Mar 31 2010

"Wow. If you really think that was a good idea, maybe your mum should rethink having YOU was a good idea."

"Who's eating popping candy? I hope you brought enough for everybody. I like big bags. Pop your fucking head off!"
__________

Karen's notes: Adam was silent last night. These are some that I've stashed away for such days.

Completely irrelevant plug: I PROMISE not to make a habit of using this space to promote things unrelated-- and I ask your pardon in advance-- but this is too close to my heart for me to let it go by completely unmentioned. If you live in the Boston area, you might want to check out the amazingly cool show that my brother wrote and directed. It's described as a "punk cabaret fairy tale," and has been getting a nice bit of press. It opens next week. Details here: www.performancelaboratory.com.

Mar 30 2010

(Poor little Molly the dog is chewing on her foot)

"Nibbling. Stop your nibbling. Always with the nibbling. Nibble my fucking fist! That'll stop your nibbling. Can't nibble with no teeth."

"Damn you lentil gods. Banish thee and your evil produce!"

"Thunder... Thunder- Thundercats are cool. Except for the little ginger one. There's always the ginger one."

 or click here

I assume he's talking about this one:



And in response to requests, here's Molly the little beagle:

Mar 29 2010

"Listen to you? I'd rather listen to the sound of me sucking out the juices of a corpse through its anal sphincter. Harsh, but true."

 or click here

"Hey, who put my elbows on backwards?! That's not fucking funny!"

"Yeah, take a gooood look. Keep looking. Makes you feel sooooo goooood."

"Damnit, I'm gonna be late. I've run out of nipple glue! Always at the worst times."

 or click here

At this point, Adam rolled over, snuggled up, put his arm around me, and crooned:

"Arse chunder chunks."

And then, after a violent coughing fit:

"Mexican banditos!"

Mar 28 2010

"Scientists in the future will completely struggle to work out how you were ever classified as an intelligent life form."

"Give me a pope on a rope any day, not shit on a string."
__________

Karen's note: Adam didn't talk last night, these are from my collection of honeymoon leftovers. On the nights that he talks a lot, I've started keeping a couple back so I have something for you all on his silent nights.

Mar 27 2010

"Bacon sandwich. It's delicious. I want it now. Meet bacon rage."

"Smug fucking chameleon, with it's googly oogly eyes. Stick it in front of the TV. That'll fuck it up."
__________

Karen's note: I think Adam would have said more, if he hadn't been woken up by the huge THUD of my computer falling on the floor. My apologies!

Shameless merchandise plug: We had lots of requests for "cake o'clock" stuff, so there are now t-shirts, aprons, mugs and more. We also added "direct line to god", "pony for sale", and others.

There are a bunch of new ringtones as well, but the shop is having technical problems fulfilling orders to the US. They tell us it will be fixed soon. In the meantime, feel free to go to the ringtone shop to hear some bonus audio. Listening is free!

Mar 26 2010

"Tiny tiny tadpoles. Millions of the wriggly little buggers. Don't give 'em feet yet! Too soon."

"Yeah, I want a bike with 128 gears. Fuck off, I'm not gonna ride it, schmuck. I wanna BRAG about it."

"No emails? Is it working? Don't you want to speak to me? (whines pathetically) Communication paranoia!"

"Oh, put the phone down... No, you put it down first.... No, you... Just put the arse-rimming pig-fucking mother-shit fuck phone down! Jeeesuuuusssss... Whatever."

 or click here

Mar 25 2010

[the dog is scratching her ear, making a ticking sound] "Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick..." [singing] "I'm the driver of the train." [then forcefully] "I don't like your face, get off my train! Don't you shake your head, get off my train. Piss off, I don't want old people. They're just sooo slooow."

"It's cake o'clock! All day long."

 or click here

"You got a shirts for hippos? Hippo shirts. Yes. Hippo sodding potty mouths. With shirts on. Perfect!"

 or click here

Mar 24 2010

"Mango-munching monkeys. Crazy swinging creatures."

"I'm totally too bad-ass for tango. Cha cha cha!"

 or click here

__________

Karen's note: About four years ago, I volunteered at an animal sanctuary in Brazil. I had a special monkey that I took care of, named Kurma, and he LOVED mango. If I gave him mango in his dish, he would ignore the rest of his food. I have lots of pictures of him with mango all over his face.

