Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts. Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam. Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)
I'm going to interject here and mention that we spent the day wandering around the banks of the river with Adam's kids yesterday, digging up little crabs and other water-life. Now, that first quote was in the dead of night, maybe 3 am. Cut ahead to 9 am, I start stroking Adam's forehead to wake him up, and:
For those of you without audio, Adam has just yelled out "CRAB" in response to my loving caresses, thereby proving that crustaceans were the overarching theme of the night's imaginings. This audio also demonstrates how utterly adorable my husband is.
Karen's notes: Apparently, no sleep the night before means too-deep-sleep-for-talking the night after. Poor Adam was exhausted.
This one goes back a few weeks. Advice that Adam picked up from his dentist, obviously.
For those who expressed concern, Adam's son is feeling better, we did stick him back in with his sister last night, and everyone got a great night's sleep. (Except Molly, the dog, who came into our room in the middle of the night, presumably because Adam's son's snoring was keeping her up.)
Karen's notes: No sleep talking last night because... no sleep! Poor Adam. His son is sick this weekend, so he slept with Adam in case he had a tough night, and I slept with my step-daughter. Not only was the recorder filled with hours of raucous snoring, but it turns out that his son is a duvet ninja! He can swipe that cover away faster than a hummingbird's wings. And, on top of being bombarded with the adenoidal cacophony, and being fully exposed to the cold night air, Adam also got punched in the back a few times.
Thank god his daughter sleeps like the dead. we'll stick them back together tonight. How else will the rest of us stay entertained?
Karen's notes: Sorry, the audio recording for the superhero shopping list was just too muddled to include. Luckily, I ALWAYS WAKE UP when Adam starts talking, so I can decipher the questionable parts from memory.
By the way, Adam actually could find all these things at one of my old haunts, the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Company, a delightful store that is a front for something far more sinister (cue dramatic music)! If you're in the area, you should go check it out, and ask to see the secret chambers.
Karen's notes: Oh my. What can I possibly say about this?
Merch news: So many people asked for "whoever invented calories" shirts and mugs, I rushed it into the shops. The buy-4-get-1-free offer ends tomorrow, for anyone who was hoping to take advantage of it. Hey, another way to look at it? Buy 20, get 5 free. Buy them for your whole company, your entire extended family, all the guests at your wedding, the population of a small third-world nation! Just think of the savings!
Karen's notes: No chattering last night. This is from the nestegg.
A few months ago, Adam actually did smush an entire chocolate cake into his 2nd cousin's face, just for fun. (Well, you insisted he wouldn't, so it really was your fault, Gaby.) My point is, Adam knows something about this cake-in-face thing.
(I open the laptop in bed) "Mmmm, balls of light. Bibble bobbly bibble. Bibble bobble." (I quickly close it again out of guilt) "Oh, it's burst! I hope it enjoyed itself whilst it was around."
(I think, screw the guilt, I'm bored, and open the laptop again. Adam sings:) "Here comes the sun. Hmm hmm hmm hmm. Here comes the sun, and I say... Hmmm. I said something. I forget what. Not important now."
(For those who don't have access to audio, this is Adam saying almost exactly the same thing, three days earlier. What a truly odd husband I have.
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Shameless merch update: New stuff in the shops! I added these to shirts and mugs: "Christ on a bike!"
"Your blue sky thinking is blighted with dark clouds of piss-poor ideas."
"They're not love handles. I've got love impact protection barriers."
"Keep close to me. My love is infectious, and there's no cure."
"Jellyfish are attacking. Everybody grab your ice cream guns!"And there's only 4 DAYS LEFT for the buy-four-get-one-free special on shirts in the US shop. US $ customers, use code MAYSHIRTS, Canadian $ customers use CADMAYSHIRTS.
Karen's notes: Remember, here in the UK, "jelly" = "jell-o". So imagine smushing jell-o through a strainer. After hearing the recording, Adam had the idea of trying this out, making a nest out of the spaghetti jell-o and adding ice-cream eggs. I'll let you all know how that pans out.
