"Life is precious. I'm not going to just sit here listening to your pathetic fucking dribble."
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)
"May I present Mr. and Mrs. Spoon... Fuck you, tossbag. Never liked them. Never will."
"I've never seen a baby pigeon. It doesn't make sense"
Karen's note: Ah hah! We finally see evidence that Adam-- waking Adam, that is-- is starting to exercise some influence over Sleep Talkin' Man. Adam has made this point about pigeons to me in the past. It is somehow connected to his theory that pigeons are actually evil beings.
In STM news, I've just put up some ringtones! Find them here
Well, Adam remained in the depths of silent slumber until the alarm this morning.
But, if you take a look at the post below, I've added a special treat!
AND, I've put some new quotes up in the t-shirt shop, including my new personal favorite, "Superstar Donkey Jockey". By the way, notice the handy right-hand navigation in the shop. It's so easy to find what you're looking for!
"They're not smile lines, they're stretch marks. Cock sucker."
"My donkey. That's MY donkey. Get off my donkey! You know, you're not some superstar donkey jockey. Piss off."
or click here
"Yes, I can get away with wearing leather chaps. Just not on a windy day."
"Baby poo. Baby food. Just warm it up. Throw it on the floor. You don't need the baby... Stupid. Shite. Poo."
"Babies don't bounce. They don't bounce! Shame. It'd be much more fun if they bounce."
"I think you should sit down. Surely your ankles can't take the weight."
"Come back. Come back. Come baaaaack."
"Tick tock tick tock... Everybody's waiting. It's time for me to shine."
Karen's note: That last one, I was doing a kakuro puzzle on the computer next to Adam, so lots of mouse clicking.
We had just gotten the wonderful news last night that a good friend is pregnant, so perhaps that explains the baby theme? I don't know how she'd feel about him wanting to use her impending child as a basketball, though....
"I'm here! I know, I brighten the room. Everything's better."
"No dog, no play. It's as simple as that."
"Yeah, falling in love is WONDERFUL. Especially when it's with me."
"Everyday you reinvent yourself into a bigger cock-shite than ever. It's incredible. I don't know how you do it. I admire you."
"Horray for me! Yup, I said it. Now the rest of you can join in."
Karen's note: Wow, I guess all the positive attention is really getting to Adam's subconscious!
Lucky us! Adam just fell asleep on the sofa....
"Pleased to meet you? Huh, gotta be a fucking joke."
"I like the balloons. I want one. If I don't get one, I'm gonna squeeze one out right here, right now.... I warned you!"
"I want to dance in the rain but without the getting wet bit. Rain! Rain...."
Adam slept like a log (a silent log) until the plumber woke us up.
But I do have a special treat today: audio! Take a look at the left panel. It's not very graceful implementation, and I'm still working out the kinks, so I apologize if it acts up for anyone.
If you want to watch us on TV, check out the "STM in the Media" section in the left panel.
We also just added "Our Favorite Things Online." This is not a place for exchanging links, it is a brief list of our actual favorite things online.
"You know, with you you you, it's all me me me. Well fuck fuck fuck fuck you you you."
"Yeah I do. I have SO much to give. Choke on it!"
"Deedoo. It's a deedoo. A deedoo...Oh, it's not a deedoo. I have no idea what it is."
[chuckling throughout] "I'm trying not to laugh. But your face! Your face! Oh, please look away. Please?"
"Snail fiddling is not an occupation I'd be proud of. You dirty fucker."
"The stain, the stain. How am I going to explain that fucking stain?... Oh bollocks."
"I do like your eyes. Mmmm-hmmm. Shoved up your fucking ass so I can see the shit you create. Bye-bye!"
Karen's note: We are not sure whether the stain is related to the snail-fiddling. We do have two water snails, by the way. Wanda and Maggot.
Yup, we're on for The Today Show, Friday, around 8:00. And they'll have audio!
"My badger's gonna unleash hell on your ass. Badgertastic!"
"No, not the cats. Don't trust them. Their eyes. Their eyes. They know too much."
"Just look at yourself. Yeah, now look at me. You don't stand a chance. It must suck to be you, I'm sure."
Karen's note: Yeah, I know, "Badgertastic" will have to go on a t-shirt. And no, I cannot explain the recurrence of badgers in Adams sleep-talk. Adam claims he has only seen a badger once in his life,, although we watch LOADS of nature shows.
So sorry guys. Nothing last night.
By the way, if you've sent us an email telling us how you feel about the blog and I didn't answer, it's just because we are so overwhelmed. Please know that we read every email together, and they make us really happy.
Here is a clip of This Morning. It was such fun!
For those not in the UK, here's a 3 minutes clip on youTube:
Also, we just found these great tributes:
"Cake. Mmmmm. I want one more piece. Just One. More. Fucking. Piece."
"Look at me. Yes, you heard me, look at me. Don't stop."
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
"Jump. You can jump with goats. Boy does he jump high. They jump really high."
[I'm fumbling around with the recorder on the bedside table] "Too many sratchy sounds, scratchy sounds. Yes, YOU know."
"I am awe-some. Deal with it fucker!"
Karen's note: We had such a great time on This Morning this morning. I hope seeing and hearing waking-Adam didn't ruin the mystery for anyone!
"Monkey power! Straight from the jungle."
[our very little dog, Molly, is head-butting Adam to get under the covers] Don't push. Stop pushing... [by now Molly has already wandered away] Back the fuck off!"
Karen's note: Yes, Adam was definitely still asleep for all of that.
"Can you hold... can you hold my starfish? It doesn't like it when I'm getting excited. Oh look, it likes you! Its legs are all cree-py cree-py."
"Hey, don't... don't say anything. Why don't you put it in an email, then I can ignore it at my pleasure."