Mar 23 2010

"Today is a good day. I like today. Today, I feel good. Today, I'm going to tell you, you're a cum stain and your presence in my life is nothing. Today is a good day."

"That goat's mad. Don't pick his beard. Don't pick his beard, I said! Ohhhh, now your ass is his."

"Noisy munchkins. Always making noise, those little buggers. Got to keep them under control. Use a hammer. Bash them on the head! Now they're quiet."

"Don't pick me last. No, please. Oh, you bastard! Now I'm not going to play... I know I'm sulking. You can fucking suck my fat one."

Mar 22 2010

"Sure you can have my phone number. It's like having a direct line to God. But better. Because I answer."
__________

Karen's note: Although no one can complain that the quality isn't there, we're just not getting the quantity we want out of Adam in the last few days. I think it's time to try out cheese before bed.

So, here's a bonus leftover from honeymoon.
__________

"Is there something scratching in here? Shhhhh. Scratching things, everybody stop! Everybody stop! I've got to listen to the scratching things. Stop scratching, YOU! Stop scratchiiiing... Thank you... You're the scratchy thing, you're the scratchy thing. Cock off!"

 or click here

Mar 21 2010

"I could have sworn you put the bed here. Why am I laying in all this shit? You moved the bed! You moved the bed. Don't ever move the bed again."

"There's only one thing that comes as close as being as fantastic as me, and that's my reflection. All hail the beautiful mirror. Wow."

Mar 20 2010

"Yeah, cause, crampons are absolutely unsuitable for tap dancing. Potentially bloody, in fact. A total waste of fucking time."

"You, sir, are the used sock on a teenager's floor. Nothing more."
__________

Karen's note: Crampons are those spikes that mountain climbers attach to their shoes to dig into the ice. Yeah, not so great for tap-dancing.

Mar 19 2010

"Little hands can't manhandle. No. They can only minihandle. Oh, pity those little digits."

"Oh, tea me up, baby. I love a good cuppa char."

"You are the perfect candidate for post-natal abortion. Got it?"
__________

Karen's notes:

cup of char = cup of tea, Adam tells me.

I've put 8 new quotes up in the US t-shirt shop, including "can do attitude" and "that manatee is going down." I'll catch up on the UK t-shirts and mugs by tomorrow. Links to all in the left-hand column.

Mar 18 2010

"I want to see the piglets. Let me see the piglets. Why can't I see the piglets? Ohhhh, piglets! ...Fuck they stink! I want to go home now. Stinky fucking piglets."

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes: No talking last night, so that one's a honeymoon leftover. And here are the park's piglets (which Adam had heard lots about, but not yet had an opportunity to visit when he said this):

Mar 17 2010

"I need a book. A big book. And the loo. Happiness."

"I'm sorry, but, you can take your can-do attitude and fuck it 'til it's raw. Can you do that? Can you?"

"Those brown sharks are worrisome. Bobbing in the river. They give me the willies."

"Need room. Spread my wings."
__________

Karen's notes:

loo = toilet

Also, that last one was said during a late-night battle for space and duvet (comforter).

Mar 16 2010

"As a vacuous cum bucket, you're perfect."

"Of course I know where your eyes are. I just like staring at your tits. Thank you!"

"You try feeding me any processed soya, you're going to find it very hard to wipe your ass without any fucking arms."

"Correctomundo! Take the frame and shit on it, stick it on the wall and stare at it with pride. Cause that's the best thing you're ever going to do."
__________

Karen's note: Nothing to say about last night's offensive mutterings (except sorry?). I just wanted to let you all know that, after numerous requests, I've put all the published audio together on a page. There's a link to it in the audio section in the left-hand column.

Mar 15 2010

"Cuff him! Arrest him! I don't care, that manatee is going down!"

"Green bananas. I've got lots and lots of green bananas. Really I've got lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fucking bananas. Please somebody get rid of my green bananas!"

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes:

Manatees - These are the most gentle, docile creatures. There is no way that any manatee has ever willfully broken the law.



Green bananas - Adam said this just last night, but I guess some things just stick with you. As explanation, here is a picture I took on our honeymoon of the elephant food preparation area:



Yes, everything you see in this picture is a green banana, even on those shelves in the background, and we personally lifted every single one of those stalks.

Mar 14 2010

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM!

