Aug 31 2010

"Hmm, nice try you soiled douchebag. You have to do a lot harder to be as awesome as me. Run along, run along. Next! I love being a judge on Nobody's Got Talent But Me."

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"Reach for the stars! You're gonna have to, no one on this planet wants anything to do with you."

Sorry guys, recorder meltdown, didn't get this one on audio.

Aug 30 2010

"I understand, but things have changed now. Ever since the Chocolate Bonanza."

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Aug 29 2010

"No! I don't have a speech impediment, I'm English. English! Oh, for fuck's sake, okay. I know I talk funny. Everyone laugh. Ha ha ha ha...."

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"There was so much blood! Oh, there must have been at least five llamas. Totally unprovoked attack by those puffins. I managed to clip their wings. This is llama turf."

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Karen's notes: We're spending the weekend with close friends from the States, so Adam is surrounded by Americans. Perhaps that explains the first one? Although we haven't ridiculed him for his silly accent yet.

Aug 28 2010

KAREN: Mmmmmmmmm.
ADAM: I simply don't understand you. I suspect you're part of the mmummmummm.

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If anyone can make better sense of that than I did, please give it a go.

"You're so vain, you probably think even the mannequins are checking you out. Idiot."

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"Just put the oil on the noodles, and rub it on your chest. Now don't use the thin noodles. They'll make you look fat."

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"Mama, don't bite the plates. No no no no no no no. Lick them and put them back."

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Adam wants you to know that he has never used the word "Mama" either to address his mother, or to reference a hot chick.

__________

Karen's notes: Ok, who out there couldn't help singing to themselves:
♫ ♪ You probably think this dream is about you, don't you, don't you... ♪ ♫

Merch update: "Let's go be happy in front of some miserable people" is now in the shops.

Aug 27 2010

"I'm gonna wear this just to annoy you. Oh! Look, it's working. (evil chuckle)"

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"Come on. Let's all go be happy in front of some miserable people."

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"I just can't get down with mole hills. They scare me. I try to avoid them at all costs."

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Every weekend, we go for a long walk in Richmond Park, where we encounter scores of mole hills. I believe I have mentioned before that Adam is quite accident prone, so he tends to have an especially acrimonious relationship with these mole hills.

Here is the silly little conversation we had upon waking:

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KAREN:	Wait, what did you just say?... (thinking through the fog of sleep)... Mole hills, that's what you said.
ADAM:	What did I say?
KAREN:	You talked about mole hills and how disgusting they are.
ADAM:	Mole hell?
KAREN:	Mole hills!
ADAM:	Oh, mole hills... I wonder what mole hell would be like. Lots of light.
BOTH:	(chuckle at Adam's unerring cleverness)

__________

Added later: After loads of requests, I'm adding "Let's all go be happy..." to the shops this very moment!

Aug 26 2010

"Pay homage to toast. Prostrate yourself in front of it: hot, crunchy bread slice thingy. We shall celebrate with tea! Iguana tea."

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There is an explanation for how this one ends. On July 8 STM was asked to remove his iguana from afternoon tea. Ever since, one of our readers, Stony13, has been campaigning daily— quite eloquently, I must say&mdash for tea rights for iguanas everywhere. As soon as Adam said, "We shall celebrate with tea," I thought to myself, "Oh, Stony's gonna have a field day today!" The fact that Adam then made the same leap just shows how successful Stony13 has been in bringing Iguana tea rights into public consciousness.

"I'm sorry Baby, that's gravity. I can't help it that I'm physically attracted to you."

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Some time after that, I got up to go pee. As I slipped out of the bed, I heard:

"You think you can get away from me that easy? You'll be back. You'll always come back."

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"Oh. Do I have feelings for you? Hmmm. Let me give you the short and accurate answer: No. That's all really."

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Perhaps this is how STM responds to abandonment?

__________

Reminder: Last day on the sleeveless shirt special!

Aug 25 2010

"What do you think you're doing? Totally inappropriate behaviour. Now sit down, put the electric sander away and concentrate on your art project, please... Monkeys!"

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Karen's notes: This came from the nest-egg. It would appear that Adam has left his job teaching water fowl, and is now sharing his wisdom with young primates.

Merch news: Wow, you guys really liked "zen-like state" yesterday! I rushed it into the shops. Shirts and mugs!