"I feel all rolley polley rolley polley. rolley pony PONY.... Splat!"
Karen's note: Another huge thank you to everyone for the wonderful support. You guys can't imagine how much pleasure we get reading all of your lovely comments.
The media attention has been an incredible shock, we're still reeling. Lots of gratitude to Mark Cooper at Van Communications for being so generous with his advice on how to negotiate it all.
"If I wanted to see a long nose and a big ass, I'd look at a horse."
"Butt cheeks ahoy! There she blows!"
"You can't be a pirate if you haven't got a beard. I said so. MY boat, MY rules."
"We haven't got a plank. Just fucking jump."
"Yes I'm sad, but if you stood further away, I'd be happier. No, further away. Well, let's face it, just fucking CUNT OFF! Thank you, I appreciate it."
"Don't jump on me!"
Karen's note: I dedicate the apparent pirate theme of last night's ramblings to our good friend Nikesh Shukla-- songwriter, author, and pirate enthusiast.
AND, we were just on BBC London Radio! Skip ahead to 1:33:00.
Sorry, guys, but Adam had one of his quiet nights. To be honest, I desperately needed it, after all the craziness of the last few days. But I still woke up a little disappointed.
The poll on the blog told us that you guys were exactly evenly divided between people who like the current t-shirt designs, and those that would prefer just the quote on the front and the logo on the back. So, we added another version for each quote. We'll also be adding more quotes over the next days, so keep an eye out, and feel free to make requests!
Go to our t-shirt shop
"I'm baking pillows. Burn them slowly, keeps them fluffy! Mmmmmm, pillows."
"Potato bags. I can't find my potato bags. I need them! [desperately] Who's got my potato bags? Oh, fuck it! I'll have to use something else."
"Dogs' scrotums. They stretch."
"Pork chops are most satisfying. Mmmmmmm. Dangle them from the ceiling."
Karen's note: After we listened to the recording, Adam turned to me and said, "I've never had pork chops."
Now that the t-shirts have seen the light of day, we want to make sure we are offering something people would be proud to wear. If you'd like, please visit the shop, then check out the poll on the left and let us know what you think.
Thanks everyone for the continued support.
Here they are, guys! We hope you find something to suit your fancy there.
Make sure you notice that you can change the colors. There are shirts for people of the male AND female persuasion, and messenger bags for those looking for something a bit different. And they do ship worldwide, so everyone's included!
Go directly there at sleeptalkinman.spreadshirt.com
"Your mum's at the door again. Bury me. Bury me deep."
"Yeah, keep looking. It doesn't get any better than this."
"Shhhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhhh. I'm telling you: your voice, my ears. A bad combination."
"You're pretty. pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty.... [long pause] Now fuck off and be pretty somewhere else. I'm bored."
[hand tangled in my hair, massaging my scalp] "I'm stuck. I'm stuck. Your pubes! You got to shave."
"Butter... nut... squash. I like those words."
Karen's note: Adam really brightened up my insomnia at 5 am. And I even got that little head massage!
The t-shirts are definitely going live today, so keep an eye on the left-hand column, guys.
I'm sorry to report, guys, that Adam didn't make a peep last night.
But, we're still glad you visited today, because we're looking for some input regarding t-shirts. We're going to launch the line this week, and we have to pick the shirts themselves.
Would people prefer shirts that cost $17.50, with 6 color choices (black, brown, royal blue, dark blue, red, bright green), or shirts for $22.50, with 10 color choices (those others, plus aubergine, orange, slate gray, olive)?
Oh, and shipping worldwide will be available, so don't despiar, Brits!
We'll keep an eye out for your comments. Thanks in advance!
"Oompa loompas don't sing in heaven. They tidy up the clouds."
"Legs time! Everybody get your legs!"
"Get stuck in."
"Please just walk away. I don't want to have to stand here and say something so awesome that I'll have to remember it the rest of the day. Thank you!"
"You can stop clapping now if you want. Really. You'll need your energy for cheering me later. Shhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhh."
[yelled upon waking] "COCK HUNTER!"
Karen's note: This was all early in the morning. The batteries had run out on the recorder, so it was like the old days, I was furiously typing, trying to keep up. I'm pretty sure that's the "clapping" that Adam was referring to. So, meanwhile, I'm still typing my brains out, and he's going "Shhhhhhhh. shhhhhhh."
Also, just after he shouted "COCK HUNTER" and woke up, he looked at me with fear in his eyes and said, "um, did I just shout cock hunter?" It's been worrying him ever since.
"Flap's on fire. Your flap's on fire! Chili in the vagiiiiina. I'm a bad bad boy."
"Don't... Don't put the noodles and the dumplings together in the boat. They'll fight! The noodles are bullies. Poor dumplings."
or click here
Karen's note: you guys have to image "chilli in the vagina" in a child's sing-song cadence. Creeeeepy
It has been a crazy 24 hours since we went viral. Thanks to everyone for your amazing comments and support. We are working really hard to get the t-shirts ready in the next few of days.
"Let me hold you in my arms. Feel me squeeze the living fucking breath out of your bastard body. Bliss. Lovely."
"Skipping to work makes everything better."
"I haven't put on weight. Your eyes are fat."
"I'd rather peel off my skin and bathe my weeping raw flesh in a bath of vinegar than spend any time with you. But that's just my opinion. Don't take it personally."
"Elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only. Nothing else."
"Lentils are evil. Pure fucking oozing evil. Take them away from me."
"My vision of hell is a lentil casserole."
"By the way, washing in rose water doesn't stop you smelling like a piece of shit."
"Avocados? You can shove them up your ass as well."
"Be happy happy happy happy."
"Now fuck off and let me bask in the glory of being me."
Karen's note: Wow. This was a goldmine of a night. Eleven entries, a new record!