Apparently, on his birthday, Adam takes the night off from sleep-talking. Pity.

But that's ok, cause I have SO many great ones stored up from the honeymoon:


"Don't worry. I'll find it. That's what I do, find things. I find you annoying. See?"

"Next time I lend out my chest hair, it won't be to a dick-face like you. You've got it covered in lots of stuff. It'll take ages to clean up. One hair at a time."


and here, Sleep Talkin' Man abandons his usual cool demeanor, and displays his deep passion for low-quality children's snacks:


"Choc Dip. Gimme Choc Dip. Yes, a Choc Dip. Oh, I want a simple chocolate mother-fucking stupid ass-wiping cock-sucking mother-fucking SHIT FUCK chocolate dip please! Oh, thank you."

 or click here

Finally, here is a picture from our honeymoon, in which Adam caresses little Faa Mai during her afternoon nap. Note the helpful instructions on the t-shirt:


("Elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only.")

Mar 13 2010

"The grass on the other side of the fence: Burn it! It's not nice."

"You know, it's not easy being me. You should try it. I bet that after just five minutes, you'll then have an incredible healthy respect for how amazing I am."

"Soggy fucking saddlebags, I am NOT sticking around here. This place sucks.... Sorry Mum, but it's true."

Mar 12 2010

"Me, fat? Think again, titty-fuck. I taught my muscles to be in a zen-like state of relaxation. Permanently."

"Ah, glass. My nemesis. One day, I shall beat you."

"Hmm, linguini on the ceiling! It adds a certain texture. Interesting... Just don't use penne. Or those crappy twisty ones."

(said in a cute sing-song) "Pee-po... Pee-po... Pee-po." (now with angry forcefulness) "You are SO gonna play my game, otherwise I WILL poke out your eye and skull-fuck you. Okay?"

 or click here

"She's got my leg! She's got my leg! I'm not a hopper, I'm a jumper! Give me back. Don't like it."
__________

Karen's notes:

Glass - I should mention here that Adam is a bit, shall we say, accident-prone. For example, he habitually slams his forehead on windows while trying to look out at something. Our garden door is perpetually littered with oval-shaped smudge marks. When I told Adam about this one in the morning, he admitted to me that, at his job yesterday, he smacked his forhead into the window, in front of everyone.

"She's got my leg!" - Our little dog Molly had actually settled herself across Adam's legs under the covers, and had him pinned.

Mar 11 2010

"Keep an eye on Zebedee. He's a shifty one. It's the spring I don't trust."

"Dip Dabs are my favourite sweet. But I always have too much dip. Not enough dab. Not fair."

"Fly soup. Stir him in. It's the wings that get stuck in your teeth, though."

"Toilet showers! Convenient AND refreshing. Nice."

"I made snot pictures. I sneeze in my gallery, all day. Lots of different colours. Making bogey money."

"Being horizontal is a state of mind, not just necessary."

"Step outside, needle-dick bug fucker. There's a whole world out there, and they just want to hate you, too."

 or click here

"Oooooh. I'm getting all jiggered up now! Jiggedy! All because of Don't Stop Believing. Yeahhhhh."

 or click here

__________

Karen's notes:

Zebedee - A character from the most annoyingly inane children's film, The Magic Roundabout. As Adam explained to me this morning, "he's got a spring up his ass."

DipDab - Adam had to look this up when he woke up (weird!), but once he did, he remembered loving them 30 years ago.

Toilet Showers - Here's my guess about this one: In Thailand, the toilets all have little hand-held spray nozzles that you can use to wash your nether regions. The Thais use this instead of toilet paper (in our case, we made use of both... sorry, probably TMI). At the end of the trip, Adam commented that he would miss them. They ARE refreshing.

Bogey - This is the British equivalent of "booger" in the States.

Don't Stop Believing - Shortly before we left for honeymoon, Adam got obsessed with the new version of the song from the show Glee. We listened to it every morning for two weeks. I have to admit, it does rock.

     

Mar 10 2010

"No pens. There's no pens here. I can't do any work anymore. I'm in crayon heaven."

"This train's leaving, so get your mingy arse on board, you ginger minger." *

"Cheese balls for everyone. Share them around. They're fun and they're tasty. They're fasty! Yeah."

"Kiss me. Tastes good, doesn't it. Why don't you go back and have a second helping? Be greedy."