Aug 24 2010

"Before you begin, I'd just like to make it clear that I don't have the energy for a fake conversation."

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"I'm in a totally zen-like state… Can't you tell how fucking zen I am?!"

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"Shoot the wig! Shoot it! Don't let it get up again. Oh, that's the third rabid toupee we've had this week. Something wrong. Very wrong."

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Aug 23 2010

"That's a bird. That's a bird. That's also a bird. Another bird. Bird. Bird. Fish! That's a fish, I can see a fish! Bird. Dog. A bird. God, this game's boring. A bird. There's a fish, woohooooo! Fuck this, I'm going home."

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Karen's notes: Nothing last night. This one was from the nest-egg. I have to say, as a crazy animal lover, this game sounds right up my alley.

Merch reminder: Only three more days to get all sleeveless shirts for 25% off! Details in left panel under "News".

Aug 22 2010

"Between die-you-cancer-upon-my-life and I-couldn't-really-give-a-crap-about-you lies your life story."

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__________

Karen's notes: We're pretty confident that this is one of those times STM is referencing Adam's real life. I'll say no more.

Aug 21 2010

"Show tunes out of context, they render my stomach useless. I've warned you. I have warned you."

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"I've got muscles. They're just sleeping. Don't wake them. Let them sleep."

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"You have entered a no-bullshit zone. Leave it outside. It doesn't work with me."

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"Darling, with an ass as big as yours, innocent bystanders could get hurt!"

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And finally, his awakening (transcript in notes):

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__________

Karen's notes: Poor Adam. I was organizing my iTunes the other day, and I kept playing a particular song from a particular musical over and over, trying to decide which version to keep. Adam is one of those rare men who likes musicals— and he likes this particular musical— but I think he was ready to stick his head in the oven.

And here's the transcript for those who don't get the audio:

STM:	BUNCH OF ARSE
ADAM:	Oooh?
KAREN:	(sleepy stretching sound)
ADAM:	Oh, you were asleep. I'm so sorry I woke you!
KAREN:	No, I wasn't asleep.
ADAM:	I woke you.
KAREN:	You didn't.
ADAM:	Didn't I?
KAREN:	I was just lying here quietly.
ADAM:	Quietly fucking snoring... I'm sorry.
KAREN:	Was not! How would you know, you were sleeping.
ADAM:	I'm joking.
KAREN:	Do you know what you yelled?
ADAM:	Um... It finished with arse. So, I'll give you three options.
KAREN:	Mm-hmm?
ADAM:	Big arse... Fat arse... or... You're an arse.
KAREN:	Nope. You yelled: Bunch. Of. Ass. Bunch of ass.
ADAM:	Pretty image. I have no reason why. I like your bunch of arse, though. Pretty.
KAREN:	Thank you.

Aug 20 2010

"I am gonna grow my hair long, real long, and wear it like a hat MADE of hair. You know, twirly. Mr Whippy-head."

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"Scales. Must have scales. And razor claws. I want some feathers. And a goggly thing on its head. Yeahhh. Dinochicken. Awesome! I feel like a god. All right, what's next? Guineapigasaurus. Bring it on!"

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Karen's notes: Mr. Whippy = Mr. Softee. For those who are still lost, soft ice-cream out of a big white van. But listen to this insanity— and this is one of my major complaints about England— Mr Whippy only comes in vanilla! Not once has some entrepreneur said, "Hey, you know what would be good? Chocolate soft ice cream. And maybe we can even find a way for people to get them mixed!" If you want chocolate, all you get is this silly little chocolate stick called Flake sticking out of your ice cream. And, despite the fact that I love the recent Flake advert, it is pretty shitty chocolate.

All I am allowed to say about the second one is that it is related to something at Adam's work.

Added later: Although I think flake is totally whack, all other Cadbury chocolate is delicious.

Aug 19 2010

"It's time to don our cow masks and scare the salad out of her. I love Veggieween."

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come to me my penguin brothers
  and penguin sisters
and dance your dark winter dance
  and flap
    and flap
those fin-like wings

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"I've waited my whole life to meet somebody like you. Now fuck off and let me get on with my life. You're a disappointment. Always a disappointment."

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__________

Karen's notes: I love how STM gets all poetic and then, 30 seconds later, remembers himself.

