Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts.
Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam.
Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)


Dec 31 2010

"Oh, thank you for inviting me to dinner. I would rather drink the contents of a week-old enema. Maybe we'll have coffee."

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Ok, that bit of charm was from the nest-egg, as there was no actual sleep-talking last night. But, this was how Adam woke up this morning:

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ADAM: LEECHES! (slapping at his chest) Oh, it's Molly. Paw.
KAREN: Molly's paw feels nothing like a leech.
ADAM: She's scratching on my chest.
KAREN: Oh, Molly, don't scratch Daddy's chest.
ADAM: My back is killing me.
KAREN: Uh-oh.
ADAM: I've gotta be really careful. So, there will be no Time Warp for me this new year. I have to Time Warp at least once a decade.
KAREN: Hey, we're going from 2010 to 2011!
ADAM: This was the naughties, so what's the next decade then?
KAREN: The naughties?! I've never heard that! I missed ten whole years of being able to say that?
ADAM: No, we call it the naughties here.
KAREN: But I missed being able to say it.
ADAM: Oh I'm sorry, Baby. So then what are we gonna call the next decade, is it the teenies?
KAREN: Yeah!!


Dec 30 2010

"Why don't you close your eyes. See that? That's how many friends you have. Yeah, you can cry. I would. Next!"

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"The spoons. You stole the teaspoons. It's the egg-cup incident all over again! Curse you and your cuisine nastiness."
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"Yayyyyyyyyy! It's me! Ta-da!"
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Karen's notes: A reader emailed to let us know that STM has been BANNED in the United Arab Emirates! What did it, do you think? The constant stream of self-adoration? The repeated mention of ninjas? The unabating derision of lentils? How, oh how, did we manage to offend?

Well, thanks for letting us know, Rachel. I hope you do manage to make your VPN work so that we can keep you as a reader, preferably without you ending up in prison.


Dec 29 2010

"Fuck! If I don't get to the mother fucking flower show, I'm gonna fucking kill someone!"

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Karen's notes: Ah, such passion for flowers. A sure sign of a delicate soul.

(From the nest-egg.)


Dec 28 2010

"Shhh. I'm joining the ninja choir. We have to harmonize in silence. So shush."

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This was about 9:10. I knew the alarm was about to go off, so, figuring it for a nicer, gentler awakening, I start petting Adam with the soft fuzzy blanket...

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(transcript below)

Merch update: There are two more days for 15% off all orders in the shirt shops. AND, I've added a bunch of new ring tones, including "mongabee", "don't judge me", and "arsehooole"!

STM: Stop it Molly. STOP IT, MOLLY! Go away. Shhh.... Go to Mommy.... GET OFF.... I will fucking skin you alive and wear you like a slipper.
  (Adam wakes up, and I finally break down laughing.)
KAREN: I— I was trying—
ADAM: You being nasty to me? Are you being nasty to me?!
ADAM: You're being nasty!
KAREN: No, listen—
ADAM: No, I'm not listening, you've got nothing to say to me—
KAREN: I was trying to wake you up really nicely, by doing this, look, and you kept telling Molly to go away, and then you said, "Molly, I'll skin you alive and wear you like a slipper!" Molly, Daddy didn't mean it. Come here.
ADAM: Come see Daddy.
KAREN: I actually do— I do want to have her stuffed.
ADAM: In what position?
KAREN: Beagle bagel. Here's the plan: we get Molly stuffed, but with soft—
ADAM: Today?
KAREN: No. But with soft stuff inside her. And there's a heating coil inside as well so she's warm, and then we have her in bed.
ADAM: You can't get soft stuffed animals.
ADAM: Because you can't.
KAREN: Yeah, we will, we'll find a way.
ADAM: You can't because the embalming fluid—
KAREN: Hmm. Let's study this. I'm going to learn how to do it in time. Molly, Mommy's gonna stuff you. I'm gonna do it myself—
ADAM: This isn't a nice conversation—
KAREN: And we're gonna keep you in the bed.
ADAM: Are you gonna give her a little mini bellows as well so she breathes in and out?
KAREN: And then you can still sleep with us. Poor little slipper.


