Some content on this page is not suitable for young eyes or faint hearts. Views expressed by Sleep Talkin' Man rarely reflect the opinions of waking Adam. Especially the desire to exterminate all vegetarians (but he does hate lentils.)
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Karen's notes: A reader emailed to let us know that STM has been BANNED in the United Arab Emirates! What did it, do you think? The constant stream of self-adoration? The repeated mention of ninjas? The unabating derision of lentils? How, oh how, did we manage to offend?
Well, thanks for letting us know, Rachel. I hope you do manage to make your VPN work so that we can keep you as a reader, preferably without you ending up in prison.
This was about 9:10. I knew the alarm was about to go off, so, figuring it for a nicer, gentler awakening, I start petting Adam with the soft fuzzy blanket...
Merch update: There are two more days for 15% off all orders in the shirt shops. AND, I've added a bunch of new ring tones, including "mongabee", "don't judge me", and "arsehooole"!
STM:
Stop it Molly. STOP IT, MOLLY! Go away. Shhh.... Go to Mommy.... GET OFF.... I will fucking skin you alive and wear you like a slipper.
(Adam wakes up, and I finally break down laughing.)
KAREN:
I— I was trying—
ADAM:
You being nasty to me? Are you being nasty to me?!
KAREN:
No!
ADAM:
You're being nasty!
KAREN:
No, listen—
ADAM:
No, I'm not listening, you've got nothing to say to me—
KAREN:
I was trying to wake you up really nicely, by doing this, look, and you kept telling Molly to go away, and then you said, "Molly, I'll skin you alive and wear you like a slipper!" Molly, Daddy didn't mean it. Come here.
ADAM:
Come see Daddy.
KAREN:
I actually do— I do want to have her stuffed.
ADAM:
In what position?
KAREN:
Beagle bagel. Here's the plan: we get Molly stuffed, but with soft—
ADAM:
Today?
KAREN:
No. But with soft stuff inside her. And there's a heating coil inside as well so she's warm, and then we have her in bed.
ADAM:
You can't get soft stuffed animals.
KAREN:
Why?
ADAM:
Because you can't.
KAREN:
Yeah, we will, we'll find a way.
ADAM:
You can't because the embalming fluid—
KAREN:
Hmm. Let's study this. I'm going to learn how to do it in time. Molly, Mommy's gonna stuff you. I'm gonna do it myself—
ADAM:
This isn't a nice conversation—
KAREN:
And we're gonna keep you in the bed.
ADAM:
Are you gonna give her a little mini bellows as well so she breathes in and out?
KAREN:
And then you can still sleep with us. Poor little slipper.
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Karen's notes: About this banana, banana, mushroom thing. We've been playing Mario Kart on the Wii, which Adam won in a raffle last week. He always comes in 1st place, I always come in 12th. Goddamn mushrooms.
Do Re Mi: It turns out they always show The Sound of Music during Christmas here in the UK. Personally, I prefer It's A Wonderful Life.
The Wombles: Another one of Adam's childhood TV programs, all about recycling. Adam read yesterday that the creator has passed away. And, yes, he did make me watch an episode. It was a lot like Bagpuss.
STM:
DICKHEAD!!
ADAM:
Oh!
KAREN:
Oh, Baby.
ADAM:
And a merry Christmas to one and all.
KAREN:
Who's a dickhead?
ADAM:
You calling me a dickhead?
KAREN:
No.
ADAM:
Did I upset you?
KAREN:
No, you called the entire neighborhood a dickhead.
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Karen's notes: Last evening, Adam channeled STM. An advert for some psuedo-chic hair-care line came on TV. It was clear that the guy in the ad was meant to be a known personality (I'm often clueless about such things here in the UK), so I asked who he was. Adam replied, "You can go look him up in the dictionary... The dictionary of twats!"
Karen's notes: These were uttered around 6:30 this morning, after Adam and I had already been awake for a while. As Adam was drifting back to sleep, he was watching me answer hundreds of multiple-choice practice questions for my "Life in the UK" exam.
I can just see STM taking his "Life as STM" test, poring over questions like:
Who would win in a battle between the dumplings and the noodles?
What are the three steps to happiness?
What is your most hated food?
What is the preferred form of a stupidness intervention?
Karen's notes: We believe that first one was in homage to Dwight Schrute, the result of watching two episodes of The Office right before going to sleep.
Karen's notes: Hahahahahahah! I love that one. It's from the nest egg, about a week ago.
Merch reminder: This is the VERY LAST DAY for FREE SHIPPING! You have until midnight EST (midnight GMT in the UK shop).
If you have any special requests for products (that is, you want a quote that's already in the shop, but on a product you can't find), send me an email by 4pm EST (9pm GMT). Let me know:
"Oh! Hairy spider! Must have been the size of my hand! Okay, a baby's hand. Fuck off, maybe a doll's hand then. Look, it was evil and looking at me and hairy!"
mind the gap: This is the constant announcement on the London Underground reminding people, when stepping on the tube, not to fall into the space between the platform and the train.
monkey see: Ah, STM must be thinking about our upcoming volunteer trip!
