off better next time, that's for sure."

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That was from yesterday. I want you all to imagine me listening to it for the first time, thinking, "Oh, that's so sweet. His first night without me, and he's desperately searching for me." I really should know better by now.

"I'm an aura stalker. I will seek you out. Yes, you will be mine."

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Nov 20 2010

"My bus. My new bus. Mmmm, shiny. Big shiny new bus. I love my bus. Get the FUCK OFF MY BUS! My bus! Shiny and new. Big red shiny bus, mine. Allll mine."

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Karen's notes: Well, public buses in England are red, although one could not generally describe them as shiny.

I touched down on American soil last night. Hello to all my countrymen! Here's how this works while I'm away: Adam has to press the record button before he goes to sleep. In the morning, he transfers the file onto his computer, then sticks it into an online drop folder for me. Then I have to download it and go through the file blindly, having no idea if there's something on there or not. In one sense, I really miss out on hearing STM in person. However, it is a bit of an adventure, opening up that file every day, not knowing what I might find. Another bonus is that he usually records a delightful little love message for me before he goes to sleep.

Alas, this process will have to begin tomorrow, as Adam didn't quite upload the file properly and I'm too impatient to wait to post. STM's Ode to a Shiny Red Bus was recited in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

Added later: I stand corrected. Adam didn't upload improperly, he just stuck it in a place I didn't look for it. And, oh boy, it was a doozy of a night! You'll just have to wait 'til tomorrow.

Nov 19 2010

"Oh, the badgers have returned! And this time they're carrying heat."

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That's "packing heat", Baby. I love how he tries, and so miserably fails, to use a slick Americanism.

Those who have been reading the blog are well aware that the return of the badgers is to be feared! (see Jan 20; Jan 1; Nov 4)

And here's how Adam woke up:


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(transcript below)

__________

Karen's notes: I'm off to the States for a week and a half! So, expect the blog to be posted about 6 hours later than usual. I love you guys, but not enough to wake up at 2 am every day.

STM:	FUCK YOU!
ADAM:	Oh!
KAREN:	Baby?
ADAM:	Morning! Oh dear.
KAREN:	What happened?
ADAM:	Mmm..... No idea.
KAREN:	Well, at least you put some thought into it.
ADAM:	I was trying to see if I could remember any image, if I was dreaming and... nothing. I just remember knowing I shouted something... probably rude.
KAREN:	Oh, you just shouted "Fuck you!"
ADAM:	Well there we go then!

Nov 18 2010

"Your three steps to happiness: Sex, Food, Me."

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"Cock-a-doodle noodle soup, dickhead!"

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Karen's notes: I think STM may be on to something there. And I'm not talking about the noodle soup.

Nov 17 2010

"If you squeeze me, will I pop? I do have the potential to be a messy bastard, and a little bit icky."

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"Of course I'm wearing my thunder pants. It's Thursday. Friday is frilly pants day. Don't forget!"

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Karen's notes: Hey, Americans, keep in mind that in UK-speak, "pants" = underwear (the long ones are "trousers"). That said, I can't wait to see Adam in some frilly pants on Friday.

Oh, also, anyone care to hazard a guess as to what thunder pants are?

Nov 16 2010

"Foofy-woofy, kitten mitts. I'm so cute. Look how fucking cute I am. I'm so fucking cute, mother fucker!"

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Karen's notes: I had saved this from Saturday night. Now, THIS I'd like to see on a baby onesie.

Nov 15 2010

"Every time I look in the mirror, I cry a little for all the ugly people. They must be so dissatisfied with their lives."

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"I'm gonna empty my mind into your face. You've been warned."

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Karen's notes: Wow. The first one is just obnoxious, and the second one, well, what the hell does that mean? Is that the passionate version of "I'm going to give you a piece of my mind"?

Merch news: I'll have "Handle with care" on shirts and baby onesies and "Creme Anglaise" on aprons by this afternoon.

ANOTHER promo from Spreadshirt:



As far as I know, this includes all products. Order 5 things, and the cheapest one will be free! Codes are:

US: 5FOR4US
UK/EU: 5FOR4UK
Canada: CAD5FOR4

Nov 14 2010

"Handle with care: Contains awesomeness."

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"Mmm. Ramen for the heart, and udon for the soul."

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Karen's notes: Well, we did have Wagamama last night, although we both opted for Chicken Katsu Curry rather than noodles. Perhaps he was regretting his choice?

Final reminder: Last day for free shipping! (That said, Spreadshirt is about to begin a buy-4-get-1-free offer, so if you are planning on getting 4 or more, you may want to hold off for that).