Dec 27 2010

"Oh for pity's sake, man. It's banana, banana, mushroom, banana, no apples! No apples! What the fuck are you playing at? Oh, Jesus!"

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"You got an issue with my goat, you got an issue with me. Come on, goat. We're going somewhere where we're welcome. Baaaaah."
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Karen's notes: About this banana, banana, mushroom thing. We've been playing Mario Kart on the Wii, which Adam won in a raffle last week. He always comes in 1st place, I always come in 12th. Goddamn mushrooms.


Dec 26 2010

(sort of singing) "Do re mi... fucking so la ti do, arsehole."

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"I need warblers. Not Wombles, warblers! Yes, there's a fucking difference! Gotta keep my people happy."
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And then there was the wake-up, at 3 am:

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(transcript below)

Karen's notes:
Do Re Mi: It turns out they always show The Sound of Music during Christmas here in the UK. Personally, I prefer It's A Wonderful Life.

The Wombles: Another one of Adam's childhood TV programs, all about recycling. Adam read yesterday that the creator has passed away. And, yes, he did make me watch an episode. It was a lot like Bagpuss.

KAREN: Oh, Baby.
ADAM: And a merry Christmas to one and all.
KAREN: Who's a dickhead?
ADAM: You calling me a dickhead?
ADAM: Did I upset you?
KAREN: No, you called the entire neighborhood a dickhead.
ADAM: By name?
ADAM: Sorry everyone! Don't take it personally.


Dec 25 2010

From the nest-egg, saved for this special day:
"Jesus needs me. If I don't believe, he don't exist."
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(A worrisome state of affairs for Jesus, as STM is Jewish.)

Merry Christmas, Christmas-celebrating folk!


Dec 24 2010

"Your voice has that haunting melody of whale song… without pitch or tone. Painful. Fucking painful."

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Karen's notes: Don't forget, this is not the first time that STM has implicated whales in his infinite quest for the perfect insult.


Dec 23 2010

"I will not do emails. No. I'm computer eliterate."

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"You've got ping pong all wrong. You pong instead of ping. Stop ponging. Don't pong. Don't poooong!"
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Karen's notes: Last evening, Adam channeled STM. An advert for some psuedo-chic hair-care line came on TV. It was clear that the guy in the ad was meant to be a known personality (I'm often clueless about such things here in the UK), so I asked who he was. Adam replied, "You can go look him up in the dictionary... The dictionary of twats!"


Dec 22 2010

WEDNESDAY REWIND: STM on Artistic Expression

"I made snot pictures. I sneeze in my gallery, all day. Lots of different colours. Making bogey money."
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"Dance for me, go on. Oh you were! I thought you were having a spaz attack."
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"Correctomundo! Take the frame and shit on it, stick it on the wall and stare at it with pride. Cause that's the best thing you're ever going to do."
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"You tap-dancing hamsters. You rock my world, with your little blurry feet."
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"I'm gonna take charge of the hippos humming choir. They need more harmony. And definitely more bass."
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Merch news: The shirt shop's offering one last promo for the year:


Dec 21 2010

"One... two... four... It's one. Oh, bollocks! Three arseholes in my life, there's three! Uch, I'll never get this right..."

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"Happy birthday! As far as I'm concerned, you're living too long."
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Karen's notes: These were uttered around 6:30 this morning, after Adam and I had already been awake for a while. As Adam was drifting back to sleep, he was watching me answer hundreds of multiple-choice practice questions for my "Life in the UK" exam.

I can just see STM taking his "Life as STM" test, poring over questions like:

Who would win in a battle between the dumplings and the noodles?

What are the three steps to happiness?

What is your most hated food?

What is the preferred form of a stupidness intervention?

How many arseholes are in your life?


Dec 20 2010

"Awful! Awful awful awful. Too much to carry, and not enough credit. The world sucks."

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"Come on! Jump into my chocolate-filled love pool."
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Karen's notes: From the nest-egg a few of weeks ago. I'm thinking that first one may resonate for many of you at this time of year.


Dec 19 2010

"God, I can read your mind. I see blank pages, more blank pages— oh, cute kitty! Oh, lovely little kitty— more blank pages... God, you're so vacant."