This morning, Adam spent quite a while brainstorming the antics that transpire on Veggieween. I was so sorry that I had turned the recorder off. I'll do my best to recreate some here:

"Veggieween! When the meat eaters get dressed up in animal costumes to torment vegetarians. It's a celebration of all that is good about eating meat. You go knocking door to door, with an enormous skewer, and people slide pieces of meat onto your stick. Then, everyone gets together in the park for a huge barbeque. Any vegetarian households, you tar and fur the house, and you— no, you can't throw blood at people's places, that's just too much— …fat! Yes, you drizzle fat all over their doorstep."

I just want to say here that Adam totally respects vegetarianism and loves animals (even though he sometimes eats them).

Aug 18 2010

"My butt cheeks are for squeezing. Go on, take a handful. Take two."

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(whispering) "Shhhh. I have to tell you this. But I have to be quiet, or I'll get in trouble. (normal tone now) Midgets. You know, small people. People of pathetic height, I think that's what they're called. Yeah. Diminutive folk... in drag, scare the shit out of me. But only in drag. Don't know why. Must be something from my childhood. Mmm-Hmm. Scary shit though."

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__________

Karen's notes: These are from the nest egg. Too bad the recorder didn't catch Adam whispering his opening disclaimer.

Merch news: After much clamoring yesterday, I put "All I want out of life is ice cream and cuddles" in the shops. Shirts and mugs! While I was at it, I also added "Shark cuddling: The next extreme sport".

There's a special on for the rest of August! All tank tops and muscle Ts are 25% off. Use coupon code NOSLEEVES at checkout (except Canadians, use CADNOSLEEVES).

Aug 17 2010

"Don't! I've warned you before, and I won't say it again. Never come between a man and his nipple electronicafier."

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"All I want out of life is ice cream and cuddles. Is it too much to ask? Is it?"

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Karen's notes: If anyone has a better idea of what Adam is saying at the end of that first one, please, let me know.

As for the second one-- oh, isn't he adorable?!

Aug 16 2010

"Kiss you? I'd rather lick my granny's genital sores. GURGH!"

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Karen's notes: This is one I saved from Saturday night. Adam and I had an extensive debate on how to spell that final expression of disgust.

I love Google Ads, with its key-word wonderfulness. I'm getting ones for herpes treatments.

Aug 15 2010

First of all, I found this bizarre noise. Having ruled out me or Molly, we determined that this can only be either Adam or an EVP of something from the spirit world:

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Creepy.

Before this next one, I wish to send a personal message out to Lauren, our vegan friend. Lauren, Adam loves you, and he totally respects your lifestyle choice.

"Flowers for the lovers, schnapps for the thinkers, death to the vegetarians… I don't care if you eat fish, you give yourself that stupid name, you deserve all you get."

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And the reveal:

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KAREN:	You said, "Flowers for the lovers-"
ADAM:	That's nice.
KAREN:	No, shut up and listen.
ADAM:	Oh sorry.
KAREN:	"Flowers for the lovers, schnapps for the thinkers, death to the vegetarians!"
ADAM:	Mmm. So the vegetarians are getting it again.
KAREN:	Poor vegetarians.
ADAM:	I've had enough of degrading animals, I'm now back on the veggies... Now, what was it for the thinkers?
KAREN:	"Schnapps."
ADAM:	Schn- schn-... Schnapps!
KAREN:	... Is that how you guys say it?
ADAM:	How do you say it?
KAREN:	"Schnapps."
ADAM:	"Schnapps." You sound so posh.
KAREN:	I'm sorry, it's German!
ADAM:	Schna- Well we're English.
KAREN:	"Schnaaaaaapps." What's funny is you say it with an American pronunciation and we say it with an English pronunciation. Since when do you guys say "schnaaa-aaaa" for anything?
ADAM:	I'm probably pronouncing it wrong, but I pronounce it "schnapps." Schnahhhpps. Ha! Sounds funny. Schnahhhhps. Ahhhhhhh. Schnahhpps (giggles) It tickles me.

Aug 14 2010

If you listen closely to the beginning of this one, you'll hear that Molly is scratching on our bedroom door to come in.

"If that shark thinks it's coming to bed for a cuddle, it's got another thing coming. God, it's all me me me with that fucker."

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"I will not play horsey. I can't play horsey anymore. Neigh! No! Bollocks. No more!"