Karen's notes: Ok, I know that first one seemed all over the place. But after much discussion, we managed to make some sense of it.
suitcase full of tampons: This might sounds like one of those bizarre, fanciful dream-images. But— how can I explain this— when I visit the States twice a year, I buy lots of things that are less expensive, or that I like better from the States. So, you see, a suitcase full of tampons is only a slight exaggeration from reality.
tampons and mice?: Well, think about it. Surely you can imagine how that connection gets made.
mice on the mouse organ: This meant nothing to me, but I bet it has brought back a flood of memories for all you 30-something Brits out there. Adam got EXTREMELY excited to tell me all about Bagpuss, the cloth cat who comes to life, and his mousy friends who live on the organ, and are, it would seem, genetically programmed to repeat every single word they say three times. Yes, he made me watch an episode.
Now, if you have WAY too much time on your hands, you can listen to Adam regress into childhood as he narrates the Bagpuss theme for me.
"Don't stop me. I need to put this on my Santa list before I forget. It's my Santa list! You know, an X-box 360 for me... and a cock slap for you. I'm so excited."
"Yeah, I'd like to have you around as much as a week old bag of old cum. Slopping around, bashing my leg, hanging off my belt. Reminding me all the time what a useless fucking waste of space you are. Splosh splosh splosh."
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Karen's notes: This delightful little utterance has been sitting there in the nest-egg, haunting me in all its cringe-worthiness, for nearly a year. Ugh.
This was around 3:30 am. Adam had me pinned down under his arm. I suddenly couldn't remember if I had turned the recorder on, so I tried turning over carefully to take a look...
You said, "I guess I'll have to skin this peanut myself."
ADAM:
Can you skin a peanut?
KAREN:
Well, I guess if you think of it, like, not the shell, but you know the really thin little skin around a peanut, inside the shell?
ADAM:
No... You're thinking of monkey nuts. Peanuts don't come in a shell... Oh, hang on... brown, it's brown, isn't it....
KAREN:
Oh my god.
ADAM:
What? Shut up.
KAREN:
(laughing) "Peanuts don't come in a shell."
ADAM:
Shut up shut up shut up!
KAREN:
By the way, what are monkey nuts?
ADAM:
You don't know what monkey nuts are?
KAREN:
No.
ADAM:
Oh, they're nuts. They're like... are they peanuts?
KAREN:
Adam!
ADAM:
We call them monkey nuts.
KAREN:
There's nothing. What—
ADAM:
They're not real nuts.. They're nuts... I don't know... (in desperate confusion) What's monkey nuts?! I grew up with them... Are monkey nuts peanuts? I'm getting so confused and worried right now... um... Peanuts... they come in... monkey nuts.
KAREN:
What?!
ADAM:
I don't know... hang on... they... why do we call them monkey nuts?
KAREN:
What ARE they? What are you talking about?
ADAM:
They're not real, I mean, they are real, because you eat them, but they're not real—
KAREN:
You don't mean that they're imaginary—
ADAM:
No.
KAREN:
Can you describe them?
ADAM:
I'm dribbling. I'm getting so nervous I'm dribbling.
KAREN:
Could you describe monkey nuts, please?
ADAM:
Hmm... monkey nuts... normally containing two nuts... so far so good—
KAREN:
Ok...
ADAM:
Contained within an outer shell. I suppose in a way it looks a bit like a dumbell, because you've got a nut at each end.. oh, fuck it, I don't know. No, it's not a dumbell. I'm rubbish... They're held in a shell...
KAREN:
Adam, I think you're describing a peanut in the shell.
ADAM:
Yeah, I think I am. The shell's kind of like, all bobbly... not bobbly, it's got dimples in it...
KAREN:
Let me guess: is it light brown?
ADAM:
Yeah.
KAREN:
Is it waffle patterned?
ADAM:
Yeah. And soft, cause you break into these.
KAREN:
Mm-hmm.
ADAM:
Yeah. You know, monkey nuts!
KAREN:
Mm-hmm.
ADAM:
Yay! You've got them too!
KAREN:
In America, we call those peanuts, that just happen to not yet be shelled.
ADAM:
Oh. That's sensible.
KAREN:
Mmmm.
ADAM:
I don't know why... well, give me your computer. Look up monkey nuts.
KAREN:
I'm just doing this once for you, and then we're going to sleep. (types "monkey nuts" into Google images)
SAFE WORD: In BDSM community, a word— usually irrelevant and strange in the context of the sexual situation— agreed by the participating parties to cease the activity. This is so that the submissive partner(s) can say "stop" and "no" as often as they want during the session and use the safe word when they actually mean it.
BDSM: An overlapping abbreviation of Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM).
Wow, I cannot believe how many typos there are on UrbanDictionary.
invisibility - We saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows last night.
"And kill animals" - Adam really does love animals. Please believe me.