"Windy in my hair. Don't bend over, you'll whistle."

__________

Karen's note: In that second one, Adam pronounced "minger" with a hard g. That is, it rhymed with "ginger". Same with "mingy". "Minger"-- rhyming with "ringer" -- is a slang term here in the UK, but I've never heard the pronunciations that Adam used. Anyone want to chime in on this?

Mar 9 2010

We're back!

Adam and I had the most magical honeymoon volunteering at the Elephant Nature Park in northern Thailand for two weeks. It was all we could have possibly hoped for.

Our daily waking life at the park seemed to play a much bigger role in Adam's sleep talking than it does at home. So, for today's special sort-of-happy-to-be-back post, I've included a number of such musings.

"Oh, such wrinkly skin. And oh so hairy. Yeah, like grandmothers with trunks."

"I want an elephant race, with hurdles and everything... Watch them jump over ditches. And we can stick little dogs on top as jockeys. Doggie jockeys."

 or click here

Adam said this one, along with a few extremely rude insults, on a night that we were sleeping out in the jungle with 12 other people. We had hiked up into the mountain with 5 elephants, some volunteers and a number of thai workers. The other volunteers all missed hearing it (we were sleeping a bit away from them), but the thais right next to us certainly didn't.

The rest of the time, Adam and I had a hut in "The Palace," which is a raised structure comprised of 6 huts and 5 bathrooms, made mostly of bamboo and wood. Anytime anyone walked around, the entire structure shook with their footfall. I assume that explains this one:

"Stop bouncing the floor. Stop it, seriously, I need to pee. I need to pee and I can't pee in the toilet when you're bouncing the floor... Fuck you shit-for-brains, that's it, I'm gonna piss up and down your body every time you bounce... There we go."

 or click here

"What goes in one hole hot comes out the other hole hot. Burning fucking curry. Awesome stuff."

"Elephants with two arms!... Oh no, it's the tail."

"Fatal falling figs"

The Palace had been built around an enormous fig tree, which was left growing out of the middle of the structure. Lucky us, the tree happened to hang right above our hut's roof. So at night, when the wind kicked up, figs would thump onto the roof above our heads, then roll down, and thump again onto the floor outside (you can hear them in the last recording). This, along with the periodic howling of the park's 50 + dogs, did not always make for the most restful night's sleep.

Finally, for anyone who has ever shoveled elephant poo, this one needs no explanation:

"Totally green snowballs. Giant ones! They look wrong. They sound wrong when they hit you. And boy do they smell wrong."

If anyone out there wants to know about the park, we're happy to talk about our experience. By the way, we were told that a day-visitor at the park asked for us, but it was a couple of days before we arrived. If this is you, make yourself known to us!

We missed you guys, and as hard as it is to go back to real life, we're happy to be back on the blog.

Mar 8 2010

"Don't come in to work tomorrow. In fact, don't come back at all. Basically, I don't want you around, cause you're-- I'll keep this simple-- a cock. A small, pathetic, flaccid, looking-at-your-shoes-constantly kind of a cock. Okay, bye-bye!"

 or click here

Mar 7 2010

"Of course blue dogs are more expensive. Pink dogs are shite."

"Oh, I forgot to mention: You're an ugly fuck with no sense of style. You need to do a lot more to yourself to make you socially acceptable. You need help."

Mar 6 2010

"I just don't like those german shepherds and their achtung sheep."

"Come close. I want to make sure you don't miss one bit of this: Cock off, cunt face!"

Mar 5 2010

"Good morning. I just wanted to be the first person to call you a twat. Enjoy your day."

"Cheese and pineapple on a toothpick... Why?!"

 or click here

Mar 4 2010

"Stand further away. You can't possibly appreciate my greatness this close up."

"I love my turtle... it's flippity flop flippers."

Mar 3 2010

"So you want to speak your mind. Be careful you don't use the bit you need to breathe with. Run along, run along."

"They've got rubber bottoms and plastic cocks! Kick 'em."

Mar 2 2010

"Oh, the jigabee's here. Budge up, give us some duvet. I've been looking forward to this. Nice jigabee."

 or click here

Mar 1 2010

"I'm sorry. I just ate asparagus. You'll have to clean the toilet."

"There you go again, wasting decent oxygen on talking."