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That one can probably be explained with a reminder that we are at the tail-end of a 10-day visit from the kids. Then, apropos of nothing:

"Dohhhhh, bollocks! The graffiti monkey struck again. Damn him."

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And then the wake up:

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STM:	SQUID SHIT!
ADAM:	Fuck... I hate waking up like that.
KAREN:	(laughs)... I wasn't touching you or anything.
ADAM:	Why not. Why weren't you touching me?
KAREN:	Come here, I'll pet you... Did you actually see squid shit?
ADAM:	What shit?
KAREN:	What shit?
ADAM:	I woke up saying "fuck off."
KAREN:	No.
ADAM:	Oh? I didn't?
KAREN:	I heard "squid shit."
ADAM:	That doesn't sound anything like "fuck off."
KAREN:	No.
ADAM:	What does squid shit sound like?
KAREN:	SQUID SHIT!
ADAM:	You heard that?
KAREN:	Yeah.
ADAM:	I bet it's inky.

And finally, there is this roundabout conversation that is simply too long for me to transcribe:

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Aug 13 2010

"When you smile, do you think of Banana Man? When I think of bananas, they make me think of bananas."

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"I can't believe you went to pick up a turkey without introducing yourself first. How rude of you. How presumptuous. A turkey has its own mind. Be kind."

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"The little people are taking over! Better break out that secret stash of rainbow pencils. That'll keep them busy for a while. Eeky."

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__________

Karen's notes: It turns out that Banana Man was an English cartoon superhero during Adam's impressionable years. Here he is:



Check out those awesome boots!

As for the little people, Adam's kids are with us for 10 days now, and we had their two cousins here yesterday as well. The flat certainly LOOKS like it was taken over by some sort of gang.

Aug 12 2010

"(I've been coughing) Water, and bleu cheese. Always helps. (I cough some more) Oh, you've had too much bleu cheese there. You're fucked."

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"Cherry spats and chocolate chaps. It's a party!"

Sorry guys, audio didn't come out on this one.

"If you want me to be honest, then I have to say, your arse makes those jeans look small... Well, you did ask."

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__________

Karen's notes: And listen to what I found in the audio file: My very first effort! Ok, I know it's lacking in panache, but I'm just a beginner, after all.

"Oh, hi."

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Aug 11 2010

"Stop doing that. Stop EXISTING. Just stop."

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"Dead kitty fishing, numpty. And that's how I catch those dead kitties. Mmm-hmm. I like 'em."

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"Ha ha ha. Who crying now? No, not you, you've got no tear ducts, you tearless freak!"

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__________

Karen's notes: Here's what you guys missed from Saturday and Sunday's failed posts.

By the way, Adam had to tell me that "numpty" is an insult, approximately equal to "moron". Americans, do we have this term?

Aug 10 2010

Sorry for our mysterious absence, everyone! Allow me to explain:

We went on holiday for three days, and I went to all this trouble to pre-schedule fabulous posts from the nest-egg. But, I screwed something up with Saturday and Sunday's posts, which is why you were all left hanging for two days, and why Monday's post didn't acknowledge the lapse. But now we're back!

We took Adam's kids for three days glamping on a goat farm. Of the three nights, Adam only talked one of them, but those few mutterings were clearly inspired by reality.

First there was this one:

"We've got some serious stealth chickens on our hands. They lay so quietly. They're stupid and sneaky, with their scratching and pecking and... bagawking."

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There were two particular chickens who liked to spend their days rooting around in the dirt outside our cabin. One of them would even hop inside for a visit every day. Here's our special chicken:

Outside our cabin was a hill. Sitting atop that hill was a plastic tractor. That sturdy little tractor spent its entire day, every day, being pushed up then ridden down the hill by children. That probably accounts for this gem:

"This is MY tractor, and if I wanna roll it down the hill, I bloody will. Back off. I'm going down. Weeee! Heh heh heh."

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And here's Adam, taking his turn on the tractor. Note that it went a bit better for STM than it did for Adam:

And, apropos of nothing, here is me snuggling with a few of the farm's 900 goats:

I promise that, on some day when you least expect it, I will post all of the quotes that were supposed to appear over the weekend!

Aug 9 2010

"I wonder what happens on a pirate's birthday. Does he get to choose who walks the plank? Hip-hip ARRGGHHH! Hip-hip ARRGGHH! Pirates are funny."