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Dec 18 2010

"Am I turning into a unicorn? Am I? Only, I'm not into the horn. I could be a unic. Like, unique. Yeah."

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"This is your driver speaking… or is it? Captain Paranoia!"
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Dec 17 2010

"Don't ask me what time I'm gonna call. I'll fucking call whenever I want. Kisses!"

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"Mind the doors! But don't mind me. I'm trying to drive this thing blindfolded. Yee-haw!"
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Karen's notes: I think STM still has a bit of work to do on his wild-west persona.

Merch update: I've added "Don't judge me" on shirts and mugs and bags and iPad sleeves and all sorts of stuff.


Dec 16 2010

"Don't judge me by the friends I keep. No, no, no. Judge me by the enemies I have slain!"

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"Little people are so much fun. Always jumping and looking up skirts. I wish... I wish..."
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"When I find that brick, you're gonna be in trouble."
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Karen's notes: We believe that first one was in homage to Dwight Schrute, the result of watching two episodes of The Office right before going to sleep.


Dec 15 2010


"Yeah, falling in love is WONDERFUL. Especially when it's with me."
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"Kiss me now! These lips aren't gonna be here for long, you know."
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"Please bounce on my bed with me. Bounce with me. Because there's nothing more romantic than bouncing..... Boing."
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"Mmmm, plug me in. Amplify our love. Fill your ears with 'I love youuuuuu'."
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"Ok, let's swap saliva. I know, love is messy."
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Dec 14 2010

"Seriously. I'm just gonna have to call you anus breath from now on."

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Karen's notes: Hahahahahahah! I love that one. It's from the nest egg, about a week ago.

Merch reminder: This is the VERY LAST DAY for FREE SHIPPING! You have until midnight EST (midnight GMT in the UK shop).

If you have any special requests for products (that is, you want a quote that's already in the shop, but on a product you can't find), send me an email by 4pm EST (9pm GMT). Let me know:
  • which quote
  • which version (plain text or speech bubble)
  • which product
  • which shop (US or EU/UK)


Dec 13 2010

"Oh! Hairy spider! Must have been the size of my hand! Okay, a baby's hand. Fuck off, maybe a doll's hand then. Look, it was evil and looking at me and hairy!"

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"Okay, saying 'mind the gap' when we're having sex isn't funny. Sorry... No sense of bloody humor. Not my fault you're a bucket cunt."
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"Monkey see, monkey do. Dirty monkey."
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Karen's notes:
mind the gap: This is the constant announcement on the London Underground reminding people, when stepping on the tube, not to fall into the space between the platform and the train.

monkey see: Ah, STM must be thinking about our upcoming volunteer trip!


Dec 12 2010

"Your words are falling on deaf ears. You know, this is what I hear...... Get the hint? Fuck off."

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Dec 11 2010

"Oops. Oops? The tattooist said 'oops'. I'm fucked."

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Karen's notes: Yeah, I guess that is the single worst phrase to hear your tattooist mutter.


Dec 10 2010

"Where's the suitcase? The one filled with tampons. Mmmm, mice on the mouse organ. Baaaaaah. All together. All together."

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"No, don't say 'I love you.' Never set yourself up for disappointment."
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Karen's notes: Ok, I know that first one seemed all over the place. But after much discussion, we managed to make some sense of it.
suitcase full of tampons: This might sounds like one of those bizarre, fanciful dream-images. But— how can I explain this— when I visit the States twice a year, I buy lots of things that are less expensive, or that I like better from the States. So, you see, a suitcase full of tampons is only a slight exaggeration from reality.

tampons and mice?: Well, think about it. Surely you can imagine how that connection gets made.

mice on the mouse organ: This meant nothing to me, but I bet it has brought back a flood of memories for all you 30-something Brits out there. Adam got EXTREMELY excited to tell me all about Bagpuss, the cloth cat who comes to life, and his mousy friends who live on the organ, and are, it would seem, genetically programmed to repeat every single word they say three times. Yes, he made me watch an episode.
Now, if you have WAY too much time on your hands, you can listen to Adam regress into childhood as he narrates the Bagpuss theme for me.
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Here are all the Bagpuss characters:

And here are the mice on the mouse organ (note the mouse detail on the cabinets, which Adam made absolutely sure I didn't miss):


Dec 9 2010

WEDNESDAY REWIND: The Backhand Compliment

STM has truly perfected the art of abusive flattery. Here we have a few examples of his particular brand of biting praise:

(Okay, okay, so I missed it yesterday. Just play along, alright?)
"You certainly are incredible. A perfect example of genetics gone wrong. Now go stand in the corner and dribble or do something just as intelligent."
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"Everyday you reinvent yourself into a bigger cock-shite than ever. It's incredible. I don't know how you do it. I admire you."
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"I do like your eyes. Mmmm-hmmm. Shoved up your fuckin arse so I can see the shit you create. Bye-bye!"
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"As a vacuous cum bucket, you're perfect."
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Dec 8 2010

"Vaginas have brains. Oh, they've worked me out. And they don't like me. Oh!"

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"Why aren't you wearing a cat on your head, Monkey-Custard? Hmm? Go find one. Run along, run along."
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And here we have the dramatic wake up!

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STM: (lots of little moans, and then) BOOBIES!
KAREN: (groans)
ADAM: Shhhh. Don't say a word. Don't don't don't don't don't don't please.
KAREN: (sigh)
ADAM: Ok, you can say something now.
KAREN: I assume you know what you just shouted.
ADAM: Bees...
KAREN: No, not bees. I mean, yes, bees was part of it.
ADAM: What was the whole thing?
KAREN: (chuckles)
ADAM: Go on.
ADAM: Hmmm... My head hurts.
KAREN: Actually, my throat really hurts.
ADAM: I was talking about me. Don't take it away. I'll come to you later.
ADAM: My head hurts.
KAREN: Oh, Baby, I'm sorry.
ADAM: That's better. How are you?
KAREN: Actually, my throat hurts.
ADAM: Oh, really?
KAREN: Yeah.
ADAM: Yeah, my head hurts worse.

Karen's notes: My throat really does hurt.

Merch reminder: Just one more week of free shipping from the shirt shop. Don't miss it!


Dec 7 2010

"No, princesses don't get tickled. They dance and get married. It's true."

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"Don't fuck my logic. No, it's unfuckable. (whining) Oh, oh! Damn you and your philosophical foreplay! Damn you."
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From much earlier in the night, I found this in the recording, of which neither of us has any recollection:

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ADAM: Mmm! Mmph! Uh! What are you doin— Oh, okay, it's you. You tried to strangle me.
KAREN: Hmmm?
ADAM: Strangle me.
ADAM: You just want me for me collection of teeth.
KAREN: Teeth?
ADAM: Mmm-hmm.


Dec 6 2010

"Don't stop me. I need to put this on my Santa list before I forget. It's my Santa list! You know, an X-box 360 for me... and a cock slap for you. I'm so excited."

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Karen's notes: I'd say we have a theme here. I call your attention to the September 24 post.

I'm sorry, Baby, but it's just not gonna happen.


Dec 5 2010

"Yeah, I'd like to have you around as much as a week old bag of old cum. Slopping around, bashing my leg, hanging off my belt. Reminding me all the time what a useless fucking waste of space you are. Splosh splosh splosh."

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Karen's notes: This delightful little utterance has been sitting there in the nest-egg, haunting me in all its cringe-worthiness, for nearly a year. Ugh.


Dec 4 2010

"Oh, it looks like I'm going to have to skin this peanut myself. If you want a job done well, call me."

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This was around 3:30 am. Adam had me pinned down under his arm. I suddenly couldn't remember if I had turned the recorder on, so I tried turning over carefully to take a look...
"Stop struggling! Just enjoy it. Bloody hell."
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And then he woke up as only STM can:
STM: Arseho-o-ole!?!?
ADAM: Whatever.
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And, as usual, I shared with him what he had said:

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KAREN: You said, "I guess I'll have to skin this peanut myself."
ADAM: Can you skin a peanut?
KAREN: Well, I guess if you think of it, like, not the shell, but you know the really thin little skin around a peanut, inside the shell?
ADAM: No... You're thinking of monkey nuts. Peanuts don't come in a shell... Oh, hang on... brown, it's brown, isn't it....
KAREN: Oh my god.
ADAM: What? Shut up.
KAREN: (laughing) "Peanuts don't come in a shell."
ADAM: Shut up shut up shut up!
KAREN: By the way, what are monkey nuts?
ADAM: You don't know what monkey nuts are?
ADAM: Oh, they're nuts. They're like... are they peanuts?
KAREN: Adam!
ADAM: We call them monkey nuts.
KAREN: There's nothing. What—
ADAM: They're not real nuts.. They're nuts... I don't know... (in desperate confusion) What's monkey nuts?! I grew up with them... Are monkey nuts peanuts? I'm getting so confused and worried right now... um... Peanuts... they come in... monkey nuts.
KAREN: What?!
ADAM: I don't know... hang on... they... why do we call them monkey nuts?
KAREN: What ARE they? What are you talking about?
ADAM: They're not real, I mean, they are real, because you eat them, but they're not real—
KAREN: You don't mean that they're imaginary—
KAREN: Can you describe them?
ADAM: I'm dribbling. I'm getting so nervous I'm dribbling.
KAREN: Could you describe monkey nuts, please?
ADAM: Hmm... monkey nuts... normally containing two nuts... so far so good—
KAREN: Ok...
ADAM: Contained within an outer shell. I suppose in a way it looks a bit like a dumbell, because you've got a nut at each end.. oh, fuck it, I don't know. No, it's not a dumbell. I'm rubbish... They're held in a shell...
KAREN: Adam, I think you're describing a peanut in the shell.
ADAM: Yeah, I think I am. The shell's kind of like, all bobbly... not bobbly, it's got dimples in it...
KAREN: Let me guess: is it light brown?
ADAM: Yeah.
KAREN: Is it waffle patterned?
ADAM: Yeah. And soft, cause you break into these.
KAREN: Mm-hmm.
ADAM: Yeah. You know, monkey nuts!
KAREN: Mm-hmm.
ADAM: Yay! You've got them too!
KAREN: In America, we call those peanuts, that just happen to not yet be shelled.
ADAM: Oh. That's sensible.
KAREN: Mmmm.
ADAM: I don't know why... well, give me your computer. Look up monkey nuts.
KAREN: I'm just doing this once for you, and then we're going to sleep. (types "monkey nuts" into Google images)
ADAM: There we go. Thank you!
KAREN: Peanuts.
ADAM: Monkey nuts!
KAREN: Peanuts.
ADAM: Monkey nuts!


Dec 3 2010

"'Harder' is NOT a good safe word."

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"Genital waxing: very good or very bad? Discuss."
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Karen's notes: From
SAFE WORD: In BDSM community, a word— usually irrelevant and strange in the context of the sexual situation— agreed by the participating parties to cease the activity. This is so that the submissive partner(s) can say "stop" and "no" as often as they want during the session and use the safe word when they actually mean it.

BDSM: An overlapping abbreviation of Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM).
Wow, I cannot believe how many typos there are on UrbanDictionary.


Dec 2 2010

"My invisibility is wearing off. You can't see me. I am not here."

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"I declare today will be eat vegetables day. And kill animals. Oh yeah."
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"I loved it, and then I set it free. And now, I will hunt it down and kill it."
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Karen's notes:

invisibility - We saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows last night.

"And kill animals" - Adam really does love animals. Please believe me.

"I loved it..." - Presumably, STM's version of the adage, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be."


Dec 1 2010

It's Wednesday Rewind! Today's theme: Foods Adam (and apparently STM) avoids at all costs.

"My vision of hell is a lentil casserole."
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"Avocados? You can shove them up your ass as well."
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"Lentils are evil. Pure fucking oozing evil."
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"BLECH! You can't give me that cottage cheese shit. It's like albino diarrhea."
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"Here's an avocado salad. There's danger camouflaged in the green."
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"Damn you lentil gods. Banish thee and your evil produce!"
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Karen's notes: I think it only fair to reveal that Adam's disdain for avocados masks his terrible sadness at being allergic to them.

Merch news: Yup, another promo!