Also, a note for you Americans that were around in the 80's: Wendy's doesn't exist here. (Search for "Where's the beef" on YouTube if you don't know what I'm talking about.)
"How much for the frog? No, that one.... No, THAT one. Goddammit, how much for the frog, that one with the tail?... Well excuse me! How much for the lizard then?"
Karen's notes: About that first one. We've been raising tadpoles for the last few weeks. We're just waiting for them to get their little legs so that we can release them into the pond at the park. Maybe Adam's been looking at frogs with tails for so long, he's gotten himself confused?
Oh, hey, we got so many requests for "blue sky thinking" on merch, we rushed it into the shops. Shirts and mugs!
Picture the scene: Living room. 10 pm. I'm on the phone with my Dad. Adam, who has been napping on the sofa next to me, starts chattering away. Adam mumbles "stupid fucking cow", then something about fishsticks. My Dad was lucky enough to hear him say something like, "Get away. Get away, I tell you!" After Dad and I hung up, I bolted to the bedroom for the recorder. Here's what ensued:
"Yeah shut up. I'm gonna stick you in the boot with the other shit that I can't be bothered to deal with, and too embarrassed to take out."
Karen's notes: What does everyone notice about today's talking, hmm? Come on, you can spot it... Got it yet? Here's a hint: it's something missing... No?... SWEARING. There's not one little bit of swearing today. Now, last evening I mentioned to Adam that, lately, nearly every single thing he said included swearing. I wasn't criticizing, just noting, but it appears his subconscious felt chastened.
Added later: In the comments, NewMexicanAnnie pointed out that "one of his favorite sleeptalking curse phrases is the last two words before .com?"
I just want to state here that I don't believe Adam has ever used the phrase "tit fuck" in his waking life. He's just not that guy.
Added later later: A reader of the blog has actually just purchased the domain above! He's asking for your suggestions of stupid, useless things in the world. Go there!
(as I'm peeing in our en-suite bathroom) "What are you pouring that away for? I wanted that. Christ you're a selfish fucking cunt. I don't care. Cold tea is still tea nonetheless."
"Why aren't you making me warm, hmm? Hmm? Why aren't you making me warm? That's your one fucking job, to make me warm, why the fuck are you not doing your job?... Being dead is no fucking excuse, you make me fucking warm!"
"Before you say anything, I want you to take a long, hard think.... Longer... Longer!... Keep thinking... Keeeeep thinking... Did I say stop thinking?... Longer!"
Karen's notes: For anyone who missed it, we were on BBC2 this weekend, on Frank Skinner's Opinionated. It was a good time. If you feel like watching it, there's a link to the clip on our media page. Or, you can see the full episode on iPlayer.
(as I slide back into bed) "Oh, tremors! Quick, under the table! Leave the goldfish though. Little shit. Let him suffer. Thinks he's all high and mighty 'cause he's got a castle."
Karen's notes: Thanks to everyone for my wonderful birthday wishes yesterday!
To our eighteen goldfish, I wish to say: Don't feel bad, little guys. Daddy wasn't talking about you. Daddy loves you.
Adam knows where the power boat reference came from: He had his kids in Camden Market yesterday, and they all (him included) went crazy for a huge toy power boat.
ps - I went back and added the "lego" audio from two days ago.
Karen's notes: You would think that on my birthday, Adam would give me something really juicy, right? But you know what I got? A whole lotta nuthin! I had to dip into the nestegg again.
These are both from a couple of weeks ago. Personally, I love that second one, how he giggles at the word buttocks. What is he, like, nine?
All of the following occurred around 3 in the morning. I was already awake when it got going, as I'm in one of my insomniac phases. It began like this:
"Going to husband school. Yeah. Always having to do better. The teacher's a bitch and there's no chance of graduating."
And then, Just as I've settled back in, he whispers in my ear:
"Shhh. I can smell you. I hear through my nose."
(That was just too quiet for the recorder to get.) This is about the point where I'm hyperventilating, trying to keep my giggles under control.