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Ah ha! The pirates are back! Who could possibly forget this absolute classic from January 14:

"Butt cheeks ahoy! There she blows! You know, you can't be a pirate if you haven't got a beard. I said so. MY boat, MY rules."

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Aug 6 2010

"It's all lumpy. Hmm. Lumpy. Let's make it smooth. Lumpy lumpy lumpy lumpy lumpy lumpy lump— Bugger! Bollocks and dammit! We're gonna have it lumpy. I can't be arsed."

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Hey Americans, "can't be arsed" = "can't be bothered"

"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make turd biscuits. It's like a shit sandwich, but for kids."

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"Although I like cherry and lemon and meringue and key-lime— mmmm, yes— and pecan, generally I'm not a big pie person."

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And a couple of minutes later,

"Why can't I have birthday pie instead of birthday cake? I want birthday pie. Much nicer. A big fuck-off pie."

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And the reveal!

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KAREN:	You said, "You know what I'm gonna do?" (laugh) Okay: "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to make a turd biscuit. It's like a shit sandwich, but for kids."
ADAM:	Is that— a shit sandwich being a bad thing sandwiched between two nice things?
KAREN:	Like how you're supposed to tell people who work for you that they have to improve something?
ADAM:	Yeah. When you tell your kid they have to do better.
KAREN:	Except that, if you think about it, cookies— biscuits— it's all mixed together as one thing.
ADAM:	(confused muttering that I can't possibly transcribe, then...) Oh yeah.
KAREN:	So I wonder how that changes how you tell your children.
ADAM:	Oh, they can't digest it, it all gets mixed up with them anyway. Unless you make it into a turd biscuit sandwich.
KAREN:	Like a turd oreo.
ADAM:	Yeah. New flavor!

Aug 5 2010

"You know what's missing from your pictures? Artistic fucking talent. Now get a proper job, you loser."

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Ah, STM turned art critic! Of course, as we know, this isn't the first time STM has shown his artistic acumen. Remember this, from February 1?

"I made this picture using pasta... Fuck you, it IS artistic!"

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Aug 4 2010

"Let me get this straight: All woodland creatures with human characteristics and/or magical powers will be rounded up to a place of no apparent interest and burnt. Hmm. You scare me."

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__________

Karen's notes: Adam was distressed that this seems to have been someone else's idea, rather than his own. Is STM losing his edge?

Merch news: I just had to have a Princess Birdfish Monkeyface shirt for myself, so I put it in the shops. For girls and babies, too! I'll get mugs up later today as well.

Aug 3 2010

"Sounds like you need an escape goat. With ropes on its horns and a headlight. And no fear of tunnels."

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Hahaha, escape goat, get it?

"That's the most stunning thing in the world. No really. Well fuck you, fuck-turd! Princess Birdfish Monkeyface is beautiful. Just beautiful."

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"I speak shit? You must be listening through your ears. Arsehole."

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Adam didn't want me to include this one, he thought it was lame. But I think it's hilarious that he goes for this joke-- presumably about someone's brain being shit, or listening through their ass-- and utterly fails. I mean, how else would you be listening?

"I thought about quitting. I also thought about driving my fist through your skull. Not sure which I'll do first."

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Tony, Vince, that's just STM talking. Adam loves his job and has never expressed an urge to either quit or to beat either of you up.

"This is my story. It starts with me. And it ends with me. And everything in the middle is about me. Greatest fucking story ever written."

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Aug 2 2010

"I need it soft. I'm talkin' marshmallow kind of soft. Lay me down and let me just sink in. That's what I'm talkin' about."

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"It's quite simple, really. You pitch yourself next to me, and I quite literally feel my shit being violated. Don't get upset about it. Just don't come near me."

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__________

Karen's notes: It seems that STM still has camping on the brain. We did indeed struggle with the hardness of the ground this weekend, especially the first night, when we pitched our tent in the woods. Adam was feeling pretty excited to get back to our nice soft bed. And, of course, it's probably no coincidence that marshmallows entered into the metaphor.

For those who don't know, "pitch" means "set up camp". We were lucky enough to find a lovely little spot in the field away from everyone else. However, Molly is such an adorable little doggie, we were constantly surrounded by children looking for a snuggle.

Aug 1 2010

"Great mountains of cheese. We must climb. And eat. And make sandwiches... All the way to the top."

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"Wow. I've got a sack full of goo. And it's all yours, mmm-hmm."

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