Nov 13 2010

"That's right. Crème anglaise, mother fucker."

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Karen's notes: That's the french term for what is called "custard" in the UK, which gets poured over a wide variety of desserts. In the States, I suppose some people would call it "custard", but it shouldn't be confused with frozen soft ice cream. It pretty much tastes exactly like vanilla pudding, with a thinner consistency.

I like the first comment: "Sounds like Adam combined Julia Child and Die Hard." -Kate

And then someone responded: "Or Samuel L. Jackson in 'Cakes on a Plane'."

Nov 12 2010

"You're a complete waste of space. Just go home and apologize to your mother's vagina."

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"I don't need you in my life. Not when I've got chocolate."

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Karen's notes: Oh my.

Late in the day yesterday, I added a note to the post, sharing a bizarre realization that I had. Go check it out.

Nov 11 2010

"We've got nuns on a bike. Mmm-hmm. One nun… two nuns… on a tandem bike. Goodness, Gracious, and me."

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"Take my legs, and give me springs. So I can jump. Jumping's fun! Jump... jump... Uh-oh, low ceiling! Oh! Oh... Can I have smaller springs? Thank you."

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"Ok, we've got red, and orange, and a kind of pinky-purpley. Now go ahead. Dip and lick, dip and lick. Niiiice."

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"You wanna kiss this face soooooo much. I can see it in your eyes. Mmm mm mm mmmmm."

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Karen's notes:

Nuns on a tandem bike - Could someone please please please draw us a cartoon of this!?

Dip and lick - Adam must be talking about something like this:



Remember these? You lick the sugar-stick to get it wet, then dip it in the sugar-powder. Oh, 1980s, a beautiful time free of all this silly talk of nutritious snacks.

Reminder: Only four days left of free shipping on shirts. It ends Sunday.

Added later: Oh, wow! I just realized that, back in March, STM talked about Zebedee and DipDab on the same day. Whoa! (To explain, Zebedee is a cartoon character with a spring instead of legs, and DipDab is just like DoubleDip!) Go check it out,!

Nov 10 2010

"I'm not angry with you. I'm just pissed-off you were classed as a viable embryo."

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"My shrink is a frog. But it lived in my bucket when it was a tadpole. I mean, who's the master now?"

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Karen's notes: I was up with insomnia for HOURS last night and, would you believe, STM didn't come out to keep my company at all! I had to pull these from the nest-egg.

"My shrink is a frog" is actually from yesterday. Isn't that a weird one? I do love the Austin Powers delivery of the last line, though.

Wow, everyone went CRAZY for yesterday's post. But I knew it. I knew from the moment "monogabee" reached my ears that we were onto something big. Some of you requested shirts, so I got them into the shops as fast as I could. Don't forget to enter the coupon code!

ps- I am definitely creating a greeting card for "viable embryo".

Nov 9 2010

"I'm the freakiest shit alive. I got secrets you just won't believe. And I ain't sharing. Oh, no."

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"I wanna be a bumble bee. But not a slutty bumble bee, going around, pollinating every flower it sees. I'm a one flower kind of bee. A monogamous bee. Monogabee! That's meeeee."

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Nov 8 2010

"Listening to you gives me a whole new found appreciation for homicidal rages."

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Again, probably referring to the icky person in our life.

And here we are at the beginning of the night, when I have conked out and Adam gets ME mumbling some silly rubbish in MY sleep, for a change...

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	(sound of snoring)
ADAM:	For the record, this is Karen snoring.
KAREN:	That picture! This picture! This picture here.
ADAM:	It's pitch black, there's no picture.
KAREN:	Oh. This picture.
ADAM:	What picture?
KAREN:	Mmumhmm
ADAM:	There's a picture?
KAREN:	Mmumumhmm
ADAM:	Who's in the picture? Am I in the picture?
KAREN:	Mmm-mmm. Mmumhmm.
ADAM:	Sorry?
KAREN:	Mmumhmm.
ADAM:	I love you too.
KAREN:	Mmumhmm.
ADAM:	I love you.
KAREN:	I lluurvv you...
ADAM:	(giggling) I love you.
KAREN:	I love you.
ADAM:	I love you.

Nov 7 2010

"Only you can screw up a bagel transaction."

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"At the rate I'm going, I'm gonna need another dozen turkey bags. Oi, back in the bag. Back in the bag, damn you!"

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Here we are, trying to make sense of that one:

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(transcript below)

__________

Karen's notes: Hey, check out the new third column! Man, trying to customize these blogger templates is not for the faint hearted.

In particular, after weeks of prodding from Adam, I have added an easy way to get to the archives.