Shortly after this, I feel Adam wrestling with the headboard. Yes, we had another episode of him getting his hand caught between the slats. It was a silent struggle, no biting ponies this time, but he woke himself up nevertheless. Here's a bit of the "reveal":
Karen's notes: This one's easy. We watched a nature program on Saturday about hippos. Along with learning how it is possible for them to fit the entire top half of a man in their mouths, we also learned all about how they communicate by humming and grunting through their nostrils. Thanks, Discovery channel!
Merch update: New t-shirts and mugs! You'll find "fashion assassins", "tap dancing hamsters", "crosshairs of my love" and "arseholes unite" along with all the classics.
Also, buy 4 shirts, get the 5th free! The US shop is doing a special right now, so find four friends or colleagues who want shirts and keep the free one for yourself! (yes, of course I'm joking, you moral people). US $ customers, use code MAYSHIRTS, Canadian $ customers use CADMAYSHIRTS.
ps- for those UK customers who feel shafted, we're really sorry, these specials are all done by Spreadshirt, not us. Write and tell them how you feel!
Karen's notes: That last one is my personal favorite in a while. It's all about the audio.
These happened around 3:30 in the morning. A few hours later, about 10 minutes before the alarm was to go off, I wanted to see if I could get more out of him, so I started making little noises. Adam's eyes suddenly popped open and he said in his most accusing voice, "Were you humming at me? You bloody well were, weren't you!" I tried to play it off, but I was totally busted. Experiment fail.
"You give me stress, anxiety, days filled with woe. I give you, I don't know, a kick in the fucking balls. I think that kind of makes it fair. Arsehole."
"Shoot the fucking cellist. Pompous cunt with his oversized violin."
"I have succumbed to temptation! Mankini or body wax? Decisions, decisions..."
Karen's notes: Does it occur to anyone else that if one chooses to wear a mankini, one should ALSO get a body wax? Choosing between these options doesn't strike me as the best plan.
Added later: Ah! Someone made a comment that may have shed light on STM's difficult decision. They read it differently than I heard it, but I think they may be correct: "I think the waxing one was the choice between a "Mankini wax" or a whole body wax. Like women have a "Bikini wax"." That does make a lot more sense. Thanks, MsM!
Karen's notes: Poor Adam has a terrible cold/flu. Sick = no sleep = no sleep talking. I hope he gets better soon. He has a responsibility to amuse us!
These are from the stockpile. That second one I've been waiting to share for a long time. It's from our honeymoon. Nice, right?
Added later: Some people, after reading that last one, have expressed concern for my feelings. Don't worry, everyone! Adam and I are very secure in our feelings for each other, and I don't ever worry that his subconscious self is talking to me.
Karen's notes: These were from Saturday morning. We'd already woken up, I'd blogged, Adam decided to have an extra little snooze, and started blabbing.
Because I can only assume that the first one makes at least a few people cringe as much as it makes me cringe, I want to let you all know, yet again, that Adam awake is a very sweet, good-natured, non-violent guy.
As for Captain Fluffer, I had to explain the term "fluffer" to Adam. For those who aren't familiar, I suggest Wikipedia.
"When I grow up, I want to be respectful of my parents. Of all the wonderful things they've done for me.... Yeah right. Pffffft. Just give me presents."
Karen's notes: Just before we went to sleep last night, we were researching working farms to take Adam's children to on holiday. That might explain those first two. I should also mention that Farmer Barleymow was a character on some creepy-looking cartoon from Adam's childhood. Here he is on his tractor:
As for that last one, I want to take this awkward opportunity to say that Adam's parents are lovely people, and he loves them very much.
"Arseholes of the world unite! And fuck off together."
"Your silence says a lot. Mainly, you haven't got the intellect to say something mildly witty. Or intelligent. Or anything of substance. You are, by definition, a fuck-up."
Karen's notes: Another quiet night for Adam. Clearly, we need to set up "important meetings" for Adam every day. These are some of the leftovers from last night.
Added a bit later: Adam fell back to sleep after I posted, and chattered away! I'll save those for the next silent night.