"I loved it..." - Presumably, STM's version of the adage, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be."
Karen's notes: I'm back in bed with my husband, and we're back on our normal blog schedule. Yay!
Hey, STM is getting philosophical on us. Bonus: if you listen closely around "when your questions," you'll hear Molly's ears flapping.
Merch reminder: Last day for both of those promos in the right-hand panel. I'll give you a hint, though, that they're starting free shipping for orders over $30/£30 tomorrow, so if that's better for you, wait it out.
Karen's notes: I imagine STM is talking to some pathetic little evil scientist who conceives plot after plot to seize power, and fails miserably every time. The poor guy should probably give up and get a job as a telemarketer or something.
And, as always, I'm pleased to see that my husband's sense of self-worth is so healthy.
Merch news: Spreadshirt has added another promo for the last few days of November. This one is for 25% off orders of $40 min or more, and it's in the US shop only:
(It took me a minute to figure this one out. You know how the day after Thanksgiving is called Black Friday, because everyone descends on the shops for the big sales? Apparently, the Monday after Thanksgiving is the biggest online shopping day of the year, and has come to be called Cyber Monday.)
The buy-4-get-1-free is still on for 4 more days! But you have to choose one of the promos, can't do both.
Karen's notes: This one's from the nest egg. At midnight, as I was standing in front of the fridge eating pumpkin pie straight out of the dish, it struck me as delightfully accurate.
Now, apropos of nothing, here's a little something.
Remember those days when I was posting only one audio clip every few days (what was I thinking?!)? Well, I've been considering that goldmine of never-before-heard wackiness, and all the bizarre, creepy, hilarious things STM has said that are buried in the archives. Thus is born the WEDNESDAY REWIND!
So, in honor of Thanksgiving:
"You can tell that turkey when it comes back here that it's not welcome. You tell it good."
"I can't believe you went to pick up a turkey without introducing yourself first. How rude of you. How presumptuous. A turkey has its own mind. Be kind."
Karen's notes: A UKism, "pisses down" = "rains rather hard"
Merch update: Loads of new stuff in the shops. "Noodle soup" is on aprons; "I'm so cute" is on mugs and babywear, and I salute anyone who has the balls to put their baby in it; "Three steps to happiness" is on absolutely everything.
Don't forget about the order-5-pay-for-4 promo (hard to forget with that huge graphic to the right). If there is a quote in the shop that you want on a different product, email me with your request.
"Where are you? Where aaaaaare yoooouu? Where have you gone? Helllooooooo? Hellooooooo? Where are yooo-oou-uuu? Where aaaaare you? (whimpering) Where ARE you?! (more whimpers) Oh! Theeeere you are. Right: FUCK OFF! Fuck off better next time, that's for sure."
That was from yesterday. I want you all to imagine me listening to it for the first time, thinking, "Oh, that's so sweet. His first night without me, and he's desperately searching for me." I really should know better by now.
"I'm an aura stalker. I will seek you out. Yes, you will be mine."
"My bus. My new bus. Mmmm, shiny. Big shiny new bus. I love my bus. Get the FUCK OFF MY BUS! My bus! Shiny and new. Big red shiny bus, mine. Allll mine."
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Karen's notes: Well, public buses in England are red, although one could not generally describe them as shiny.
I touched down on American soil last night. Hello to all my countrymen! Here's how this works while I'm away: Adam has to press the record button before he goes to sleep. In the morning, he transfers the file onto his computer, then sticks it into an online drop folder for me. Then I have to download it and go through the file blindly, having no idea if there's something on there or not. In one sense, I really miss out on hearing STM in person. However, it is a bit of an adventure, opening up that file every day, not knowing what I might find. Another bonus is that he usually records a delightful little love message for me before he goes to sleep.
Alas, this process will have to begin tomorrow, as Adam didn't quite upload the file properly and I'm too impatient to wait to post. STM's Ode to a Shiny Red Bus was recited in the early hours of Wednesday morning.
Added later: I stand corrected. Adam didn't upload improperly, he just stuck it in a place I didn't look for it. And, oh boy, it was a doozy of a night! You'll just have to wait 'til tomorrow.
Karen's notes: I'm off to the States for a week and a half! So, expect the blog to be posted about 6 hours later than usual. I love you guys, but not enough to wake up at 2 am every day.
STM:
FUCK YOU!
ADAM:
Oh!
KAREN:
Baby?
ADAM:
Morning! Oh dear.
KAREN:
What happened?
ADAM:
Mmm..... No idea.
KAREN:
Well, at least you put some thought into it.
ADAM:
I was trying to see if I could remember any image, if I was dreaming and... nothing. I just remember knowing I shouted something... probably rude.
Karen's notes: Hey, Americans, keep in mind that in UK-speak, "pants" = underwear (the long ones are "trousers"). That said, I can't wait to see Adam in some frilly pants on Friday.
Oh, also, anyone care to hazard a guess as to what thunder pants are?