Here's the reveal transcript:

ADAM:	What's a turkey bag? What, is it an American thing?
KAREN:	Some people do cook their Thanksgiving turkey in a special kind of bag in the oven, 'cause it keeps the juices in.
ADAM:	No, we don't have that here.
KAREN:	This sounds like you're talking about live turkeys.
ADAM:	Maybe I'm putting children into turkey bags.
KAREN:	It seems a good idea—
ADAM:	Yeah.
KAREN:	—quieting them down that way, when you're tired of them.
ADAM:	Instead of the naughty chair, get in the turkey bag! This is Parenting 101.

Nov 6 2010

"Oh, I can't wait to see you... so I can give you my list of the reasons why I HATE YOU SO MUCH."

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"You know, you may consider yourself a valued member of society, but I'd still love to throw your fucking smug face under a bus. Yes I would."

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Karen's notes: This is definitely one of those times that STM is expressing the feelings that Adam keeps in check during the day. We have a very difficult, crazy person in our life that we are forced to deal with, and that person has been up to some especially repugnant antics in the past two days.

I do want to mention that it wasn't all nastiness last night. Between these two, Adam said something adorable that I've tucked into the nest-egg.

Nov 5 2010

"BLECH! You can't give me that cottage cheese shit. It's like albino diarrhea."

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Karen's notes: Well, here's something Adam and STM have in common, a profound disgust for cheese curd. And who could blame him? It DOES look like albino diarrhea:


Added later: Best comment - "THANKS for that awful comparison-- I'll never be able to look at albino diarrhea the same way again."

Nov 4 2010

"Me: Awesome concentrated."

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Karen's notes: Nothing last night. I had saved this from yesterday.

Merch news: "Any further complaints" is on shirts, messenger bags, and mugs, and you'll now find a "Now you're older than Jesus" birthday card!

And, NOW is the time to buy presents early, because:



NO MINIMUM ORDER REQUIRED! That's right, just plain old free shipping on whatever you order.

In case you can't read the print in the image, the offer is until November 14, and the coupon codes to enter during checkout are:

for US orders: SHOPEARLYUS
for orders in Canada: CADSHOPEARLY (this is limited to $4.50)
for the UK/EU: SHOPEARLYUK

Yay Spreadshirt!

Nov 3 2010

"You're a cock and a fuck-up. Any further complaints can be directed toward my arse, where I'm sure you'll receive a warm response."

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"Oh, great. Now you're older than Jesus. Your one great achievement in your sad fuck of a life."

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On this next one, you'll hear that I was resorting to some old tricks to try and get Adam to talk. Listen for our dialogue of grunts:

"Toot tooooot! Time for a love connection! Toot toooooot!"

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"Dude. It did it again. Your dog talked. Seriously, it said 'woof'. Not doggie woof, but a real people kind of woof. Fuuuuck."

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Karen's notes: Adam had to remind me that Jesus lived to be in his early-30s. I was being moronic, thinking he was talking to someone over 2,000 years old.

So, next time you have a friend celebrate their 30-somethingth birthday, you can turn to STM for the perfect sentiment, 'cause I am DEFINITELY creating a greeting card for that one!

Added later: Lots of people have asked for the first quote on a shirt, bt I can't decide what version to do. Hey, look! There's a poll to the left. Go vote!

Nov 2 2010

"Baby hats. I need some baby hats. Have you got any baby hats? Oh shit. I really need some baby hats. (whimpering) Oh. Ooh. Bollocks."

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"Dinner AND sex? Oh! I can't multi-task. Too much pressure."

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Karen's notes: I love that tiny, pathetic little "bollocks".

As for the second one, I should mention that Adam loves to cook, he makes me dinner nearly every night. And, you know, we sometimes have sex. But I want to make clear that I do not coerce him to engage in these activities at the same time. That WOULD be some impressive multi-tasking!

HALLOWEEN CHALLENGE WINNERS

First place goes to: MARISA



"So, my 13 year old decided at the last minute that dressing as a penguin would do irreparable harm to his social standing. He chose soldier instead. Having already spent a bit of time altering a thrift store orca costume, I stuffed myself into the costume designed for a 90 lb kid. My granddaughters may never look at me the same way again..."


And the runner up is: JOELLE




And an honorable mention for her awesome karate kid pose goes to: ANITA




Thanks everyone!

Nov 1 2010

"(sing-song) The itsy-bitsy spider, craaaawling.... SMACK IT WITH A NEWSPAPER, get on with your life!"

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"You get so much respect for giving blood. Come here, I'll make you bleed."

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Karen's notes: Hey! I resent that first one! (see yesterday's post)